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My Tw|t Garden
Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Inner peace.




That's liberating.




How not to be affected by what's happened to our physical body and instead, focus on what's to be kept intact within.




Have you found yours?




Then again, it takes a lot of effort to maintain that inner peace consistently.




All it takes is just one second away from focus - and you get stumped.




This is how tough God has made attaining contentment to be.




Have I found mine?




I'm sure I have.




I'm sure you have too.




It's just a matter of keeping the concentration going no matter what.




There are just too many things in this world that tempt us away from inner peace...




Sloth, greed, wrath, lust, the whole works.




Inner peace.




The epitome of all things good.




Damn, I wish I could maneuver a water droplet like them.




:)

Sunday, May 29, 2011

I broke down crying in front of the poor boy just now.




I was really at the bottle neck already.




I didn't know what else I could do to make my poor boy sleep well again.




Isaac has been having night screaming episodes since three weeks ago.




At first I attributed it to his seeking of attention and demanded that he stop telling me about being afraid.




Then I realized he was really frightened every time he says so thus I decided to investigate the "nightmare" he's so frightened of.




He told me that there's this wolf in his dream that told lies. And when the monster in the sky found out, he was so angry that "everything break". His everything includes bridges, buildings - it's practically an apocalypse.




He said that he was not afraid of the wolf.




He was extremely terrified of the monster in the sky and the part where "everything breaks".




I tried to interpret his dream, I Geordies the wolf was him, and he was afraid of being found out about telling lies cos it meant that the world will come to an end when the monster finds out.




The monster could be his daddy, me, or anyone of his teachers in school, I'm not sure.




No matter how much I try, he is still frightened even though he tells me that he knows the dream is not real.




I am already weeks into my sleepless nights. With Isabelle feeding two to three hourly, and Isaac's night wake almost every hour until dawn, not to mention Ian's crying for no reason other than the suspicion that he's breathless due to wheezing...




I'm already feeling myself going downhill in the sanity sector of my brain.




Chris does help, but there's only this much he could do - he still needs his sleep so he could go to work alert.




No one says that parenthood is easy.




No one told me that it'll be THIS tough either!




I need to find a way to solve Isaac's psychological trauma.




Every night he reminds me of how much he went through with me when he was a baby.




And how much I owed him.




But I'm really clueless...




How do I get him out of the psychological pain?




How?




Sigh.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

I never knew buying a house could be this mentally stressful.




I've only been that dead set on moving; I forgotten to think about where the heck we should go.




First, there's the issue of school.




Our kids would need a convenient neighborhood school to study in - prestige is secondary.




Then there's amenities, accessibility, facilities and so many more issues to consider before we could commit ourselves into the buy.




And truth be told, I'd much rather stay far far far away from you-know-who but alas, it seems I'd forever be bound by the ghost of past misery.




Yet I'm determined not to be haunted by it, even if it so set it's mind on binding to my arse.




I'm walking out of it's shadow, slowly but gradually. A set of Mickey and Minnie are seated on top of my TV console, staring at me daily... The bed was shifted back to the dreaded position in the bedroom and I appear to be coping - not unaffected, but coping fairly well enough... We're set to move to the east of Singapore (so near to Bedok) and yet I don't think it's THAT big an issue...




Perhaps the wound has really healed this time. The scar really throbs painfully at times; yet I felt more thankful for the future than make myself dwell on what has transpired.




Our future. Together.




Who cares if we'd be on the same EW line on the MRT?




We have a beautiful future to work on - too busy to care about other mediocre people.




I just wished someone could've pat me on my back and tell me that I've done a good job fixing my life; the crooked, torn and tattered life has now begin to straighten out. Finally.




And he has given, or is going to give, me a place to commemorate that. A place I could finally call a home.




Our home.




:)