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Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Of Death and Dead animals
This is bad.
We're at this very low valley and couldn't see the top. Almost feels like drowning inside of me. Wonder how it feels like in him.
What is wrong with the both of us? I think its the daily mundane stuffs. Stress of children and work. Stress of my sick mind. Stress of a dozen other things. Whatever it is... its driving us apart. Or mad. Whichever comes first. Okay... maybe I'm already mad. Whatever.
I keep hanging on to the faith that everything would pass. My hands are shivering from the weight of hanging my whole body against this very thin line of faith. I've got to hold on. This is all I've got...
I need to change. I can't remain like this forever. One day I tell myself to get a grip... the next... I stumble and fall again. Sucks big time when I realize how hard it is. To hold on. Sucks even bigger time when I can't get past my 'self' and consider his predicament.
He's holding on to a thin line of faith as well. Why can't I get past myself and appreciate his efforts? Day in and out I teeter between darkness and daylight, love and hatred, self-redemption and self-torture... and there he is... trying to make a reason out of staying and fighting.
How long does it take for a man to give up?
I really don't know.
But when he does, I don't want to be there to know. I wish to vanish into thin air. Evaporate. Dissipate.
Am so weak today. Full of breath-choking thoughts of death and dead animals. Even as I strut down the street with a confident look and glittery smile.
I'm so afraid for him. Cos I think this kind of thought... is permeable. Death...
... makes everything else seem so redundant. Even myself.
This is truly the dark side of a woman suffering from major depression... this... is what depressed people think of every second of their dreadful day... this... is what I'm fighting against.
And I'm going to win this battle.
Cos even if its only a thin line... my faith will get me through. He would see that I do.
He would.
We're at this very low valley and couldn't see the top. Almost feels like drowning inside of me. Wonder how it feels like in him.
What is wrong with the both of us? I think its the daily mundane stuffs. Stress of children and work. Stress of my sick mind. Stress of a dozen other things. Whatever it is... its driving us apart. Or mad. Whichever comes first. Okay... maybe I'm already mad. Whatever.
I keep hanging on to the faith that everything would pass. My hands are shivering from the weight of hanging my whole body against this very thin line of faith. I've got to hold on. This is all I've got...
I need to change. I can't remain like this forever. One day I tell myself to get a grip... the next... I stumble and fall again. Sucks big time when I realize how hard it is. To hold on. Sucks even bigger time when I can't get past my 'self' and consider his predicament.
He's holding on to a thin line of faith as well. Why can't I get past myself and appreciate his efforts? Day in and out I teeter between darkness and daylight, love and hatred, self-redemption and self-torture... and there he is... trying to make a reason out of staying and fighting.
How long does it take for a man to give up?
I really don't know.
But when he does, I don't want to be there to know. I wish to vanish into thin air. Evaporate. Dissipate.
Am so weak today. Full of breath-choking thoughts of death and dead animals. Even as I strut down the street with a confident look and glittery smile.
I'm so afraid for him. Cos I think this kind of thought... is permeable. Death...
... makes everything else seem so redundant. Even myself.
This is truly the dark side of a woman suffering from major depression... this... is what depressed people think of every second of their dreadful day... this... is what I'm fighting against.
And I'm going to win this battle.
Cos even if its only a thin line... my faith will get me through. He would see that I do.
He would.