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Casino Spiele

My Tw|t Garden
Monday, December 28, 2009
This is what is

I've realized that I'm gradually not asking for anything in return for the love I give. Sometimes, selfish thoughts do come to mind... like why am I always the one giving massages and never getting one... and why he doesn't wake up to help me in the night...

But I seem to be conquering these thoughts in recent days. The magic potion? Unconditional love.

Last night, I cried for no reason again. In his arms no less. I can't explain the intense feeling I felt that instant. But today, I think I know what made me...

I was mourning. For what could have been. Sometimes, fleeting memories come to mind; one part of me was grateful for the change, both in him and me... another part of me clings on to the regret that comes with what is.

The regret that we could have been happy together even without any life-changing dramas. The regret that I wasn't what I am now... a person who knows unconditional giving. It's hard, yet I make a conscious effort not to compare my efforts with his.

I want to give him the best love anyone could give. The type of love that children see in their parents... the kind that knows no boundaries...

the metaphor of God's love...

It takes time to learn... but I'm determined that in this life with him, this is the kind of love I will give.

I'll be his guardian angel, his sunflower in the meadow...

... his everything.

This happens to be my favorite drink for the new year coming. Thanks to Sandar for my first cup of green tea frappachino!

Episode 1: revenge of the Biter

Ian having a little chat with Isaac doll.

A small hug to demonstrate love.

A little disagreement along the way...

... led to a biting frenzy.

Isaac doll seemed to be winning...

... then Ian fought back!

Cheek attack.

Ian paused to capture his winning moment.

And asked mummy Sam to join in the bite.

Feasting on Isaac doll.

Don't worry... no objects or human were harmed in this episode.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

This is the reason why I'm still hoping...

and this is the reason why I survived...

Consolidation: days of my imperfect life

Sigh, don't know what I've been busy with recently, haven't been updating my site for the longest time.

Then again, I've been physically updating myself the whole time! *cackles like a witch*

And so I've reached the 44kg mark, still going down south. Chris was afraid I'd disappear soon... I am troubled too. The weight seems to go off a little faster after I've reached 45. But I've been consciously trying to eat something to maintain the current status... because I seriously think I'm anorexic.

I know my perceived-self is totally distorted.

I see a chubby old woman in the mirror all the time. And Chris has been nagging at me to bathe everyday... because I hate to see my big fat naked body whilst in the bathroom.

Alas! There are actually times when I feel skinny. And I think having an insightful mind could make me fight a winning battle with this sneaky situation. At least I know there's something wrong. Not like I'm not doing anything about it. Sigh!


Oh, oh and oh! My new DSLR!

Okay, not exactly mine anymore. Chris has claimed sovereign to that divine thing.

But I get a good bargain... he'd take more pictures of me then, and I get to feel pretty. *claps hands in zest*

The guys and gals are coming over for a post-Christmas feast tomorrow. Small gathering, but meaningful... after what happened the other time we were supposed to gather...

So many things to write about... I'm all jumbled up inside my brain!

There's another thing to look forward to after all the festivities... I'm going back to work! Finally!

First back to my old place for slightly less than twenty days to finish off my notice... then to a fancy new place to start working like nobody's business! I love being bogged down by work that I love. I'm surprised that my passion for theatre work and nursing has not diminished over the years. I had expected myself to throw in the towel after five years, and look where I am now... all seasoned up but still raring to go.

I hope I'd meet interesting people in my new work place, nothing beats challenges and the adrenaline rush of learning.

Oh, oh and oh again! Another digression!

I just wanna write this down here so I'd never forget... erm.. not that I'll ever forget... Chris did the best thing in the world on Christmas day. Totally knocked my socks off of me! Can't write the details though... too sleazy.

I love the way he behaves now... totally awesome! I was just telling him yesterday of how much he'd changed... his temper is very much controlled compared to two years ago... besides that... he's becomed more open and less reserved. Surprises me all the time with stuff that make me blush.. can you believe that? If he could make
me, (a woman who doesn't even bat a eyelid at the word penis,) blush, then he's gotta be doing something radical. Totally.

Can't let all your imaginations run wild though... *grins like a little girl*

I don't need a perfect life; mine is less than perfect... but it's good enough.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Of Death and Dead animals

This is bad.

We're at this very low valley and couldn't see the top. Almost feels like drowning inside of me. Wonder how it feels like in him.

