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My Tw|t Garden
Saturday, July 31, 2010

Somehow I don't see anything in front anymore.



I don't even think anymore.



I may seem to be brooding... But it's really empty inside the bird brain.



Tired. Why do I even try. Whether the day is good or not always depends on whether he is happy, frustrated, sad, happy, stressed, pissed. Then I have to react accordingly. I don't even have the freedom to question the type of treatment rendered to me.



Selfish. You ask what then happens to how he feels. Oh, I get it. It's back to the self sacrificial theory (that makes me lose myself) of putting his needs above my own. Right.



Try to keep up with a man who feels frustrated all the time. And one who feels disgraced by his wife wanting to eat free chips at food trials.



All in good humor really. I'm challenged and am feeling the heat right now. I have absolutely no wish to be disgracing anyone by my own behavior and I definitely need no one to show me contempt even in the slightest remark or behavior.



Again I feel this desperate need to be invisible.



And blind.



So I can never, ever see the face that makes me feel less worthy day after day.




A single sigh, a reproaching burrowed brow... Sigh. I can't believe I'm always at the mercy of the random drivers on the road. Yes. Even that! If all of you are not stupidly driving like you own the road... I wouldn't have to handle a disgruntled man who seems never to fail cussing and swearing.



And at the end, I am the one who has to see all these. And endure rude replies and irritated conversations. All because the traffic agitated him.



So I didn't know what I did at the restaurant just now.



Really no clue. So I asked him. To clarify the "frustrated" sigh he accidentally let out.



"nothing". Nothing?



Then with "nothing", I shouldn't be getting any bad vibes isn't it?



I'm tired. If you are disgraced by my eating habits, angered by my efforts to have nice photos taken( all in good faith), negative feedbacks of the photos... Tell me. Because I'm willing to stop disgracing and stifling you. But don't say "nothing". Be cause nothing always mean something.



Always.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

You know how celebrities cook up scandals to make themselves famous. I think humans are made in such a way that you are only famous when you:

1. Did something morally wrong
2. Have a more than unusual miserable life
3. Are suffering a fate worse than any innately possible circumstance



You know me because I have a miserable (or so I thought) life.



You are interested because reading about me makes you feel far much better than you actually are.



You follow me because my existence in your life proves that SHIT happens. And you are not alone.



I'm okay with this. And I want to let you know that, really. Shit happens all the time.



My readership actually hit the roof on the days I went berserk. This I am not sure whether to laugh or cry.



But I'm definitely sure that I have a bunch of secret/ open readers with whom I could share my scandal with; albeit less glamorous.



I'm good. Everyone (open/ secret). I'm good.



Just another regression that I'd wished wouldn't.



My therapist instructed me to continue torturing my poor husband. Only because I told her I don't wish to stop.



By not stopping, I have given up the right to happiness, to dreamless sleep, to see the pot of GOLD at the end of the rainbow.



She was dead serious when she told me to continue what I'm doing right now. I'll tell you what I'm doing.



I'm not letting go of the past because I want to have a hold on the man I said i love. I want to torture him and cause him pain like the kind of pain I felt and am still feeling, until I deem fit. I want to make his life so miserable, he'd wish he hadn't. But heck. I want to stop.



She didn't teach me how.



The tortured man says forgiveness is the key. True forgiveness.



I say... HOW?



I need a religion.



Stat.



Lest the can of worms decides to crawl out again and eat my bird brain up. For good.



If flesh and blood human can't help. Something spiritual might just do.



Fact is... I don't hear from God quite often nowadays. Maybe the evil is too overwhelming - clouding my sanity and hearing ability.



I very much prefer death anytime.



Still... onwards I trudge. Gotta have FAITH FAITH FAITH!



Aw shucks... really darn glad the tortured man is still holding my hand.



I owe you. ♥

Saturday, July 24, 2010

It brought us closer, but it has undeniably tortured my soul till today: answer to ur first thought.

Do u love me more or urself, since u forced me to say that one word I hate to say... U left me with nothing else to say except 活该 cos I felt abandoned, misunderstood. I didn't ask u to leave. Only beg u to visit the hospital as little as u possibly can, if u feel even the least bit of more love to me than urself; u would understand my agony and fear of u bumping into her, rather than thinking that I stifle and restrict u. Answer to ur second thought.

If u loved me more than urself, u'd leave even without me saying anything. If u loved me more than urself, u'd never had felt restricted. U'd have felt pain and sorrow for my insecure soul.

I never doubted the fact that I love u more. Ever. Because if I had loved myself more... I'd have left u two years ago. I hung on... Not because of Isaac or that I had no one else... I hung on because I worried u can't continue life alone. I worried no one would be there to dress ur wounded soul. But in the midst of it all, my tortured soul continues to be hit over and over again.

U will never understand. I've realized today. Never. Because u were never hurt the way I was. Like a man I used to like once told me... U'll never know the pain of betrayal until u get betrayed.

My wound is infested with maggots.

My heart shattered to millions of pieces.

My body is cold and bruised.

