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Casino Spiele

My Tw|t Garden
Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Okay. I think I'm going to kill myself if I go berserk one more time.



I told Chris I'd swear off binging on snacks, and I'll give myself three months of cold turkey... starting from the moment I finish off the left over snacks at home. ROFL.



He promised not to buy any to restock and tempt me... I hope he keeps his promise.



Bought him macarons from Bakerzin to thank him for holding my hand and not letting go. He was estatic; the macarons didn't taste as well as expected though...



Our new helper would be with us come early April... now I'm really having a headache as to what to prepare for her settling in... I'm so worried she'd be missing her kids... poor girl, she has two; a two yr old and a four yr old, just like Isaac.



Maricel. Her name. She sounded like a sweet, gentle lass over the phone interview.



I hope its not a facade....



Oh, and the new house application is underway. Haha... soon we'll stay so close to work, we might as well sell the car and walk.



We're forever so irritatingly overloading ourselves with stressors... Of all times, the helper, the search for a new residence, my new job (ok, I still need some time to settle down), the new baby (stop rolling your eyes at me; its only been 6months!), its no wonder we are always at loggerheads at every little eyesore.



I hope these go away soon. Because I love my man and I hate to be on the battlefield fighting him.



Ian is sort of facing some kinda crisis these days... crying and screaming most nights through... last night he only managed to fall asleep after I placed him prone on my chest. At 4am. Imagine how zombie-like I'd been the whole day.



My mother says there's a 'lady' downstairs who is 'hungry' and wants to be 'fed'.



She 'fed' her yesterday, but Ian still continued his crappy mood.



It's most probably just a milestone he's going through...



Then again... a lot of kids in my block of flat seem to be crying non-stop at night these days...



Do you believe in the supernatural?



I still think he's just teething or something.



Sigh.



Whatever.


I need to bathe in case he starts his crappy mood again. (it usually starts after 12mn)



I hope I get to SLEEP tonight.

Sunday, March 28, 2010
I'm wrong...

I wonder if writing has ceased to have a therapeutic effect on me.



Somehow, the more I write, the more frustrated I become.



All the empty promises I've made to myself... all the dreams of letting go of the past and moving on... Sigh.



I feel I'm constantly living under the shadow of that wretched woman.



I feel... that I've lost my soul.



Should I be writing it here, I wonder. Maybe it should have been in my private journal... but I really want other women to know how it really feels to be the betrayed... the one who didn't ask for it... the one who was the last to find out.



Somehow... I figure if I don't transform myself into her... I'd be damned. Not that he is still hung up over her... its totally internal, this twisted emotion...



He told me; and I sincerely believe, that their romance developed becaused I wasn't there for him... that I'd neglected him. It was not all physical attraction... it was more emotional.



But I kept feeding my battered mind with the mentality of the obsessed... that if I could just look like; or better than her... I'd win his heart.



Why do I have to do that? Why do I keep thinking that his heart is still away? All these obsessions are making me forget... forgetting that the only way to a happy future together is to Focus. On. Him.



Today, he told me that he felt he had many flaws... he felt so because I kept picking on him... on his temper, on his mumbling, on his violent streak, on his careless nature...



I didn't know what to say... But one thing I know... is that... I have failed. My job was to make him feel like a king, like he was loved and cared for, like happiness is bountiful... in my deepest indulgence of intense jealously of that wretch, I've neglected him YET AGAIN.



When was the last time I massaged his aching shoulder?



When was the last time I trimmed his nails?



When was the last time I hugged and cuddled him in my arms and told him I love him?



Did I praise him today??



Did I look into his eyes when we speak?



Did I even bother to ask if his day went well?



If he ever strayed again, it'd be no one else's but the fault of mine.



Ladies... this, is the vicious cycle of the betrayed, the wounded bride.



Never, ever, step into this ring of deception. Don't even think about it.



It's good that my self awareness is heightened... my mind is still good to think and reflect. You might not be this lucky. Sometimes... the jealously and envy get so intensified, you'd lose yourself in it... and subsequently, your husband.



