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My Tw|t Garden
Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Baby's coming, a new beginning.




I have everything to lament about my life.




Yet I choose to live and let live.




Life is still wonderful.




Despite how hard I seem to be working myself.




He's not all supportive, yet he tries his best in the way he knows best.




I believe in good karma. I still do.




And I believe that tomorrow will always be a better day than what has passed.




I still do.




After all that I've been through... This is peanuts to me.




You people know no better. Really. The kind of practice I've had.




I'm a fighter. Not a quitter.




And I'll stay to fight all battles come what may.




With or without help.




I've got nothing to lose.




But everything to gain.




And my baby's coming.




It's a new beginning.

Friday, March 18, 2011

I'm feel silly.




In a good way.




Silly in love.




Not the immature kind.




But the we-really-work-hard-at-it kind.




It's times like this that I feel 100% assured that we'd be together no matter what.




I catch myself looking at him for the longest time smiling silly to myself.




I even find it mesmerizing that his eyes could dart about so quickly while he attempts to ogle at as many women as possible.




I don't find it irritating/ offending/ non-reassuring anymore.




Marriage is really all about focussing on the good while giving the bad a break.




Really.




I'm won over.




Bribed. Jumped ship.




Never gonna step into the dark side.




Ever.


I started last Saturday.




Thinking of one reason why I love him. Daily.




And I realized, with everyday that I count my blessings to have him, I appear to appreciate him more than ever.




He deserves it.




All the good stuff that he's getting now.




He has worked his arse off evolving himself into who he is now.




And I have to stop looking at the minor habits that irritate me.




I just don't feel right penalizing his little bad habits anymore.




Somehow - they no longer seem important for me to grouse at.




I'm amazed by the effect of counting blessings.




Have gotta start doing it - count blessings - in everything I do.




It makes me feel that I'm the luckiest and most blessed being in this universe - even though I know I'm not.




You people should all try it.




The kick you get out if it...




is priceless.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Once again, God had reminded us that Human cannot control everything.




I wonder if it's the preggie hormones at work or something else, my eyes geared everytime I read about the quake and tsunami victims in Japan.




There we are, millions, in fact zillions of people lamenting daily about how fat they are, how miserable their work is making them, etc - and yet, they've never faced the worst.




I'm reminded, and humbled, once again - that life is beyond me. And that I should count my blessings everyday instead of grumbling about what's not ideal in my life.




There's really little we can do when it comes to nature and it's way.




All we could do is to accept graciously what comes and handle the worst with our best might in unity.




I wonder what little good our praying does in helping the victims...




If I can choose, I'd fly there and be physically aiding the people in need.



They could do with some psychological support, physical aid, medical help.




I feel useless when I realized there is really none of the above I'm able to do.




Thus, the feeling of guilt when I switch on the lights in the house when the sun goes down...




The feeling of being an assh*le when I drink a glass of plain water...




The tendency to reprimand my son when he turns on the tap to wash his hands for too long.




My daily problems are mediocre compared to what is going on out there in the world - yours are too.




So don't fret about not having enough sleep and get your butt to work...




You are already very lucky you've got a steady land to stand on.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Sometimes, I really think it's a matter of whether you've put in your utmost effort in the things you do.




You may bring yourself to believe a lie that you've done your best - but truth is - everyone who has tried his best would see the results he wants.




I truly believe so.




Be it studies, marriage, work or life - no one can confidently say that they've done their utmost at every aspect, every minute of their breath.




Which is why there're ups and downs, success and failure.




I'm beginning to see light in this philosophy, and it's certainly quite liberating - albeit depressing to know I couldn't come out top in everything I do.




I'm learning to let go.




And letting go of things that are beyond me - is pure peace.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

There always comes a time when a person would stop and wonder, if it was all worth the effort.




After all that has been said and done, that person has come to realize that nothing in this world is permanent.




Not relationships,




not wealth,




not health,




Not even one's own integrity.