And I'm still trying to love u.

Do u even appreciate that?

No. Because in the end, I am still stifling u, still restricting u, still causing u to sacrifice all that u deem important. I'm tired, but I won't give up. Because I had never given up anything my entire life. I will follow this marriage thru like a real warrior should; sans my sanity.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

This is just so depressing. We have different ways of teaching our children; which couple doesn't?



But I'm quite certain no one gets all worked up and angry over nothing like being asked to give the poor son a little more "genuine" attention .



And I was the one being questioned if I had given 100% attention to him....



So lame.



Then we had to endure the high speed highway saga all the way home, followed by silent treatment (only to me I guess) the rest of the evening.



If he doesn't wanna hold your hands, you just give up?



Only goes to show how much you really care and bother.



The poor boy'll never get any justice done to his pathetic childhood. Because there won't ever be a repeat. All you're interested in is not missing ian's childhood. How about starting to really bother about isaac's life and not leaving him to me just because he prefers me?



The only reason why he does so is you were never a part of his childhood. And please... Everytime you talk rudely to him and make obvious preference to Ian over him simply makes me even more sure that Isaac will never grow out of his depressive and violent state he's in right now.



Guess I'm wrong again. Whatever I did to trigger your anger this evening.



I've no clue except that I'm totally wrong again.



When am I ever going to build up my self esteem???




At this rate where everything I do seems to be wrong... I'd bet on my miserable life that I'm never ever ever going to recover.



So here I am. Sitting in a cold miserable corner in my neighborhood... Writing on my little iPhone... Thinking of death as an escape again.



It's getting alarmingly frequent these days. And no, thinking about it doesn't mean I'd actually do it. Unless...



Well technically I won't. Since I'm writing about it... Just that... It's so nice to hope for something I know would eventually come true; forced or by nature.



These ramblings are making me dizzy.... Incoherent even.




I'm being ignored. And I remembered. I remembered.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

It amazes me how she works my brain each time. I never fail to leave her place feeling silly that I needed to pay her a visit in the first place...



That aside... All I get from her are what I already know; just not practicing...



See how idiotic I am? The rut I'm stuck in is the result of my own evil mind, nothing else.



I already know that we first love the be loved; give then receive; why did I complicate matters by adding ME to the equation?



This terrain is a little bumpy; a lot sticky... But we're nevertheless trudging on with determination.



It's what You wanted for us right?


Is it so difficult to understand my point of view? I understand your point. But if I develop negative feelings because of what you did, I'm supposed to shove it and tell myself I am just being difficult?



Yes. I think that's what you want me to do.



Did I mention that I'm very tired?



I'm stuck in a rut I can't get out of.




And I'm so so tired.

Monday, July 19, 2010

It's so wrong to assume things for others; even for your own partners. You may do things for the good of them, but the intention may not be reciprocated.



I hate drinking milk in the morning. It leave a smelly aftertaste even after brushing my teeth. But the milk is always on the table waiting on most mornings; even though I mentioned I'd very much prefer to have it at night.



I appreciate very much the gestures extended to me and am so thankful that at least he cared.



Are you thankful for the things done to you; not to your liking but very much for your own good?



Mothers are the number one culprits for this kinda deeds. And many a times we take them for granted; tell them off for not respecting our wishes.



But really... All they want is for us o be safe and healthy and happy.



Likewise in my situation.



I really feel like doing a 'bleah!' and telling him to shove it. Still... You see... I will eventually end up being in the wrong which ever side of the coin I chose to bet myself on...



Suck big time.



I should learn self restrain. From both sides of the coin. Best if I could just mind my own business. Steer clear of trouble.



So tired these days. Like... How nice if I were to be able to sleep forever.



I need help, not more stimulants. You need help; I cannot help you. Isn't it obvious why? Sorry.



Sorry sorry sorry.



My bad.



Always my bad.



So tired.



So so tired.







Someone please save me from all these miseries.



I'm inching very very close to the brink of some place I'd rather be. I know it and yet am too weak to refuse it.



No one is helping. No one.



So tired.



So.



Very.



Tired.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Please, please... stay focused.



We have a lifetime together, don't waste it on shattered glasses; the current china ware looks so much better.



Don't bother to look at his weaknesses and stop grousing about his personality.



His strengths are so much more beautiful; ain't his personality the sole cause for your deep love for him?



Appreciate, and you will find contentment.



How many times do you have to write that to etch it in your mind, Sam?



I'm so disgusted with myself.



Like I'm any better than him... duh. NOT!



Self talk. The only way to knock some sense into this impossible and stubborn-as-a-mule soul who insists on living as the ghost of the past.



Reborn. And be happy. You deserve it, Sam.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

When you feel like dying all the time... do you actually seek Death itself?



Suicide is so rampant these days... it pains me to see people not cherishing the lives that were given to them; even if it was at a cost.



I remember one time, in my secondary school days... a language teacher posed a question to the whole class; "In what circumstance would you commit suicide?"



I've forgotten the reason the discussion escalated to that depressive state, but I remembered I wasn't paying attention; I was talking to another classmate.



