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Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I was momentarily in another world last night.
I was in the world where I had nobody to lean on.
In that world, I assumed that I was able to cope alone; until something broke me.
I couldn't get out of that world; it was awful. Last night was awful.
I wish I needn't return to that world so often...
In fact - I'm returning there lesser and lesser now.
Yet yesterday... was genuinely awful.
Yes I know I'm repeating myself, but it shows the magnitude of my self indulgence in the past last night... It was practically to an extreme of insanity.
And I didn't even realized it had been triggered.
I am still wondering what'd triggered my return to the estranged and distorted world I used to live in.
I remembered that he was exceptionally kind and gentle - he tried to make a detour in that journey I was making...
Unfortunately I didn't take the bait till I dozed off in great sadness.
Well, I woke up not exactly remembering that I was there...
It was that faint, disorientated feeling I felt that led me to my new world.
Exactly.
I felt disorientated in the old world.
That I do not belong.
For the first time in almost 4 years... I felt liberated.
Like I'm finally snapping out of something.
I'm secretly mourning for the lost of my right to grieve - yet elated about my newfound autonomy to happiness.
It's true that my bed of roses may sometimes find a bug or two; yet nothing beats having such a beautiful view of red amidst life's adversities.
I've taken another step away from history - it's not forgotten, but not painfully remembered (at least not as much).
I hope I can truly have the courage to take on my new task - that of an angel I promised to be to someone.
A promise I've given yet failed to fulfill.
You need to heal too.
We have such bright and happy future together.
With Isaac, Ian and Isabelle...
Together... we'll conquer all odds.
I was in the world where I had nobody to lean on.
In that world, I assumed that I was able to cope alone; until something broke me.
I couldn't get out of that world; it was awful. Last night was awful.
I wish I needn't return to that world so often...
In fact - I'm returning there lesser and lesser now.
Yet yesterday... was genuinely awful.
Yes I know I'm repeating myself, but it shows the magnitude of my self indulgence in the past last night... It was practically to an extreme of insanity.
And I didn't even realized it had been triggered.
I am still wondering what'd triggered my return to the estranged and distorted world I used to live in.
I remembered that he was exceptionally kind and gentle - he tried to make a detour in that journey I was making...
Unfortunately I didn't take the bait till I dozed off in great sadness.
Well, I woke up not exactly remembering that I was there...
It was that faint, disorientated feeling I felt that led me to my new world.
Exactly.
I felt disorientated in the old world.
That I do not belong.
For the first time in almost 4 years... I felt liberated.
Like I'm finally snapping out of something.
I'm secretly mourning for the lost of my right to grieve - yet elated about my newfound autonomy to happiness.
It's true that my bed of roses may sometimes find a bug or two; yet nothing beats having such a beautiful view of red amidst life's adversities.
I've taken another step away from history - it's not forgotten, but not painfully remembered (at least not as much).
I hope I can truly have the courage to take on my new task - that of an angel I promised to be to someone.
A promise I've given yet failed to fulfill.
You need to heal too.
We have such bright and happy future together.
With Isaac, Ian and Isabelle...
Together... we'll conquer all odds.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
I'm learning to manage a bunch of people who constantly has issues with all sorts of leave - medical, urgent, emergency, sudden - whatever.
I can't imagine dealing with this everyday, but it appears that this is part and parcel of managing people.
Why is it so hard to find good colleagues like my dearest hubby who even reschedules the roster on his own when he's going on paternity leave?
Yes! Imagine that!
He has to be the one to look for covers for his duties during the days when he's taking paternity leave!
And his manager even chides him when he didn't call back to inform her of who is to cover him.
I mean, really, come on! You are a manager - you should be the one looking for coverage when someone's wife delivers a baby, not ask that staff to do it himself!
Otherwise, what is the hospital paying you salary for?
You don't scrub and assist doctors...
You don't attend to emergencies when the team needs you...
Now you don't even handle staff coverage and rosters by yourself?!
I think you should come work in my place - and see how a real manager works - like a good role model!
If you can't find coverage - you go and cover your staff yourself! Don't expect the poor chap to come listen to you scold him for not calling back to tell you who is to cover him in his absence!
These people are just too lazy to be properly working and using their brains!
I wonder if I'll ever get such luck to find a good colleague like my hubby...