I have to get over the fact that I've lost round one and concentrate that I won't lose round two, or three, or four... I'd be a dumb ass if I did.



I've gotta pull up my socks cos no one else could've helped...



Snap out of it, Sam.



Don't wait till the apocalypse to realize the folly of your petty and crazed behavior.



He is here by your side unconditionally and you reciprocate with devotion; to him, not to her!



If that wretch refuses to get out of your life, simply exclude her from yours. She would have no ways of entry if you locked her out!



Am I even listening to myself?



God, I'm sorry I've lost faith, and I'm sorry for doubting You.



Talk to me...



This time, I'll shut up and listen.

Saturday, March 27, 2010
Be happy

I dreamt of them the whole freaking night. The pain, the shame, the sadness never left. Sometimes I cover them up so well; even I myself had been convinced that healing is heading somewhere.



What should I do? This is forever. This is unerasable, undeletable, unchangeable.




It didn't hurt her to have seen me, it won't hurt him as much to have seen her... But for me... The reminder, the truth that she was once favoured over me... That she was once his whole life... Chokes me. To death. For eternity.



Everyone is facing some sort of crisis every now and then... And I'm ashamed to say that mine is the least of worries... Remembering that my friends who are going thru even rougher patches is the only thing that calms me down; preventing myself from immersing in self pity.



Death, betrayal, sickness, troubled marriage and troubled relationships... These are the stuffs that I wished I could take off of my friends; since I'm already broken.



Please draw strength from me if you would, please believe that your crisis would pass, please do not sink as low as I have. For the deep entrenched and forgotten well of darkness would never let go if you sank in.



I'm going to prove to you that life is not all that bad. Even if crap happens. Even if everyone seems to put you down, even if death seems iminent.



Be happy in the short life you have. Be happy living as a single, capable person so loved by friends and family, be happy that your bundle of joy will be wiping away your sad tears in a few months, be happy that the dead are in a better place called heaven. Be happy, that that jerk is no longer in your wonderful life.




Be happy, that you have gone thru the worst of all crisis and that the rainbow after the rain would be beautiful.

Friday, March 26, 2010
Helpless

Maybe one day, you'll realize it's all in vain... That all your
efforts went down the drain... Because you tried too hard.

Sent from my iPhone


Saturday, March 20, 2010
System upload

Don't know what goes on in other private centres but I hear stuffs that are not very pleasant, are we expected to follow? I believe
not. I'm glad my doctor feels the same way, because I am extremely uncomfortable when it comes to cutting costs by cutting corners.



Our first surgery in TOGC was surprisingly excellent, considering that I spent the night and morning before dry-running it in my mind for the umpteenth time... Thinking that something is sure to go wrong. Okay, call mr a paranoid, whatever... But I really want to make it a point that our standards are comparable to any restructured institution.



Indeed, one does not appreciate the kind of system the institution has until one leaves the system to set up another. Sigh, I'm actually starting to roll in systems that I had actually hated when I was in one! Lol.



Ultimately, it's our conscience that did the talking at TOGC. I'm glad the conscience is morally sane.



Exhausted. From all the worrying and dry-running... Time to enjoy family time!!!

Saturday slumberland

Working again. Feel like going away on a road trip to nowhere with him, just him and I...



No work. No kids. No stresses of our daily living.



Every night we sit down to spend time, one of us is bound to doze off and fall into deep slumber... Talk about exhaustion... Zzz....



Nevertheless, I guess we did well despite all the disagreement and poor communication. Just wished everything would return to the point where we'd have super frequent dates out. Aiyoh... I'm repeating myself... Zzz... The effect of chronic lack of sleep.



Zzz.

Thursday, March 18, 2010
Child education

I wonder why I'm never in a frenzy to make Isaac learn to read and write; I was never anxious about his speed in learning.



Not when he was a baby; not now... not ever. I believe that all kids have their own pace of learning to live life... to eat solids, to use the cup, to hold their bladder, to write their names. Isaac was never a stressed-out kid who feels pressurized to perform, and I'm proud of that.