That pretty language teacher called my name (only because I was not attentive), and asked for my opinion. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE QUESTION WAS.



Since no one wanted to help... I decided to own up and confess that I wasn't listening. She repeated the question; eying me reproachfully.



Without batting an eyelid... I told her that IN NO CIRCUMSTANCES WOULD I EVER CONSIDER SUICIDE AS MY OPTION OF PROBLEM RESOLUTION.



She was taken aback; and probed further.



I told her that suicide is an act of cowardice, and if people had the courage to bring themselves to jump from the 20th floor... they should jolly well take THAT courage to live on and face the music (whatever melody it is).



I was so sure of myself then...



... so sure.



Now... I'm not too certain I feel that way anymore.



Dying and seeking Death seems so much easier... so much more... simplified.



No more pain, sorrow, agony, frustrations, disappointments. No more difficult roads to walk... no one to worry about forever.



Suicide is NOT an act of cowardice.



It is an ACT OF DESPAIR.



It is so so scary when hope is lost. No one can carry on when HOPE is taken away from them.



The reason why you are still alive is because you're still hoping; for a better tomorrow, for that December bonus, for that little baby to be born next January...



The reason why they are dead... they don't hope anymore.



They wake up every morning wishing they were invisible; that is if they even manage to get to sleep.



They have nothing to look forward to... and their minds are on only one thought; to disappear forever from the surface of any planet. This way... all their problems would be solved - by eradicating their own existence... they've completed 'payback', they would relinquish all responsibilities.



Sad thing is... someone has to carry on their responsibilities, continue their 'payback', solve their unsolved problems...



Suicide... is the end of your difficult life journey; but the beginning of another loved one's agony.



I think about this all the time... and I'm still quite sure I'm not going to opt for the 'highway' anytime soon.



HOPE is always there; I simply have to open my eyes and take notice of it.



Gosh. I am so in need of my Prozac.

Monday, July 5, 2010

How do you know you are in a bad relationship that urgently needs you to get out of?



How do you know when love becomes dangerous?



It's the fish bowl effect. You'll never know it until you're dead. Or at least crippled.



Sigh.



Life is really a test of faith. And when you believe... You will.



The will explains a lot; why people persevere and trudge on even in the darkest night and stickiest mud...



I'm talking about willpower; the mind over matter. Unless you're telling me that the devil has other plans in store for me...



I'm now officially led to believe that it's a lose-lose situation that I have to endure... Hopefully one day... I might just win one small battle... Just one, dear Life. So I can proudly tell my decendants that I've lived, and survived.



So vague... Yet these words calm my tortured soul.



So incoherent.. Yet these words put perspectives right again.



Funny how everyone wallows in their own miseries... And leave the poor poorer, the sick sicker... The angry, angrier.



Time to pick up your weary hearts and start painting fresh new paint to your colorful lives! Do not even waste another nanosecond worrying about things we cannot control... Because time waits for no man... And no man waits for one woman forever. Take his hand or forever hold your peace.



Peace... I'm going to take from the One who gives.

Friday, July 2, 2010

And he thinks I wanna get rid of him.




Cummon, if I wanted to; I'd have eons ago.




Our sons are becoming replicas of him. All the screaming spates in the house. Even the baby screams. Sigh.




I'm going to reflect upon my mistakes and be a better mother; I wonder if you'd do the same.




Then you'll try and try and end up frustrated because I "won't appreciate" you.




I don't know...




I feel like I'm in a bad romance... the victim of some serial mood controller; on the other hand... I'm made to think that I controlled his mood.




Maybe... I am not sure anymore.




You know how some spouses batter their partners and when the victims threaten to leave, they come crying and saying they're sorry? And how these victims almost 100% return to their violent lives and continue to be battered and bashed? Forever until they died from their injuries....




I don't get beaten up... but my heart and feelings do.




Is this the same?




That the perpetrator never realizes how much he is hurting her?




Because he is engrossed in his own misery equally painful to him?




And because that said misery is created by the victim herself?





Then I won't create anything anymore. Let peace prevail in the house so my children can grow up decently docile.




No violence, no shouting and no screaming.




Not resigned to my fate... but choose to actively participate in what is being mapped out for me.




If this is what I'm given, then I'll make do with what I have.




A divorced mother of four young children once told me that her children are everything... yet she indulges in self pity till neglect grows on each and every single one of her offspring.




I'm shocked beyond words what Isaac is turning into.




And STOP he must.




Baby I'm sorry I couldn't do more to give you a good life... and bring you up to become a good person. I'm sorry you have to watch NONSENSE from birth till now. I'm sorry I'm still showing you NONSENSE.





You don't know how much pain I'm feeling now.




Starting today... you'll only dream of flowers and bees in the garden... no more nightmares and crying and shutting you in stores. No more...




No more.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Baffled. On how things are slowing unfolding...



How super bleak everything looks...




Am I the only one feeling this way?




Doubt it.




Sometimes I really wished someone could just wipe out my memory forever.