What is wrong with the both of us? I think its the daily mundane stuffs. Stress of children and work. Stress of my sick mind. Stress of a dozen other things. Whatever it is... its driving us apart. Or mad. Whichever comes first. Okay... maybe I'm already mad. Whatever.

I keep hanging on to the faith that everything would pass. My hands are shivering from the weight of hanging my whole body against this very thin line of faith. I've got to hold on. This is all I've got...

I need to change. I can't remain like this forever. One day I tell myself to get a grip... the next... I stumble and fall again. Sucks big time when I realize how hard it is. To hold on. Sucks even bigger time when I can't get past my 'self' and consider his predicament.

He's holding on to a thin line of faith as well. Why can't I get past myself and appreciate his efforts? Day in and out I teeter between darkness and daylight, love and hatred, self-redemption and self-torture... and there he is... trying to make a reason out of staying and fighting.

How long does it take for a man to give up?

I really don't know.

But when he does, I don't want to be there to know. I wish to vanish into thin air. Evaporate. Dissipate.

Am so weak today. Full of breath-choking thoughts of death and dead animals. Even as I strut down the street with a confident look and glittery smile.

I'm so afraid for him. Cos I think this kind of thought... is permeable. Death...

... makes everything else seem so redundant. Even myself.

This is truly the dark side of a woman suffering from major depression... this... is what depressed people think of every second of their dreadful day... this... is what I'm fighting against.

And I'm going to win this battle.

Cos even if its only a thin line... my faith will get me through. He would see that I do.

He would.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Thank you for being so understanding...

I know I'm not in my best of mood these days. And you ended up being my punching bag. You took things in your stride. Even though you get frustrated sometimes... you end up being there for me. Still.

Maybe I should be on medication again.

Sometimes... I wonder if I would have been like this if none of these have happened. Would I have become a person dependent on drugs to control my mood? Would I have become a person who'd cry for no reason save that of feeling like it?

I'm puzzled myself.

You said it happened so we can learn to love each other better. Did it also happen so it can prove my vulnerability?

I was so full of confidence... so full of myself... so happy... so positive.

I didn't think anything could put me down. Something did. And I am flabbergasted. I am really a weakling. Nothing else. Simply a weakling.

If only I could pick myself up. How do people pick up their pieces? My only safe bet? Through love and prayers. I trust I would. Eventually.

Maybe... God had intended to expose my vulnerability so I could embrace true love. The only way to enjoy love, is to be vulnerable.

Faith is something really powerful. If I can't trust again, I'd give you my faith in you.

I have faith... that we'd make it through this life together.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

When can I go back to work? I'm dying from repetitive-household-chores-syndrome!

Speaking of which, I seriously think that housewives should get paid for their time spent beautifying their home and watching the kids. It's a tough job, really. And you think that we have all the time in the world since we are home the
whole day doing nothing.

For your information...
nothing equals
1. wake up at six in the morning
2. prepare breakfast for husband and children
3. get the laundry done
4. prepare milk feeds for the baby
5. bathe the baby
6. hang the laundry out to dry (I don't have a dryer)
7. sweep the floor
8. mop the floor
9. play with the baby
10. play with the baby
11. play with the baby (repetition really zaps my brain juice and fast forward me into demented mode!)
12. cook dinner
13. fold the now-dry clothes and put them back into the wardrobe
14. iron clothes
15. make baby sleep
16. make baby sleep
17. make baby sleep (this can go on forever... did I mention changing his diapers?!)
By this time... the man of the house would have returned from work and the lady looks almost disheveled and smells absolutely like stale vomit.

Okay, and so I was dilligently doing all of these stuffs in the first half of my maternity leave. Then I got really sick of it and decided to sit in front of the computer instead. And selectively chose certain items to do on different days. THEN I got even more sick of it and (for the past two days) decided not to do anything altogether (other than playing with, feeding, changing and making the baby sleep).

This is one freaking job I can never resign from... and it totally pissed me off... until my baby chuckles at me. He makes me want to do everything all over again. And again. And again. Until I get sick of it once more, another more, another more...

Someone freaking slap me out of this trance!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I still have market value.


After signing my letter of appointment at Paragon yesterday, I went around shopping with a temperature of 38 degree Celsius (mine, not the weather) and a terrible body ache. Mummy was helping me with Ian for the afternoon, so I decided not to waste this free 'me-time' for retail therapy...

Anyway... I was walking while drinking from a bottle of water... and some of the water spilled over my dress. While I was busy wiping the water from my dress, I felt a light tap on my shoulder.

