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My Tw|t Garden
Thursday, June 28, 2012

Belle is in my arms again. Heavily asleep.




My arms are aching. Lots.




Why do I not let go of the burden that causes me such pain?




Because I know; that if I do, she'd hurt herself. And she is just as helpless as I am.




Being with Belle this one week has taught me many.




Why people love they way they do, why mothers never see their sacrifices as, well, sacrifices.




I don't even think about the future where my kids are expected to return all the love I showered on them.




Not less now, never I think.




Because I'm a willing party.




I have a responsibility to provide, irregardless.




I just wish sometimes, that someone would say that to me.




That he'd provided for me, shelter me during a thunder storm, be my hero and save me when I'm in trouble.




Yes I can managed to save my own ass time and again, that doesn't mean I don't dream of someone doing that for me.




It's a curse to be wise.




Especially when you purposely put it on display.





This part, I've failed miserably.




Where did my wisdom go?




Damn.




Upset.





Max.


I finally understand the logic of love.




It dawned on me when I was feeding Isabelle alphabet biscuits.





There were bits of cute little heart shaped biscuits amongst the numerous alphabets, and I found them beautiful.




I was hoping to accidentally fish for some of the <3 to eat and I did; once or twice.




Excited at this extreme luck, I secretly wished for myself to pick up more of the little hearts.




They eventually ran out.




What's left are the alphabets among the vast ordinary.




Then I realized; that even though love is free, it'll still run out if we don't top up.




You take, and you don't replace it with lots of other love, one day you'll wake up and find that there is no more love in your basket.




Is this what happened?




I think so.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Despair.




Plain that.




It's weird how the heart is crying all the time, 24-7, yet the eyes are dry.




I've the most challenging life led ever, in my context.




So challenging, even a fighter like me wants to call it quits multiple times.




What can I do if I can't?




Then I fight.




I fight and fight somemore.




And I fight until I'm drenched in scars, wounds and blood.




And I continue.




Quite lame I must say.




There must be a way out of this hell hole.




I knew it yet I can't help feeling despair.




Because I know now, that if the other doesn't wanna do nothing, then everything I do would come to naught.




So much for being the first to take action.




Lame.




To the max.


I'm with a sleeping Belle, handful of stuff I bought for the house and nursing a sore back from heavy loads.




Then it dawned on me that my heart is sore and tired too.




From all the heavy loads and burden that I carry.




The responsibilities that I made myself take on, the responsibilities that others wouldn't take on, they're simply too much for me to bear at times.




But when you're left with nothing at all, nothing to lose but everything to gain, strength eludes you and there comes a mundane unnatural force that drives you.




I do not know what that's called.




But I sure am not strong enough for all these.




I'm just living life as it is given to me in my face.




Mundane, truckload full of some energy, I cannot fathom.




If I have known all along where my on/off switch is, I'd have turned it off within a split second.




But because I'm clueless, and I cannot stop going, I carried on.




Until someone stops me eventually.




Yes, many speak of strength.




I'm quite certain mine's not.




Just like my little Belle asleep in my arms, with a baggage of stuff and a bagful of Belle's survival needs.




It's not strength that I have that I could carry these.




It's sheer "I have no choice other than this" kind of energy.




Get it?




I got it.




I'm grateful I still have this energy within me, whatever it is.




Because I need anything, anything at all to keep me going - I can't stop now.




The rainbow will come.




Or not.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Something is very wrong with me but I like it somehow.




My appetite is back to the days where I couldn't even tolerate a bowl of soup.




But cravings for junk - endless.




I just tried to force feed myself a small bowl of porridge (to prevent food wastage) and it made me nauseous and sick.




I hope I can lose like 5kgs this time.




Hurhurhur....




You win some, you lose some I guess.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Sadness everyday.




I wonder if people really die of heartache.




I must have really done much evil in my past life to be going through all these.




In fact, I think I am the epitome of evil. Even now.




The heart's throbbing but lifeless.




The body's moving but soulless.




The eyes are looking but blind.




All that exist are for one and only one purpose.




To redeem thyself.




And hopefully, when the day comes, the sad, soulless blind object could say goodbye in confidence.




That the little ones would start happy chapters of their own, without sorrow.




Upsets and challenges in life are unavoidable; sorrow, on the other hand - is plain torture.




I'm redeeming myself in a way He would approve.




Silence and good karma.




Knowledge should not be boasted.




Nor should wisdom.




I am going to do this. I will.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

It is a big revelation.




Or rather, I have finally come to terms with reality.




This world. Knows nothing but pain and sorrows, all because human refuses to work hard for happiness and bliss.




Human thinks that the latter is guaranteed, an entitlement. Sadly, they're not.




We have to work our asses off to get there. Somehow, not everyone gets that.




I do. I need to get there. But maybe not with my current company.




Working hard seems to be a major issue here. It's either a delusional perception of working hard, or a self hypnotic distorted lazy bum pretending to be hardworking.




Either way, it's just me putting words into others mouth. I'm all used to this accusation.




The ring's off, connections cut.




What saddens me is what would be the aftermath.




The 3 little innocent mistakes I've helped create.




You have given me enough guidance. I finally know what You have always meant.




From the first sign You gave me till now, I've been denying the real meaning behind Your intention.




I finally woke up today.




Should I even go back there and listen to why I wasn't saved by my knight in shining armor when I was dying? Or listen to some other lame excuses cooked up to justify an inappropriate action?




It's a chicken and egg issue here.




Or rather, it's an issue that a battered wife always battles with.




I'm much luckier.




You've given me enough enlightenment. I'm sorry I've failed to heed Your advice earlier.




It's a punishment. My three little mistakes.




The guilt I have to carry for the rest of my breathing life.




This is even more painful than betrayal.




And now I've becomed the guilty one myself.




I know You will continue to guide me, and I hope from now on, I will not doubt Your guidance even if it seems unbecoming of You to even suggest.




A person who lets another' heart break time and again, who doesn't flinch at her sorrowful tears, who time and again abandons her when she most needs him - does not deserve her.




Even if it is because of a sad tragic childhood.




Even if it's because she's an asshole.




Even if she does not deserve love.




A normal, warmhearted soul would definitely pick her up when she falls and give her a bandaid.




This time I'm really really done.




Mixed feelings but really done.




Last night sort of sealed it.




And this morning, it was made invisible.




Gone, never to be retrieved ever.




RIP.

Friday, June 15, 2012

No more tears.





Just like the tag on J&J baby shampoo.




The fluid that comes out from my soul's window are seemingly something quite automatic. Nothing alarming.




All the flowers and beds of roses are nothing but mirages I've made up to feel good. In the end, I am devastated by the dream I've cooked up.




One day, I will have to stop my denials and live up to what is real.




For now, I'm stuck between awakening and delirium, where I still believed it'll be happily ever after.




The time I spend awake is more frequent now... The time the pain seems almost suffocating, excruciatingly heart wrenching.




My dreams are less vivid, less believable now. And I could actively jolt myself awake with a heavy slap on the cheek. Conveniently easy.




Which means, if anyone is still following, my stage of acceptance is arriving.




When it comes, I have no idea what is going to happen.




All I know is, it may be good to dream a little longer.



Because, while it lasts, the good times are promising.




And, while it lasts, I've failed to scrutinize how much beatings I had to take to wake me up.




I'm a person who hates to fail. And failed once I had. Guess what, I think with practice, I just might get used to failure.




I'm such a failing dope.




FML.