Some people just don't appreciate what they have. Tsk tsk.
I can't imagine dealing with this everyday, but it appears that this is part and parcel of managing people.
Why is it so hard to find good colleagues like my dearest hubby who even reschedules the roster on his own when he's going on paternity leave?
Yes! Imagine that!
He has to be the one to look for covers for his duties during the days when he's taking paternity leave!
And his manager even chides him when he didn't call back to inform her of who is to cover him.
I mean, really, come on! You are a manager - you should be the one looking for coverage when someone's wife delivers a baby, not ask that staff to do it himself!
Otherwise, what is the hospital paying you salary for?
You don't scrub and assist doctors...
You don't attend to emergencies when the team needs you...
Now you don't even handle staff coverage and rosters by yourself?!
I think you should come work in my place - and see how a real manager works - like a good role model!
If you can't find coverage - you go and cover your staff yourself! Don't expect the poor chap to come listen to you scold him for not calling back to tell you who is to cover him in his absence!
These people are just too lazy to be properly working and using their brains!
I wonder if I'll ever get such luck to find a good colleague like my hubby...
Some people just don't appreciate what they have. Tsk tsk.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
I'm so exhausted.
This time it's different from the last.
It's just different.
Maybe I should just bleed to death.
This time it's different from the last.
It's just different.
Maybe I should just bleed to death.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Then I realized that being pregnant really tires one out to such great extent.
I'm amazed at how much more I can do even at near-zero fuel level within my body; after Isabelle popped out to say hello.
I wonder why I'm (or Chris is) getting scolding every time we were out on errands/ sending-fetching kids from school/ buying groceries.
These aunties know no better.
If we had enough help, do you think we'd want to take a 7-day old infant out to run errands all the time?
Don't you think I'd like a rest on my cosy bed and maintain a proper confinement like the more privileged women in this country?
Point is, use your brain before you speak, aunties - before you even start pointing fingers at us about not doing confinement properly.
No manners.
Anyway, if I'd maintained a proper confinement regime, I'd most likely still have a tummy bulge that of a six month preggie, back ache (more likely due to prolonged resting on bed rather than the labour or epidural for that matter), sore perineum (try walking more, ladies) and a sloppy, auntish look that would most likely score a zero in the sexiness faculty.
Why would you girls wanna look and feel that way when you can quickly recover from giving birth within a week?
True, I still have some weight to lose before I could call myself perfect...
But at least the tummy's gone.
My vagina is good as new.
And I feel (and look) good enough to present myself in front of my spouse without a tinge of sloppiness.
You need good blood circulation to recuperate - and moving your butt around enables that.
Next time, if another old auntie asks how many months my Belle is, I'd ask her to look at me and guess how many months after delivery do I appear to be.
Nosy Parkers!
I'm amazed at how much more I can do even at near-zero fuel level within my body; after Isabelle popped out to say hello.
I wonder why I'm (or Chris is) getting scolding every time we were out on errands/ sending-fetching kids from school/ buying groceries.
These aunties know no better.
If we had enough help, do you think we'd want to take a 7-day old infant out to run errands all the time?
Don't you think I'd like a rest on my cosy bed and maintain a proper confinement like the more privileged women in this country?
Point is, use your brain before you speak, aunties - before you even start pointing fingers at us about not doing confinement properly.
No manners.
Anyway, if I'd maintained a proper confinement regime, I'd most likely still have a tummy bulge that of a six month preggie, back ache (more likely due to prolonged resting on bed rather than the labour or epidural for that matter), sore perineum (try walking more, ladies) and a sloppy, auntish look that would most likely score a zero in the sexiness faculty.
Why would you girls wanna look and feel that way when you can quickly recover from giving birth within a week?
True, I still have some weight to lose before I could call myself perfect...
But at least the tummy's gone.
My vagina is good as new.
And I feel (and look) good enough to present myself in front of my spouse without a tinge of sloppiness.
You need good blood circulation to recuperate - and moving your butt around enables that.
Next time, if another old auntie asks how many months my Belle is, I'd ask her to look at me and guess how many months after delivery do I appear to be.
Nosy Parkers!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
If we were to do away with a helper...