Excuse me, but are you interested to be our company's model? I realise that you have the looks and height and our company would be delighted to have you as our free-lanced model. May I ask how old are you?

Erm... 28.

Well, the gist is... she went on about her company that she was representing -->imodelsholdings, requesting me to go online to check out her website to authenticate the whole darn deal and stuff, and that they'd like to call me if any projects suitable for me came up.

Thing is. I'm already 28. What do you do with a 28-year-old?

Anyway, I'm still glad she thinks I'm worth the effort. Even though I suspect she underestimated my age....

I know these agencies approach women in town, but mostly young (I was approached by one or two in my younger, hay days) sweet things, that's why the notion that she might have thought I was younger than the 28 I'd reported.

I doubt they'd call, but truthfully, I felt really good.

It's like how actors always proclaim that getting a nomination was good enough, winning is anything but a bonus... I felt the exact same sentiment.

I still look good for my age!

Even though I was all wet, and feverish... oh... maybe that's why... heheh.


He's seriously out of sorts lately. Do children have depression at age 3.5?

I read that depression is hereditary. Well considering I'm first born and I'd inherited mummy's D, I'm not surprised my first born would too.

Oh no. Not good.

Its bad enough he had to witness quarreling, shoutings, hitting and banging almost every day when he was just a baby, now this.

I cannot express enough how important it is to give our children a happy childhood. I hope we can pull this off. Now.

I know his Daddy is trying his best. Besides, it wouldn't matter a year from now right, God?

Monday, December 14, 2009
Driven to desperation

I hope this doesn't happen again.

Because I doubt I can tolerate it any further than today.

My mother told me... never compromise your children's safety, I did and I regret not doing anything to prevent you from getting hurt by your father.

And I am compromising their safety now.

Unless some miracle happens, or he takes better mood control, or the highway I'll go.

I can't do this anymore. Pretending its okay when I'm all trembling inside. I want to be there for him. I will.

If only there is more control. The anger demon is not something that'd go away instantaneously, that's why he has got to walk away.

God, I know this is yet another bump on the road I have to take, please let me have enough faith and patience to see it through.

Sunday, December 13, 2009
Mother of all infidelity

Paranoid. Super paranoid.

I reckon this paranoia is going to last years... considering how insecure I still feel despite all that has been done.

One look, one hesitant look I get and I just crumple.

Is this how other women feel with their other halves? Those who actually survived the ordeal?

Do the third parties even care? And they think its even news-worthy enough. I'm referring to the recent Tiger Woods' string of affairs. No one even bothers if his wife is holding up good. The mistresses actually become famous, and get lots of attention. What is the world coming to?

I can picture the poor wife having sleepless nights with crying fits 24-7, watching her children while wondering if it was wrong of her to even bring them to this cruel world. I can almost see her not eating like she used to. And the worst... the shower. The best place to remember all the heart-breaking things that bastard did to her.

Not to mention how dirty she felt despite never having sex with more than one man in her life... because that bastard gave it to her. Would she contract some deadly STDs that'd ruin her already crumpled life? Afterall... mistresses are loose women who sleep with married men... and her bastard husband slept with more than one... do the sums.... and you get a major risk for STDs!

Someone should really hold her hand and cry with her a little while.

Rather than wonder if she'll get more money out of alimony or staying married to that Woody bastard.

Friday, December 11, 2009
it happened because...

Maybe one day, when I've gain back all of my confidence that crumpled... I'll learn that nothing is more beautiful than having a forgiving heart.

What's being skinny and having big doe eyes gotta do with marriage... except superficial lust and dangerous liaisons?

Not that I'm complaining though. Always beats having an auntish look.

Its really superficial to be engrossed with issues as these when people are dying from Nature's wrath and suffering from man-made tragedies.

Read about 'child prostitution' few days ago, and I cried at the writer's narration of a four year old's sufferings. Cummon! It's a freaking four-year-old for Pete's sake!

The blank look in her eyes... the desperate cry for love and redemption... how could mankind be so cruel to our descendants?! Children are innocent and full of trust... and adults abused that trust they have...

Sometimes... reading these stuffs make me feel so petty fussing over my less than tragedious tragedy. Its just... that I can't get out of the circle of self-indulgent victimisation of my mediocre life.

