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My Tw|t Garden
Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Please tell me this is it.



That this is the end.



That I need not remember any longer. That I need not ever feel the pain ever ever again.



I'm getting quite numb already. Almost resiliently impenetrable.



I'll just leave it to You to settle what I couldn't; have mo control over. Right now, I'll just concentrate on breathing. Because sometimes... It hard even to try take a painless breath...



Makes me wanna stop breathing altogether... What is it like...? To be finally at peace?


I wasn't wrong, but I'm sorry.



I just wanted to write on Isaac's PTC worksheet, and when you asked me what I'm doing, I told you.



I didn't cause you to jam on the brake violently and almost hit the vehicle in front of you...



I was... simply minding my own business... I wasn't even teaching you how to drive like you always do to me.



Felt so wronged.



Never mind.



On a brighter note...



I had nightmares again... but its not so bad this time around. At least I woke up not feeling so so sad. Only sad.



On an even brighter note...



I'm pregnant. Kidding



Its not funny I know, but I thought a lame joke would kill my lousy mood for a bit.



Seriously, I have enough on my plate to even worry about being wronged for an E-brake in the morning.



... like when am I going to lose some more weight... how is it that my hair is not long enough... and all other bimboitic stuffs.



Incidentally, I chanced upon the answer to the question I asked God this one time... about where to find peace...



Apparently His answer to me was that peace cannot be found on earth. It must come from God. Only in Him would I be able to find true peace, and not something transient.



And so I've started to psych myself up on this very mentality - that for all other things not in my control, I'll leave it to Him. He'll settle everything the way it's supposed to be.



Your anger...



Our marriage...



The children's health...



My life...



You know that its a lot to manage, right God?



And there are a whole lot of disasters in this world waiting for You to hold up...



I wish You would just delegate the chores to me... like... teach me how to manage on my own... sigh.



I'm so useless.



When did I become like this?

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Aimless. Watching those people while their lives away... I wonder if I'm doing exactly the same...



The only difference?



I'm more sane than them. And I know this isn't right.



I wish he would talk with me through the night by the windy riverside... I wish he'd romance me again....



Instead of taking us on like "responsibility".



I don't want that... If you had to make us your responsibility, then you'll never ever appreciate us for who we are...



People who need your love and patience.



I really want to be swept off my feet again...



Without being grilled by the walking torch....

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Blog entry I didn't manage to post yesterday due to connections problem. Starts after the line break.

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If connection is down... this post shouldn't be up. Well I'm just testing it out. It's been a while I've actually sat in a coffeehouse, sipping a cuppa and writing.



Actually I need to update a new blog. Fix some templates problems and revamp this current one as well.



Oh yes, about the new blog... totally impersonal and 100% business-related. Yes, I'm in the midst of starting a business. Don't wish to sit my ass on it for too long lest the enthusiasm dies off like my previous business plan; I couldn't even find the missing proposal I've typed out three years ago!



Let me explain...



I'm always keen on starting something with what I already have: a skill, objects, my brain, et cetera. Sell it to the world beginning from my mother country, Singapore.



This one... this new baby... I think is so going to sell like hot cakes, no logistics issues, no need for a headquarter, minimum startup cost.



Still in the midst of typing out the proposal. Something I always do yet show no one but Chris. Somehow I think people would laugh at the content.



Already doing some grounding work before the proposal is even finished; Chris is telling me that I'm being impractical.



Since when have practicality been MY way of life? I usually go with the flow of life, the flow of my freaking crazy brain, and gut. Oh, the gut is the killer.



And the GUT thinks that this is so going to WORK OUT.



Digressing a little...



I need to apologise to the fat man driving a red Toyota Altis who snatched my husband's parking lot at Kampong Java.



Because you did that, my husband got angry AT me and I in turn got real MAD at you... so I did something bad. (it couldv'e been worse - I'd wanted to smash your windscreen actually) I twisted his side mirror. It's not going to get damaged, just went out of shape a little. All you have to do, MR FAT MAN, is twist it back in shape. It might get a little loose, but you could tighten it with a screw driver when you get home.