I'd do the general chores like:
- vacuuming and moping the floor
- cleaning the kitchen, fridge, cabinets
- washing the dishes, cooking
- bathing the kids
And he'll handle the tougher ones (read: those that I hate doing):
- ironing
- cleaning the fan and air con
- cleaning the window grills
- changing light bulbs
- wiping the ceiling lights
- fixing damaged stuff
***He loves rescuing me from chores that I hate!
Then we'll share the rest:
- washing and drying clothes
- changing bed linen
- tidying up after the kids
- et cetera et cetera et cetera!
I'm lucky to have a husband who's willing to share the chores with his wife.
And I'll be perfectly happy to relinquish the helper of her duties and take over.
Yes, it's nice to have my clothes ironed all the time and food on the table when I'm home from work.
Yet, with all these come other headaches that we wished weren't there.
I think I could make do with doing the chores at home feeling like the movies or a badminton session with my husband - as long as we're at it together!
He was right, just as I was right.
Helpers are not all that bad; yet we could jolly well make do without one.
I'd do the general chores like:
- vacuuming and moping the floor
- cleaning the kitchen, fridge, cabinets
- washing the dishes, cooking
- bathing the kids
And he'll handle the tougher ones (read: those that I hate doing):
- ironing
- cleaning the fan and air con
- cleaning the window grills
- changing light bulbs
- wiping the ceiling lights
- fixing damaged stuff
***He loves rescuing me from chores that I hate!
Then we'll share the rest:
- washing and drying clothes
- changing bed linen
- tidying up after the kids
- et cetera et cetera et cetera!
I'm lucky to have a husband who's willing to share the chores with his wife.
And I'll be perfectly happy to relinquish the helper of her duties and take over.
Yes, it's nice to have my clothes ironed all the time and food on the table when I'm home from work.
Yet, with all these come other headaches that we wished weren't there.
I think I could make do with doing the chores at home feeling like the movies or a badminton session with my husband - as long as we're at it together!
He was right, just as I was right.
Helpers are not all that bad; yet we could jolly well make do without one.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
The past twelve hours had been the most relaxing since I got pregnant with Isabelle.
No work...
No hyperactive kids to manage...
No planning and thinking.
I was simply resting; waiting for the nursery nurses to bring my pretty Belle to me when she's hungry.
True she might have been crying - but the nurses made sure she was quiet when they brought her to me.
It made my tired mind and body feel quite re-energized.
Thankful for this short stint of rest.
Everything happens for a reason; I do not doubt this.
Thankful my Chris had been his usual valiant nature to pack enough for my overnight stay, attend to my meals, make me worry about nothing except breastfeeding baby Belle.
What would I do without him?
I do not even wanna imagine.
:)
No work...
No hyperactive kids to manage...
No planning and thinking.
I was simply resting; waiting for the nursery nurses to bring my pretty Belle to me when she's hungry.
True she might have been crying - but the nurses made sure she was quiet when they brought her to me.
It made my tired mind and body feel quite re-energized.
Thankful for this short stint of rest.
Everything happens for a reason; I do not doubt this.
Thankful my Chris had been his usual valiant nature to pack enough for my overnight stay, attend to my meals, make me worry about nothing except breastfeeding baby Belle.
What would I do without him?
I do not even wanna imagine.
:)
Saturday, April 9, 2011
I felt really stranded today.
The very feeling of being left alone to deal with my own feelings is not something new - yet I kinda hoped for better support.
Yes, it's my own fault for not verbalizing my fears and distress right from the start; I chose to conceal them with anger instead.
Which is why I had so much difficulty in telling you what was wrong with my attitude today.
The more you attributed it to yourself and flared up at me, giving me insensitive comments about my attitudes, the more injustice I develop within my own mental commentary.
Yet somehow, I still believed it was my own fault for not telling you straight away that I wasn't coping well with bad news and having to go visit that particular department again.
I had expected you to just know. And I knew you didn't just know. You had to be told.
Now do you see why I don't have to tell you what happened to me today?
It's all about me not being able to exercise self control amidst stress.
Nothing to do with you or your inability to read my mind - which you don't have to.
It's my own responsibility to tell you what's on my mind and if I don't, I should bear the consequence of it.
I'm just too overwhelmed with the incompetence of the many clinics/hospital staff we'd encountered - and you were too distracted by my weird mood to be able to reach out to me.
