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Casino Spiele

My Tw|t Garden
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Endless hatred.

Is there such a thing?

Actually, do I really hate that person or is it just envy?

I secretly think it's just envy. Really.

Envious that no harm has been inflicted on her, that she continues her happily ever after fairy tale with some other person, that she is still able to see light at the end of some tunnel she accidentally went into.

Envious that Karma is so minimal, that no one even noticed it's work on her. That even I begin to question if there was one to begin with.

Maybe it hasn't started, you may comfort me. But I know better.

People forget very fast. Especially when they are not the ones hurt or injured.

If you slapped a person and caused a bruise, true, guilt may gnaw on you for a few days if you keep seeing that bruise on the victim. But if the person never appear in your life after that slap; or the bruise heals - you forget about it.

But that person would remember; the pain that was inflicted, the trauma of having been humiliated and shamed by one single slap.

Why am I back to where I was again?

I thought I'd moved on....

In fact. I realized I never did.

I just covered up well. That's all.

Maybe all the people in this world never did too; this kind of things that happened to them. These lessons would cause them to make decisions differently, live their lives differently, even think and speak differently.

Perhaps it's because I've heard and saw too much for my comfort recently; which explains this regression.

Plus not to mention my temperament is not exactly at its ideal for emotional crisis management.

I don't know....

Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse.

To show everyone how pathetic I am.

Maybe someone should do something.

Maybe I should.

Monday, December 24, 2012

... are a complicated lot.

It's only in difficult times and challenges that their true self show.

Fight or flight, hide or own up, hold your head up or be ashamed, criticizing or encouraging.

The character of a person is revealed in a fleeting moment of instability, uncertainty, tragedy.

It's could be his own, or someone else's moment, yet this character becomes accentuated anyway.

This is the link between human and human, soul to soul.

I've always put other people's life into my own reflection study. I believe that learning from other people's mistakes enhance my chances of not repeating the same mistakes.

Simultaneously, my inability to make friends reminds me to pick and take lessons even from the most inconspicuous stranger/passerby in my life.

This way I won't lose out on gaining more wisdom and learning more life lessons.

They called it a saga, but from my point of view, this uniquely close-to-heart incident that unfolded itself into the cyber world has etched deeply in my heart as a reminder; a reminder that I am not alone. That many other people in this universe are experiencing the same if not fates worse than mine, or even Yuki's.

Supporters band together to express their hate for the immoral female in the picture; while others band together to give Yuki support and love she so deserves.

Everyone has an agenda; this I believe.

Her agenda may be to prove to herself that she is superior to other women, that she is more capable of attaining affection and love from men that other women - she is just a pitiful soul who craves affirmation. In a wrong way.

And your agenda, for now, is to heal, move on, and let go. I understand, and I feel you. I have always believed that writing liberates and relinquishes one's inner demon. In the process, you have unknowingly spread love, support and the spirit of forgiveness to everyone you've touched in the cyber world.

You are a true fighter. An angel. Someone who doesn't just throw away life because it gave you a stumbling block.

In fact, you celebrated it with positivity; albeit with apprehension.

You remind me very much of someone I once knew. Someone I almost forgot about.

Someone who had chosen to give in to life's stressors and continuous road blocks in the end.

I'm gonna make her come back.

She is coming back. She will.

Because words are only words if no one appreciate their true power to create miracles.

Words heal, and words save lives.

You made me remember. And for this, I'm eternally grateful.

I imagine one day, that the disgusting father who came into my life for a fleeting moment today; would remember my words to him; to have fun educating his son, and really raise his son to become righteous and kind. Because a stranger took one minute of her life to remind him to.

I imagine the lady who despairs on Yuki's page; leading a fulfilling life in the future; remembering how many strangers come together to motivate her once very long ago. Because Yuki turned her tragedy into something more.

We all have the power to change lives. We just don't know it.

Some choose to ignore this power their whole lives; others use it for good, bad or even simply to survive in this dog-eat-dog world.

This is just innate in their characters. Yet it is what defines a society, a mix of individuals coming together.

We are all children of God. Fight or flight, moral or immoral, good or bad, He loves us just the same.

It is us, people, that makes it different.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

For the people in my life, strangers, acquaintances, friends, lover, children, detractors, family.

Because of you, I am who I am today. I remembered today. Because of you, I decide to pull up my socks and put a stop to my downward spiral to no return.

I had it bad. Someone else would've had it worse. If one person doesn't appreciate me, another would. It doesn't have to be my lover, it could be a passerby; someone I've helped today.

If there's no one at all, I know I still have 3 wonderful kids who'd die to have me in their lives.

Last night, I made a wonderful friend. Someone as strong as me. Someone who's been through something similar, someone beautiful, kind and magnanimous.

I'm glad our paths crossed. She saved me from the dark arms of the unknown. She put a light in my heart.

Bless you, my new friend. And let's celebrate our strength with beautiful words and kindness.

Merry Christmas.

Hello darkness.

It's back.

I hate to admit it but its really back. In fact, it's been a good whole month since I've last seen daylight.

Yeah. The sun still rises, even on 21/12/2012; yet I don't see nor feel it.

A walking zombie I call myself; working on clockwork and default setting.

I'm starting to binge on unhealthy snacks, taken on a couldn't-care-less attitude, even thought about death multiple times a day. Everyday.

I thought it was just a passing phase.

I thought for one whole month.

Didn't even think much of it when I wanted to bring all three of them on a hell ride the other night.

Yeah, my three wonderful little angels.

Today my insomnia returns. Officially.

And I know for sure this would be the beginning of another long battle with the dark knight.

Am I deteriorating, or is he getting chummy with complacency?

I told him I needed him to communicate with me; to let me know what's going on in his mind. To have a conversation with me instead of doing it with himself. Is that wrong?

He retorts by saying that he needs an occasional shut-down from the world; he can't be talking all the time, he says.

No, but just the really necessary small talks maybe?

Yeah, he's sleep-deprived for many unforeseen reasons I couldn't fault him for:

1) housework
2) roster making (work work)
3) child care
4) me-time

Yet none of it justifies the kind of treatment imposed on me. Really.

I gave up trying. And it got worse.

Then I started thinking what a lousy bargain I got for myself. And I began hating my existence. I began hating my inability to walk away from it all despite trying a few awkward times. I began hating starting a legacy I couldn't give up on; our kids.

What was I thinking when I had them? That I could raise kids like normal intelligent adults do?

I feel like a loser.

I'm made to feel like one too.

And I'm reminded that I'm one. Most of the time anyway.

There was so much hope in my old entries.

But now I could only see death and cold.

Perhaps I should start my Prozac again.

Perhaps I should see someone. A professional.

I know I'm getting way out of hand. I know it when it happens. Like how hard I have to fight to keep the wall away from my head. Like how I don't feel like eating a single healthy piece of edible. Like how I holler at the top of my voice at the slightest thing. Like how I shut myself from everyone and become detached. Like how I weep at the most ridiculous moments and how my bowel movement became non existent.

And all he could say to me was: you have to help yourself. You can't rely on me to save you.

As if he had ever saved me.