I've always told him: it doesn't matter what happens in the end, what matters is that you have tried your best. He remembers, and he tells me that all the time. Just today, I chided myself for failing to play well at Frisbee Golf - Wii sports. And he reminded me that I shouldn't scold myself stupid and that I have tried my best.



I am SO proud of him.



I have always remembered the values that my dearest mother imparted to me when I was young; now, knowing that Isaac would have the same values somehow made me feel that I have given society yet another morally upright and dignified person. Not the most successful, but genuinely dilligent and dedicated to contributing to mankind.



I'm sure some of you may have already heard me say a zillion times... It doesn't matter what Isaac (or Ian - now that I have two kids) choose to do in future, they could become a busker in the MRT tunnel, but they would have to be the happiest ones in the world.



Life is too precious to worry about not being able to pass the exams and get a doctor's licence. I'd rather they do what they like and excel in it.



Am I being too lenient with my children? Maybe. Perhaps I won't have a lawyer son or a banker daughter (not that I have one to begin with), but I would die satisfied knowing that they have and will live fulfilling, contented lives.



Ian is six months and he knows how to take out his dummy, grab my food, call out to his granny when she stops singing to him - is this advanced development for a six month old?



I have no idea and I have no desire to know.



All I know is - I'm enjoying every moment of his development, no matter the speed - and grateful that he's born to me. No comparisons, no boastful-parent-syndromes for me. My children are unique individuals who try their best in all that they do - this - is enough for me.



I'm glad my mother made me out to be who I am now - and I'm certain my children will be too.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Cherish

To cherish someone... is this so difficult?



Apparently so... at least not until you have no more opportunity to do so.



Why do people learn that their loved ones are so important at the point when they no longer can show their appreciation?



Are death and separation the only way to make people realize?



Taking loved ones for granted is just too easy a task to perform. Thinking that they'll always be there for you is even more effortless....



My heart aches for the passing of a friend's father. The harsh reality of losing the one you've loved all your life... the sudden extraction of the one strong pillar of love and support... the one you'd wished you still have the time to give back, to return the love that was given to you without asking for anything in return.



I asked myself, if this was me... if I had someone close taken away from me overnight... without warning... really, I'd never have accepted this...



I hate to admit, but I do take for granted that my parents, my husband, my sons, will always be there... at least not until I die ahead of them...



Not one second in my life did I find time to cherish and celebrate our time together... nor did I tell them how much I appreciate their existence in my life... I'd rather indulge myself in that miserable past and making myself gaunt-looking and absurd.



I have forgotten how I ended up being so trivial and selfish...



I have forgotten to love and appreciate...



I have... in a way... lost the very one thing that make human relationship thrive... the food that feeds love...



To cherish.



She has no more time to tell her father how much she enjoys his company, how happy she is to see him carry her little newborn... how thankful she is to be her daughter...



You still do. Everyone of you. Be thankful the ones you love are still alive, and around you. Be appreciative of what they do, even if it might sometimes seem annoying... because one day, this might not be any longer... and you will regret you did not do enough to tell them you love them...



My friend has had plenty of opportunities to care; she is a good girl... but just not enough... she wanted more time... to give and provide... but it was not meant to be...



Life is so fragile.



Stumbling and falling along the journey of life suddenly seems more bearable...



At least I'm still alive. And I still have people who love me walk with me...



You have them too... walk out of that shadow; life is more than just that stumbling fall...



Life... is a miracle we have to learn to cherish.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Another day of remembrance

And so life goes on...



I'm troubled. Cos the world is so small; singapore is even smaller... How not to bump into people who remind me of bad things?



I told him today that I can't let go... I can't bring myself to remove the pain that comes with the memory. And I'm reminded by something everyday...



Maybe there will come a day when I'll be truly released from the pain... But for now, I'm sort of contented to have the same man who had inflicted the pain lick my wound.