Then I thought about the father who used his body to shield his son from the falling boulders caused by earthquakes... and I understand why God made life this way. Rather than asking 'why me?'... I should be asking what should be learned. The son, when he finally grows up... will learn of his dead father's unconditional love for him... and not the reason why he's left orphaned and alone in this world. The girl... will learn that life has many more things to look forward to... and she will eventually find the love she deserves, all because she had tasted the love she didn't deserve.

And from Chris' words literally: it happened so that I can learn to love you better.

Now is the time you cry.


weighty issue

My new target: 40kg weight.

I'm so sick of looking at myself. Why do I still look so freaking fat and bloated?! I'm exactly one kilogram away from 44kg and yet I look nowhere near skinny!

Let's see if weighing 40kg would make any difference; otherwise, 38kg sounds good too. 三八, 三八. Stupid fats, die die die!

Seriously... I'll wait till I reach 40kg, then I'll talk about hitting the thirties. Seems a little too far-fetched now that I'm still stuck at 45.

Something is freaking wrong with me, I know. But I really don't know what to do with me. So I guess I'll just keep going till something beat the crap out of me and make me stop.

Sigh. If only I'm competing with a fat arsed woman. But then again, no one said anything about competition; its just me... I am so. so. sick in the mind.

Thursday, December 10, 2009
Isaac and Ian

I don't understand why the photo is uploaded the wrong side up.

Anyway... the main issue is... some family has children the exact same name as our Isaac and Ian brothers!

career heights

I'm one signature away from my new job.

The future looks bright, yet I can't help but notice the dark clouds above me right now.

Leaving my present job would mean abandoning a lot of unfulfilled obligations I have towards my bosses... the commitment I've vowed to give.

But it's all not meant to be.

I mean... how can one resist taking her career to greater heights? Okay, so I was promised 'greater heights' by my boss, in fact, it was actually in due course... but this new 'greater heights' comes with better view, and fresher air.

I was totally blown away. Literally.

Besides, I'll be doing what I've always love... surgical works and stuffs... and my companion at work is equally lovely.

Weigh the pros and cons! You tell me.

Aside from lesser benefits that I don't even claim from my current job... what other cons could I think of?



So there! I'm leaving. Leaving a place I've called 'home' for seven long years. Leaving a place that gave me opportunities I've rejected. Leaving a place... that I'll miss.

A lot of anguish going on inside of me right now... and for the past few days... tried to find every reason possible to stay. I couldn't. Too bad.

Because I would have stayed if there was even one little reason to.

Blame it on loyalty.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Pondering Thoughts

Made a huge mistake.

Shouldn't have...

I'm asking too much of him.

Human like to take advantage of situations and make full use of their upper hand. Now that I reflect upon my own behavior... I really shouldn't have.

This weekend must have been quite unpleasant for him... considering that my demands for a perfectly formed husband (in my context) was way out of line. I'm sure he felt that way. Maybe he's too kind not to tell me that.

I was feeling so guilty about having made him do stuffs he's not really interested in, I actually felt worse than having him not do all these stuffs!

I guess this is love?

Him wanting me to be happy and so he trudge on even though it confuses him... and me thinking about his happiness before mine... albeit a tad late.

Sigh, sometimes, out of love, people tend to feel like giving the best to their spouses... only to find that the 'best' in their context, may not be the 'best' in the other party's context.

Maybe this is where the problem lies, Chris.

Your jokes are really funny... only if they're not at the expense of my brittle heart and ego. Okay... if I weren't so egoistic, maybe even those at the expense of me would have been funny too. Still, having you to watch your words (even though is possible) would take a lot of your energy... and this I wouldn't like... cos it'd make you unnatural and self-conscious. So, to have the best of both worlds, I've come to a conclusion:

I'd do something about my insecure state of mind.

But I need you to hang in there... cos it might not be easy for me, preserving my dignity and self-respect may be a value I refuse to compromise, but I'd just take what you say as what it always is: just a joke. Maybe this would trick my brain into telling me that I'm not throwing away my deep-seated value of respect from the spouse.

I'm just glad you love me enough to feel perplexed about hurting me.

I am.

Saturday, December 5, 2009
Appreciate life

Just wrote a ridiculous entry in my private journal.

I seriously think that there is something wrong with my psychological make-up. And I need to talk to someone about it... but I wonder who....

Anyway... this week had been great. I managed to subdue my anger demon (or Chris's), and I did not think about bad things; save this one time last night. Oh cummon! It was only for a few seconds!

I think I'm gradually in the path of forgiveness, finally. And its for real, not the 'I forgive but I can't forget' type of forgiveness. Its the 'I forgive and I remember but its okay' type.