I'm sorry I left you wounded today.
I'm sorry I wounded myself today.
I'm sorry I didn't know how else to let you know.
Sometimes, seeing letters forming words on the digitalized screen seem so much easier than saying it all out - it takes the emotion and sarcasm off what's meant to be said - and makes apology so much more sincere.
I'm sorry.
The very feeling of being left alone to deal with my own feelings is not something new - yet I kinda hoped for better support.
Yes, it's my own fault for not verbalizing my fears and distress right from the start; I chose to conceal them with anger instead.
Which is why I had so much difficulty in telling you what was wrong with my attitude today.
The more you attributed it to yourself and flared up at me, giving me insensitive comments about my attitudes, the more injustice I develop within my own mental commentary.
Yet somehow, I still believed it was my own fault for not telling you straight away that I wasn't coping well with bad news and having to go visit that particular department again.
I had expected you to just know. And I knew you didn't just know. You had to be told.
Now do you see why I don't have to tell you what happened to me today?
It's all about me not being able to exercise self control amidst stress.
Nothing to do with you or your inability to read my mind - which you don't have to.
It's my own responsibility to tell you what's on my mind and if I don't, I should bear the consequence of it.
I'm just too overwhelmed with the incompetence of the many clinics/hospital staff we'd encountered - and you were too distracted by my weird mood to be able to reach out to me.
I'm sorry I left you wounded today.
I'm sorry I wounded myself today.
I'm sorry I didn't know how else to let you know.
Sometimes, seeing letters forming words on the digitalized screen seem so much easier than saying it all out - it takes the emotion and sarcasm off what's meant to be said - and makes apology so much more sincere.
I'm sorry.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Realized I didn't even have time to trim my nails the past two weeks.
Work and family are both wearing me down. But I know eventually all would work out well. They always do.
I miss my well-groomed body.
Isabelle may just need to say hello to the world earlier than she would like, due to some medical problems I'm having - yet I'm all good.
Better earlier than late.
And no matter how messed up work seems to be, there seem to be that glimmer of hope shining brighter by the minute.
I've got great help on board to fight the battle alongside with me - and hopefully with new blood here and old blood gone, operations would be smooth as toufu.
Aw, so many things to look forward to in the coming months.
I must make a mental note to maintain my focus on my family.
They're all that matter in my life.
And number one on the list is Chris.
Love him to bits.
Even though he ill-treats me ALL the time.
Goes to show I need to work harder at loving him.
Up goes my socks!
I'm so tired. Yet happy.
Happy to be alive and fighting for love and striving to achieve the best at work.
I'm feeling useful today.
It's not all the time I feel that way, you know.
Useful Sam.
*smiles*
Counting my blessings amidst adversities seems a tad bit easy today, I wonder why....
And now to get my big butt up from the couch into the bathroom.
I hope everyone counts her/his blessings today before they fall into a slumber!
Life is hard; still there must be some good hidden somewhere!
Look that way, and you'll see the goodness in life.
I did.
And am glad.
Work and family are both wearing me down. But I know eventually all would work out well. They always do.
I miss my well-groomed body.
Isabelle may just need to say hello to the world earlier than she would like, due to some medical problems I'm having - yet I'm all good.
Better earlier than late.
And no matter how messed up work seems to be, there seem to be that glimmer of hope shining brighter by the minute.
I've got great help on board to fight the battle alongside with me - and hopefully with new blood here and old blood gone, operations would be smooth as toufu.
Aw, so many things to look forward to in the coming months.
I must make a mental note to maintain my focus on my family.
They're all that matter in my life.
And number one on the list is Chris.
Love him to bits.
Even though he ill-treats me ALL the time.
Goes to show I need to work harder at loving him.
Up goes my socks!
I'm so tired. Yet happy.
Happy to be alive and fighting for love and striving to achieve the best at work.
I'm feeling useful today.
It's not all the time I feel that way, you know.
Useful Sam.
*smiles*
Counting my blessings amidst adversities seems a tad bit easy today, I wonder why....
And now to get my big butt up from the couch into the bathroom.
I hope everyone counts her/his blessings today before they fall into a slumber!
Life is hard; still there must be some good hidden somewhere!
Look that way, and you'll see the goodness in life.
I did.
And am glad.