I'm just tired. Of feeling inadequate and ugly. Of feeling betrayed and shortchanged. I need happy things to be around me all the time, so I won't plunge back into the deep deep abyss...



I know I've gone through this motion a zillion times... But seriously... Who cares?



People are hAving their loved ones dying on them, facing multiple problems even more hardy than mine... Who cares how I manage my road to recovery?



They're just interested in the juicy details which everyone hopes to get their ears on... Even though I'm no celebrity... Infidelity is an all time favorite gossip pasttime. Look at what happened to the Jack and Tiger sagas... You think people are genuinely concerned? The one thing that truly matters when this sort of thing happens never fails to be neglected... How to move on from there?



I've got a friend who shared that she have no clue... I seemed well... But not quite. I've seen women who had been through the same things and they look wonderfully blissful... Is this something that will ultimately occur? Or are these women still facing some sort of random relapses of pain and torture?



Is this permanent? This torture?



Two years have passed... I can gladly say that I've a better mind and body... However much scarring has made them stiff... And sometimes the throbbing pain seems more painful than the original wound...



Is this supposed to be so?



Ive got so many questions... But no answers. Perhaps one day, I'll find out and write about it. Then I'll let all the ladies out there who wanna ask the same questions know the answers without waiting agonizingly for them.



I'll write a book... And dedicate it to all the long-suffering women who made it through infidelity and came out stronger, more beautiful and happier. I wanna make sure no one; absolutely no one, would suffer in silence over the shame and guilt that aren't supposed to be.



I want to let women know, that love is not about finding fault; but about finding gratitude.



Now sponsors anyone?

Friday, March 12, 2010

Tiring day... Went all over to get stuff for the clinic... Stuff that I can't get from vendors... Finally I'm done. Almost.



Now it's just waiting for business to pick up, which it already has, in fact. Tomorrow we're having 5 patients for a half day clinic session; followed by the public forum which would bound to create more business opportunities...



These forums are good.



But I wish I could stay out of them... Need my family time... Haven't been spending time with Isaac... And I sort of missed his chatty chatters every Sunday morning at Ikea; where we have our family breakfast... Now it's just Ian and chris on Sundays.. Cos Isaac is with GP and GM.



Chris is down with something, I bet he won't be in the mood to bring him home tomorrow evening, might just as well... I was hoping to check out domestic helpers at some agencies.



I hope this happens soon, cos I kinda really want to see him relieved of some major chores that'll tire him...



For me...? I'll simply enjoy more private moments with my favorite lover!!!




Minus the anger and frustrations.



Sigh.



I wish life would be easier immediately. I'm so exhausted... The mind is finding it difficult to lock the devil out...



And seize opportunity, the devil does.



So now I need to write this down to remind myself... That he is reborn and this new man loves me and no one else... Even though he still ogles at pretty women. Very very often.



Sam, you should be grateful he's doing what he's doing now; all for your sake and no one else.



I need to find a way to cement this thought inside my head; cos seriously, other than the anger; I have nothing to complain about.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Had a very vivid nightmare last night. Was surprised I didn't wake up crying; I was weeping like a baby in my nightmare...



Everytime I hear news of another victim of infidelity, I get this nightmare. It's somewhat, almost always the same... slight variations to the location and people involved, but always end up with me watching them do some stuff together.



Doesn't have to be celebrities... friends, friends of friends, acquaintances, even strangers talking... I feel sad for these women. I just don't understand why these thing happen... do the men involve have any inkling how badly it'll affect their legally-bound spouses? Do the bitches have any heart at all?



And these extra people judging and making comments... sigh. Yes, the mouth is yours and you have your right to make a stand/ take a side/ do whatever.



But please DO do understand that when a marriage goes stale, and the man gets bored... the woman has the right to be informed of this bordom. And if she is unable to/ refuses to relief the bordom, then, is she considered the maker of her own doom.



Fact is... no man would let his woman know of this bordom. It's just an excuse for him to OUTSOURCE love and affection; which many bitches out there are ever willing to give.