In addition, I need to apologise to the rubbish bin at Kampong Java Park. Yes, you, the one one nearest to the pavement leading to the carpark... I'm sorry I kicked you so hard. Thank god you were made of concrete (who the hell made rubbish bins out of concrete, I'm baffled) and I think my slippers hurt much more than you.



And I'm sorry to you, Swensons signboard... for kicking you too. You were too tempting to be left out of my punching bag list. But I think you deserve it for not allowing us access to powerpoint even though we were willing to pay a freaking $50 to dine at your premises.



Finally... I'm so freaking sooooorrrrrryyyy to myself... sorry to my brain cos I think I'd burst a few vessels; sorry to my heart cos I think it was really overworked for that half hour; sorry to my nose cos I suddenly had this compulsive desire to rub it till its so red.



I just need to clarify; I'm not sorry to the man who SORT OF triggered my violent behavior... by SORT OF, I meant to take full responsibility for my behavior, and not blame it on you. I allow my anger to escalate beyond control, so yes, you are not to be blamed. Still, no apologies to you because me being your punching bag is still a reality, and I HATE being a bag.



Especially a PUNCHING BAG.



A punching bag is FAT.



FAT.



I haven't even got to the part where you said I could afford to lose a little weight, last night.



From now on, I'm so not going to eat and be super stick thin.



Come 1st July - I will not be able to fit into all my pants, because I'm going to be so freaking skinny.



FYI, all your previous GFs WERE skinny; especially the LAST one.



I was the only STRONG-LOOKING one okay?!



Oh never mind!



Freaking pissed right now.



But I'm not going to let this affect my mood.



Because being happy is to find the state of being - the transition of life and godliness... And it has nothing to do with what is happening in this freaking lousy dimension.



Ohm.....

Monday, June 21, 2010

Peace in the heart? Where do I get peace from?



Is it something internal? Something that comes from the will of the mind again? Because if it is... then I'll never have peace until I learn to be strong willed.



I'm so frustrated all the time. I think its not because of all the people around me... its me.



I'm the one with the BIG problem. Definitely.



When can I finally realize that sometimes sub-standards and inefficiencies are the way of life in some people? Or, should I rephrase that I've already realized this... when can I ACCEPT it? OMFG... this is so frustrating.



Then there's human interactions and relationships... how do you handle everyone with courtesy and respect?



Maybe I should start respecting myself to begin with.



... before I start demanding people to RESPECT me. Is it so difficult? To see me as a person with feelings; brittle heart?



I need a shrink.



Clear my clotted pea brain for a bit.




I'm quite sure the problem lies with me.



And I feel so bad for making it hard to endure for my loved ones...



I need. To. Find. Peace.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Why is it that I take it on myself to shoulder everyone's pain?



I have no idea.



It seems right that I should be the one to solve your problems, cheer you up, make you feel welcomed, find you a soulmate, et cetera et cetera.



YOU, refers to almost anyone and everyone I've crossed path with.



And to not make YOU happy, seems almost cardinally wrong.



Sadness comes to me so quickly...



Just as anger, abandonment, loneliness and all other emotions grip me.



What is my purpose in life? I'm not quite sure it's the usual purpose others have in theirs...



How can I take away YOUR sufferings and make everything okay again?



I know how painful it is... To not be able to live happily; in contentment.



If only I could take away everyone's sufferings... And suffer in their place.



What is one broken soul compared to millions who could be saved?



Is this how you feel sometimes?



Or am I abnormal?



Seriously... I think I'm abnormal.



I'm no God; I can't mend broken souls. I should just get on with mending my own...



And stop adding burdens to my already tortured soul.



If you are reading this and you have had a very bad day/ life/ relationship, please stay strong....



Because the rain will eventually stop, and the floods in orchard road will eventually clear... Flowers bloom again after winter passes... And there is nothing sweeter than tasting bliss after agony... Because you knew how much better it is, isn't it?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

It's scary how things are turning out to be...