I wish to remind myself by writing this down - that for all things that are not permanent, I should not fret.




Which means, there's nothing in this world worth fretting over!




My persistence in believing in what I hold true transcends the aching feeling inside my heart right now.




I believe that everyone looks out only for themselves.




To each his own.




Only when one is blinded by love would one do something sacrificial - or even brainless; irrational.




Neither group of individuals should be blamed for what they would potentially do, or have done to others.




For the justification to have done what they did - is ever so strong.




At least to them.




I'm done with the blame game.




And with the closure of this chapter, I will begin another with a new and fresh outlook.




I'm the lizard in your house that refuses to die.




I shed my burden to ease moving forward.




Without my tail, I could still fight.




As long as I keep myself alive.




:)

Thursday, March 3, 2011

It's hard to put a message across to you with your constant interruptions of argument and denial.




It is a fact that you get moody when you're tired - and working too much or grabbing graveyard shifts make you become the person I hate most to be with.




I know it's tough to be the breadwinner and having to be the one to pay all the bills in the house; I never once doubted the tremendously stressful task.




All I ask is to live realistically and leave everything else to God.




We're not overspending.




We simply have extra mouths to feed and raise.




You told me you won't be tired or grouchy even though you would be working your ass off - it's not true.




And every time I try to point this out to you, I get snubbed.




I'm sick of being snubbed.




I'm just gonna ignore that this is happening and stay within my own boundary.




But I thought you should know - that this would push me farther away from you.




I can already feel the distancing effect coming on.




I'm slowly withdrawing.




Lest I allow myself to get hurt.




If only you would just listen to me talk for once, and not refute every single one of my expressed thoughts to you.




I feel like a total waste of my breath every time it happens.




In case you were wondering - why I never finished most of my sentences these days... I supposed you were too glad I got 'shut upped' by your rebuttals to even notice, right?




I feel so lonely these days. I've to resort to talking to myself to release the pressure building inside of me.




You said you were not tired.




But when you were truly 'not tired', I actually felt you presence. At least more so than now.




Then you get sick.




And I had to struggle between feeling awful for you and feeling that you deserve it.




In the end, I simply got worried.




And more frustrations build up.




I wonder if keeping Isabelle had been a good decision.




I wonder if I should've just listened to you and made her go to heaven before her small little limbs were formed.




I really don't need a lot of money...




I just need a happy, healthy you.




:(

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Realized it's been quite a while since I last wrote something.




It only means two things:




1) I'm in a stable mood and I need no writing therapy.


2) I'm so freaking busy I don't even have time to poop and write simultaneously anymore.




Whatever the reasons, I've many things to be thankful for - this I'm glad.




True I may be lamenting about lousy co-workers and their incompetency, then again (as Chris would have it), how many could work with my kind of standard?




So to make myself feel less shortchanged and more accommodating, I've decided that there are just some people who would never live up to standards their whole lives, and I should pity them.




Pathetic fools.




So I've got less reason to be upset with them now.




On a happier note, Isabelle is just one month plus away from her debut performance.




I wonder how she'd fare in comparison to her brothers.




Family life's great, I'm sorry I couldn't write anything for anyone to gossip about.




Nevertheless, everyone should be elated to know that I haven't contracted any STDs so far. (*_*)||




Right. Jokes asides, I'm really all stressed up about getting STDs whilst remaining monogamous on my part.




Really.




I mean, it'd be such a dampener if I really had one kind of virus or another... I didn't even use more than one man. :(




Everyone in this world should just keep to one partner and stop spreading these dirty viruses.




Especially cheapskate women who indulges their private times with married men. (Note to self - I'm not insinuating that it's anyone I know, it's really generalizing...)




I'm writing nonsense.




But it's rally darn therapeutic to be writing about nothing but nonsense.




Makes me feel relaxed for a bit.




No I'm not saying that I'm stressed.




I'm just... a little... uptight.




No uptight doesn't mean stressed.




It simply means...




That I need a break.




Sigh.




A major break.