Could the wife see it coming? Definitely not. Then how else is it her fault?



If I had been told that I've neglected him and he needed my attention and time... I'd have been willing to make time for him... instead... I was given four walls to stare at everyday while he outsourced happiness. No explanation... except that he needed a life and wanted his freedom.



No, he said, you are doing a great job as a mother to Isaac. We're fine, just talk less to me please, and don't sleep with me in the same bed for a year, please, cos I cannot stand you lying next to me, it makes me miss her more.



Okay, so he didn't SAY those things, he just made it quite clear by his non-verbal cues...



Sigh, the old memories are flooding my brain matter, and I seriously need a break from all the Jack Neo reports.



I've been eating non stop today. Snacks, biscuits, soft drinks, cookies, cakes, pancakes, cereals, nuts, bread, rice... I'm almost exploding already, yet I still feel like stuffing myself silly.



I know its this stupid Jack Neo thing that's bothering me... I know because it reminds me... when I saw Mrs Neo cry and fainted on national TV... I was choked with emotions. I remembered how I felt the world collapsed the very minute revelation was effected. I remembered how badly my heart shrunk for a good two minutes... I think I was blue for that short span, didn't remember breathing...



I remembered... feeling disgusted and irksome... feeling despair and anger all at once.



I remembered his stupid smiling face telling me that it was a misunderstanding.



I remembered him telling me a bunch of lies that he later confessed to.



God, it all seems like it was yesterday....



Mrs Neo, are you sure you cannot live without Jack? Because in love, you need not suffer... because... a serial cheater is a serial cheater... only you know for yourself if he really is... you deserve to be happy... if you think he's not, then go ahead, stand by him, because at the end of the day, the moments he enjoyed with the young and pretty women out there could never be compared to the steadfast love and support you are giving him now.



I hope he will cherish you from now on... I hope he truly sees his folly and your magnanimous love. I hope... sincerely hope... he'll never break your heart again.



It's so painful to be living through this nightmare again and again through other people's lives... when am I going to really learn that i'm okay? That he's okay?



I look weird with this litte appendage on my abdomen... Sigh... must not do this too often, lest it becomes permanent...



SOrry... needed the digression to break out of my super low mood...



Wendy Chong, go have sex with someone your own age and stop pestering this poor family.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What is it with me??????



It's obvious he doesn't want a helper! And I keep thinking he needs one!!!!!



Look at how tired he is when I stop contributing to the chores!!!!



Look at how frequent he blows his top when he is so exhausted!!!!!! And I can't cope with it, chris, I can't!!!!! I'm facing too much stress and I can't cope with your anger!!!!!



I've stopped waking up at 4 to prepare breakfast and doing the chores because I want to show you the need for a helper... Instead you took over and made yourself tired!!!!! Oh my god I feel like screaming till I go dumb!!!!!



Why is it that we have to go thru the same argument till I'm made bonkers?!?!?!



Why can we just sit down and negotiate till a solution or compromise occurs?!?!?'



I don't and never liked procrastination!!!!! In fact I hate this word!!!!! I'm dying here anyone understands my dilemma here?!,!,?



I want a solution!!!!! But I can't do this without you!!!!!



Fuck!

Monday, March 8, 2010
News like this disgust me!

Jack neo and gang really disgust me. I mean go ahead, wash dirty linen in public; I do that all the time. Point is, why do all men stray???



Is there not one man in this world who'd stay devoted and monogamous? And these mistresses have the cheek to come forth and
do a tell-all?!?! Ridiculous!



Just like the mistress in my life story... She had the cheek to tell her boss she had an affair with a married colleague... To gain sympathy and help?! When I heard from her boss that she did that, I was appalled. I was even more appalled when her boss sided her. Then I realized that, for one, she might have been painting a nice victim picture of herself... And for two, her boss is sick in the mind. Hello, a third party, knowing full well that the guy she's sleeping with is married with a kid, knows exactly what kinda shit she's getting herself into! How victimized could she be?!