Yet I have a whole new different perspective on how to manage... even though it seems so hard to follow things through....



It isn't easy for him either. Yet I can't help but sometimes feel shortchanged... cheapened for the very fact that I could have just call it a day.



Then I remembered my promise to him the day we married. My promise to him the day we agreed that this would be forever.



He's the man I love; no doubt.



If so HE asks of me to submit to my man, I will... and then he will love me.



Never mind which one comes first.



As long as we both make the effort.



Baby... please stay strong. If I can take your anger in stride, I'm sure you would overcome it one day!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Not without a fight.



Yes. Not going to go down without one.



It was four in the morning when I woke up and fought. Terrible urge to succumb to the freaking temptation. As I sat on the sofa staring at the ticking clock... I realized how weak my will was... To win this war.



I seem almost addicted to the pain and sorrow... The bitterness on my tongue tasted almost wonderfully satisfying to my weathered soul.



Is this what is? This distorted, freakish addiction to pain?



Is this it for the rest of my life?



Hell no. My life is looking too good to simply waste it on rehab.



So there I was again, five in the morning, bathing to jolt the fighting spirit awake.



It helped a little... But I wished I could wake my husband up to walk me through the minefield.



Sigh.



I was told to break the chain... The one thing that's keeping me from walking forward...



I have the tool, but do I have the strength?

Sunday, June 6, 2010

I am looking forward to the day when I can appreciate the word 'nostalgia'.



Because when I look back at my life right now, there is absolutely nothing nostalgic about it. How sad to realize that there had been nothing but pain and sufferings... childhood, adolescence, teenage, early adulthood... Sigh!



What little fun I had as a person, I reckon I'd already attributed them to 'fluke fun', nothing to be nostalgic about. I'd strived my whole 29 years of life trying to live up to my own goals and dreams, pursuing stuffs that I deem so important to personhood...



So focused, yet I led a pitiful life...



Is this how you are living your life?



I hope not.



Because now, I'm so much happier, free of goals and dreams... only wanting to be alive.



For my husband...



My children...



My family...



myself.



Nothing is really more important than to seize the day like there is no tomorrow. If there IS no tomorrow... goals and dreams don't really matter anymore don't they?



God, if this is what You have been trying to get to me... I'm sorry I took so long to finally get it.



People out there are looking at timeline after timelines... deadline after deadlines... (inspired by some good friend who gives us timelines to follow when we 'fix appointment' with him for gathering)... loosen up and slow down to smell the roses... because... if today were to be your last... I'm sure you wouldn't mind another hour with good company like us...



If there is not one soulmate you've found... it is not really the end of the world... because if its LOVE you are looking for... you have love amongst friends and family... that is all that you need.



If betrayal is on your list of hate... then its time to let go of the hatred and forgive... because there won't be another TOMORROW for you to waste cursing.



Am I still cursing? Probably... but everyday I wake up regretting that I did not love him more than I curse him...



And everyday... I realized the limited time I have with him... and how much it had been wasted, and I'm still wasting...



I'm no Christian... but I pray for strength to hold up what I promised myself...



... that life is too short to waste... that right now, in front of me... is a bed of roses I have to smell and enjoy... and hopefully... because I made an effort to do this... his anger would finally go away.



I have nothing to hide, and I don't wanna hide anything from you.



What you see is what you get, baby. Really.



And if there is another man... you will be the first to know...



But I doubt this day would come. Really really.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Yes, there is still hope in this world.



I cannot believe my eyes when people actually helped. And help did come in a timely manner indeed.



Was on my way back after work today holding a bagful of groceries in a paper bag. It gave way, and I was like thinking... Maybe I should just leave those stuffs on the floor and go home... Since I have no more bags to hold those stuffs...



Then came 4 ladies who started picking up the stuffs one by one for me... One of them mumbling that my bag tore...



I replied that indeed it had and I have no bags to hold those fruits and stuff...



Then a kind elderly lady walked over and gave me her paper bag... Saying that I could use hers... It was a little small... But I told the young lady helping me pack that it was better than nothing. She smiled.