Helps when you have most things going great for you in life.


So weak.

So what if things aren't going great? You can't expect smooth sailing all the time right?

I gotta remember this. So that even if I'm facing a turbulent in the river of life... I can still make time to smell the flowers.

And appreciate what I have.

Thursday, December 3, 2009
My son

I just tried the bottle with Ian. He's really a champion! Managed to finished the bottle of expressed breastmilk(EBM) without much fuss!

This was his second try, the first was last Friday with Daddy Chris, and he managed about 20mls worth of EBM then. He's a really good adaptor and acceptor of change, I should say.

An epitome of a role model baby.

Having the spunk and zest for life that even I, as a mother, is ashamed of not having.

He's definitely not an accidental conception. He's the work of the Greater Being destined in this life to show - and prove what happiness in life really is - growth, change and contentment.

I have no doubt - I have more to learn from this spunky little guy called my son.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Yesterday was great. I didn't get angry.

Bad day for the men in the family though...

Chris is sick - down with flu... and very grumpy... surprisingly he was really excellent in making sure he didn't throw tantrums at me, or the kids - by keeping his mouth shut, and trying to smile, hahah...

Isaac just got promoted to nursery two - and he's getting all worked up over his new classroom and new classmates... cried and talked in his sleep last night - words that I can't make any sense out of...

Ian - well, let's just say he's ignorantly blissful of his discomforts thru'out the night that include bedwetting, spitting milk and being woken up by his older brother.

I'm going to digress a little here cos I just remembered something that also happened last night.

Friendship is so hard to maintain.

I don't have this problem because I don't really have a lot of friends... in fact, the closest I have to a chummy buddy is in the form of my husband. Mainly because I have difficulty keeping up and staying in contact with friends I make over the years. I tend to... well... lose them over time.

Chris though... ok... he had his fair share of 猪朋狗友... but the fact that he has successfully maintain contact with a few of his high school classmates - is really worth commending. At least to me I guess.

So last night, there was a little misunderstanding among them and I thought Chris was going to just let it be... but he didn't, and he took the initiative to apologise and clarify things. I didn't know what happened at the other end of the spectrum between the other two guys... but they're both quite dear to me, so I hope things work out.

These guys actually showed me the real value of friendship: that withstand time, conflict and irritating attitudes.

I'm deeply touched, and envious. Is this how all friendships are? Cos the last time I remembered I actually have friends... they sort of made use of me, left me to fend for myself and made me feel like shit. Ever since, I never really made an effort to keep the friends I make.

I sound so amateurish talking about friendship like I don't know a thing. Fact is... I really don't.


I vaguely remembered having lots of birthday presents and people singing birthday songs to me on my birthdays, every year... till I realise how fake these people are... I was thrown aside at the first sign of trouble, left alone at the crossroad of black/white, right/wrong.

I was making merry with some of my 'friends' at a lot of my expenses... and it never occurred to me that they were just taking advantage of my good nature.

Maybe I'm just too critical, or skeptical or pessimistic... but I was really wondering if true friendship really existed... until last night.

It does.

Maybe I wasn't lucky enough.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009
River of Life

I need to breathe, and relax.

From today... whatever the hidden issue I have towards life and family... is not going to stop me from becoming a better person.

Cummon! I'm the ever determined chick, how could I have forgotten?! No more anger, no more whining about what could have been.

The sun is shining in on me now, as I sit and type these beautiful words...

HE is telling me... good job for trying... but try harder. And this is what I'll do.

Yesterday was really the last straw... I have never, ever been rude or rowdy to a stranger in my life - I regret to say that that woman over the phone unfortunately, happened to be the first.

The air smells fresh from where I sit. I'm getting good vibes despite the fact that Isaac had a crying spate due to a nonsensical argument with his Daddy in the early hours of December the first. Despite that my life is still in a jumbled mess.

Despite all these atrocious disasters... I know HE is still walking alongside me.

I can feel my boiling, bloodcurdling anger simmer down to a gentle-flowing rate.

Anger management - its really all about letting go of the CONTROL you want in your life. I no longer wish to control anything now - no thank you - because by simply going with the flow - and not looking back - demands of me - a little less energy and effort, albeit more frightening.

Right now... I'm just going to enjoy the scenery and smell the flowers as I take the boat ride in the river of life. Who cares what's ahead of me, as long as I have with me, in this ride, the man I love.... really, really, really.