Anyway, I'll never forget the night her boss called me in the middle of the night to warn me not to tell my husband that she knows about the affair. I was wondering if she was using her authority to force me to forgive that mistress in question... Which I strongly think so...



I wish them all well... People who thinks the Mrs is nothing but a stupid fool who always forgive people who betray them... One day, it'll happen to them, or their loved ones... Wait till this day happens... And then you tell me if I should forgive that bitch.



She can die a zillion times; forgive me God, and it won't be sufficient to appease my anger. Yes anger. The anger that was born out of this episode and didn't go away ever since.



I wish I can curse her everyday, in her face. I wish she'd also go on papers like this Wendy Chong and gets cursed at by total strangers...



I wish... She'd never find happiness her whole life, and the next, and the next until the world cease to exist. I know this might just be possible... But I'll not live to see it.



Wendy Chong is such a slut... Just like every one else who sleeps with married men. I really question their intentions for doing so... Don't tell me it's love. PLEASE! Spare me the mushy bit!



It's never about love. It's money, thrill and downright bordom.



Fuck third parties!



Pardon my French.

Sunday, March 7, 2010
Thanks for all your concern

The past weeks have been trying for me...



The stresses of life is getting to me... and this might hopefully be the only reason for my constant picking on him.



I didn't think I was though, I thought I was just expressing my views so I don't bottle everything inside... it was what he told me to do.




Finally, after all that has been said and done... a human is still a human... his priority came first, his pride came first... just like mine.



Would there be anyone who'd do that all the time; put the loved ones in first priority above his/her own needs?



I believe that people do... just not consistently.



And when there're inconsistencies... the standard is not maintained... and cracks result.



I was so disillusioned... so deprived of hope... that this would be a permanent status.



Do I compare him with the Chris of the past? I don't deny that; its hard not to. I still bear the scar and pain afterall.



Isn't this unfair for him? Agree; then again, was I even fairly treated?



All that I ask of him; is time for me - and this divides into:

  1. getting a helper (so we can have more time for ourselves)
  2. less gaming/gadgets (so we can spend more time together)
  3. help with my work (so I can get it done soon and then we can spend time together)
  4. control his anger (so that we won't waste precious time sulking alone - thus more TIME)


Which part of asking a lot is this? When the ultimate message is MORE TIME FOR ME?



I'll never get this... cos this is one issue that has been present in the past present and inevitably the future.



I really have to simply shut up and learn to live with it... and as I do... the love would ultimately fade... then... I really don't know what to do anymore.



I ask more and more of him... and what improved amount of quality time he gave me, I simply request for more... it's really impossible to say no to more couple time isn't it? But he'd get tired of satisfying this primary need. Its a bottomless pit.



Which is why... I'm going to scrape this need altogether.



Scrape scrape. GOne with the needy arse of a damsel.



If this works... without jeopardizing our love for each other... I'll be contented.



I just want him to be happy...



While pursuing my needs...



I forgot that his exists.



Don't compare him with his past, Sam... just see him as he is now... reboot, reconfigured, reborn.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Stone cold.

This is the second time in my life I felt so alone and abandoned. Okay, maybe third, if you consider the time when my dad accused me of finishing up the dinner and not leaving food for Grandpa (I didn't. The food was covered elsewhere and Dad didn't see it).



The second time was when I saw the message that revealed the truth to me.



Today... I felt it. Twice.



So do I count it as four times or what?



I will never, ever have the feel of a gentleman treating me kindly and caressing my hair as if I'm his world. Instead, I'm stuck with a callous man who stares at me crying, stick a tissue at my face roughly, and punch tissue at the tears rolling down my stupid face... when I was overwhelmed with the crappy world of responsibilities. No tolerance was offered to me, I wasn't given the opportunity to even fret and get angry with this freaking world. I was simply demanded to act normal and freaking stop whining and go home on time.



I was supposed to juggle endless tasks with having to reply smses and phone calls, and reminder calls and notfication calls to alert my family that I'm so free to do these stuff.