Then that same elderly lady came over again and handed me another bag... "na, this one bigger," she said.



I was soooooo grateful. To everyone who'd helped. I had thought that civic mindedness and kindness no longer existed in the hearts of singaporeans... Yet these ladies proved otherwise. I'm gladly ashamed that i'd been wrong about my countrymen. There are, in fact, people amongst people who are still warmhearted, and helpful.



In the heat and hustle and bustle, five kind souls had managed to extend their arms out to me and warmed my stone cold heart.



I'm not the only one who thinks of helping people in need, I'm not the only one not embarassed to be in awkward positions just to bring aid to strangers, I hope I'm not the only one who has gotten help and wants to pay the kindness forward... And continue this marvelous chain of kindness to random strangers.



I'm keeping the warmth in my heart, don't anyone dare cool it down again. Cheers!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I had dreams about my life and how I wanted it to be. Big dreams.



They shattered two years ago.



Now I simply lead a day at a time, taking cautious and weak steps ahead like the floor around my feet is going to collapse anytime.



Poof! Goes my dreams of many... Yet right now... I'm not quite sure that dreams are the way to go. Are they even realistically practical? Maybe I shouldn't be a spoilsport for you dreamers out there. There are, in fact, dreams that come true. Just not mine, anyway.



My son Isaac has big dreams. He dreams to become a pilot some day, and judging from the way he's living his life now, I reckon he'd at most end up a very very, exceptionally good writer and reader, just like his mother. He tells fantastic stories about his little toy trains, he loves to create characters like aliens up a tree and "nonos" that move his food.



And he uses big, bombastic words that have yet to carve a niche in the English dictionary...



That's my boy... And he's turning four this Sunday.



This boy... Whom I owe a lot to.



I owe him a happy infanthood... He was practically in the arms of a crying woman half the time of his infancy stage...



I owe him a pleasant toddlerhood... He was listening to daddy and mummy screaming at each other every weekend...



I owe him his childhood... It was spent practically learning to behave like a sensitive adult, being worrisome like a sensible person.



Most of all... I owe him love... Love that was engulfed by my own blinded, tortured heart. Love that he deserves, and didn't get because he was borned into a crumpling set of parents... It is all in the past, but still fresh in my mind, because all these had made him become who he is today... Too mature for his little age of four.



I wanna give him so much on his birthday... So much yet it'll never be enough. Nothing could justify the trauma he'd been through as a baby... The big, doe-eyed seven month old baby staring quieting in his mother's arms while his parents carried on a shouting match of 'why can't I move back home'...



Son, you know I love you... Don't you? Because... Finally... The shouting matches have gone, the tearful mummy no longer cries, the house you live in, has a daddy.



Happy birthday, son. I love you.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Would you still be interested if this were a boring old blog, with no life story sadder than yours?



Nothing better to do... food for thought... Chew on it peeps.


Life. As it is. In your face.



It's a do-or-die thing. Many a time, we are left with no choice but to take what we are given. And make the best out of what is.



I'm cool with this theory. Well basically I'm just the sort of adaptive person who could simply recreate stuffs out of other stuffs that I don't necessary need. You see, with people, all I have to do is to create an environment where I could make them feel important, needed, appreciated. And there you have it - an ally out of a stranger.



With tons of work piled up on my desk - well to put it simply... They are just challenges that make me useful and more resilient; even if it means I'm doing other people's work. Hey, one of these days I'm bound to be rewarded with my diligence; in my afterlife if not this human life. Rofl.



I just don't understand why I couldn't take this mentality and use it with my personal life - relationship. Totally sucks.



How do I let go of the hatred?



If I were that philosophical and intelligent, I would've psycho-Ed myself into believing that everything is as good as it gets; if not better.



So unfair for him to remain trapped in my hatred. Even though he seems quite happy to move on.



God I'm talking to You now. Give me a sign, show me how. So I can stop sleeping on my sofa at night. And please make the stupid nightmare go away. Hate to see that skinny naked body every night.