I didn't even have the chance to pee, poop or eat the whole freaking day, yet the first person I wish would understand, didn't.



He assumed I could choose what I do and yet complete my tasks like a breeze. He assumed I wouldn't panick when I knew it was time for home yet I couldn't have access to the phone to contact him. He assumed I'm a tough cookie who could take rude shouts and insensitive responses after the overwhelming day ends.



I'm cracking, not because I'm crazy, but because sometimes, I wonder if all was worth my effort. If I deserve something better, why wasn't it given to me in the first place, God?



All I can gather is... I don't. I don't deserve shit. Yet I get crap.



All I ask is for someone to give me the time and comfort I yearn after a stressful day, but I come home to a man in front of the lappy surfing for application downloads/ doing housework. Is this what is? Chores chores and more chores? Irregardless whether its done by whoever?



If it isn't chores, I know deep down its going to be gadgets and games and more gadgets. It'll never be me. I could say this one million times and it still will not be my turn to shine in his eyes.



Instead, I get rude stares, irritated responses, stone cold treatment.



And so I've decided. I will wall myself up from now. THe wall is a good thing. I would prevent myself from further hurt, and I couldn't see what's beyond. Not seeing is disbelieving. I'd rather pretend to exist than really exist and hurt.



I know I'm going to collapse one day. Maybe I already have. Looking for another is not an option, so that leaves the choice of rotting behind the wall.



Even if this time, the gentle tries to get in, it'll never be. The wall is built. And it'll be here to stay. I'm officially giving up. God, You can take me anytime. Life hasn't been kind to this wretched soul and this wretched soul is calling it quits. I have no further wish to associate myself with any human emotionally, not even my own flesh and blood, because they only show me how much I've missed.



I wish I would disappear. Maybe not even one would notice; other than the one who needs me around to trample on.



Before I go... can someone tell me how it feels like to have someone kiss your tears away? I've always thought this was very sweet... maybe by hearing your story... I could conjure one of my own...



.... in my next wretched life.

Monday, March 1, 2010
Of life, the mid-point, and getting there.

Chris is frustrated as I'm typing.



He's trying to configure our newly-bought iPhone and is experiencing some technical difficulties.



He's looking darn pissed and I dare not even ask.



Eventually Cougar Town on channel 5 saved the day.



Boobies alway... ALWAYS cheer men up.



LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!



My work was extremely hectic as usual. What's new?



I've got new colleagues in to work alongside me from today@@



I'm so glad Tha Zin is on board now. She's such a great help!



Now its all logistics and more logistics to clear and we're good to go. And the ISO audit is Wednesday. We will definitely pass.



I know I love my job when it feels like a blinking of an eye for 8 hours to pass.



And its happening everyday... I blink 28 times and I have my first paycheck from SMG. ROFL.



Digressing a little....



Chris has decided to give the helper a try (finally) after days of extreme tension between the two of us. I was a little hurt when he told me 'what if I insist on not getting a helper' - Totally wasting my time and saliva spent persuading. There was no room for negotiation all along. Then when I decided to shut down and wall myself up - he told me we'd look for agencies to check out the going rates for helpers.



I seriously think we have poor communication - better but still poor. Hopefully we'd improve over trial and errors like this.



(and not break up (**)||)



I applaud him for his understanding; yet beseech that he really sees my point and not do things because I want it that way. Otherwise... he's going to be a timebomb ready to explode any day from now... I can totally get that kinda feeling... helpless and deprived of an opinion.



Sigh.



The thing with marriage is... identifying the mid-point to meet and agree upon... is so tough. SO so tough.



Unless both parties really want it to work... either one would throw in the towel and give up.



I guess both of us have been through the "towel throwing mode" and are desperate to make this work... which explains the reason why we are still together (and searching for the mid-point).



I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he's really meeting me at mid-point and not stopping short of his comfort zone... Please tell me if it really is, dearie... because I'm not pushing it if you are... I'll just walk closer to find your comfort zone... only if the terms include negotiation.



We'll get through this like the rest of our challenges right?



We will.