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My Tw|t Garden
Thursday, April 29, 2010

Maricel seems to be adjusting quite well. Very bright young lass who happen to cook well... At least it's to our liking.



The only problem was our dear Isaac, who had bailed on us last minute and decided that he isn't going to make a friend out of aunt maricel...



Ian, on the contrary, adapted quite well to having her around. He was all smiles at her by day two. He's gonna start infantcare next week, and it's good to know that he is more adaptive to changes than his shy big brother.



It's our wedding anniversary today. A day I don't really wanna remember; or rather, I'd prefer to create a new wedding anniversary day... He was already shouting at me and treating me with disrespect moments before our solemnisation years ago.



Then, my mother was already adding salt to the wound by asking me: " this is the man you're marrying?! Are you sure?"



Now she is still adding salt... Only more resigned to the fate that I was meant to suffer...



I'm digressing...



He's real sweet now. Even though the temper is still terrible (or worse)... He's really, really sweet.



I hope he'd create a new anniversary date soon... A day that is only filled with sweet memories, no pain, no tears.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Okay, so I'm still the anxious parent after so many years. But it's all because he's precious to me. Isn't he, to you?



Maybe I'm getting the wrong vibe from you. Maybe you're just tired. Maybe too pissed at my parents for interfering the wrong way...



I still got sad because you didn't sound like you cared.



Like this triggered the night few years ago when you chided me for being a worrywart and went on to join your 'friendS' for a three day two nights chalet. With baby Isaac having the first fever of his life.



You can't afford mistakes like this... Mistakes that make me remember... Mistakes that dig up past pains that I'm fighting to heal... Yes, i can totally hear you say: " nothing I do is right", but Please understand how difficult it is for me to fight this freaking tendency to swing back to the past... I need your help, and nothing personal really.



I can imagine going home to a expressionless man, who couldn't wait for me to get out of his sight. I hate this part right here.



I hate it.



I know you are different now, but why does it not feel like it is sometimes?



LOFC

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Maricel is joining our family this coming Saturday! Isaac is so excited. I've prepared a welcome gift for her and I'm going to get Isaac to help wrap the gift tonight!



I had been preparing Isaac for her arrival since the day we've picked her. He's seen her photo, liked get smile and clothes, even told me he wanted his mattress and hers to 'join' together - in his own words - 'no need to leave a gap in between'.



I guess it's nice to have someone else to listen to him talk other than two parents who are always preoccupied with daily stressors lolz.



I hope she would be nice too... And not give us too much trouble like what many detractors of "getting helpers" are saying...



I hope she won't miss her children too much... Poor girl - two kids around my sons' age group.



I hope chris would take the infringement of privacy gracefully...



Sigh. So many things to worry about. When are we going to quit worrying and enjoy coupledom?

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Sigh. Had just written the longest entry in my secret sojourn.



Couldn't share it with all, but still felt like sharing at least something to make myself feel better; knowing that others know.



I guess that particular entry reflected my mood for the past month. The mode I was in was literally 'black & white' - the past.



Not that I wanted; but things simply happened.



I know its wrong to pinpoint someone using his past mistakes, so I'm not going to do that and risk his reputation.



But how do I tell him the intensity of my pain - as it still lives within?



I know why he couldn't afford any mistakes now - because I felt I had been wronged and I deserve everything right now.



But he's human afterall - and he's trying; I know that too.



It simply angers me that I just couldn't be the person I wanted to be - magnanimous, loving free soul who'll give without asking for anything in return.



I still blame him. I know now. Refused to admit but I still do.



I told him the other day we talked. And even thereafter - I still blame him.



I might even be doing that for the rest of my life... and I don't really want that.



It hurts to be living in hatred...



when all you want... is to love him.

Monday, April 19, 2010

I'm not the only sad, pathetic being around. And most times, I forget this point. Darkness would always pass, pain would eventually subside. What's left after that, are what really matters. I hope I would look beyond that. I hope I'd never forget this... Because... I don't know if you've even been into the dark side... But it's scary when you're there...



Everything simply seems hopeless... sad and painful... Everything seems... to be ending. There is no happiness, no laughter, not even a single human touch could've entered to redeem your soul...



If you would just read what I wrote when I'm down in the dungeon... You'd catch a glimpse of what was.



It's insane, totally. I know. But this is what happens in my state of mind. I hope when I'm done with this life, someone somehow would be able to benefit from my writings... Maybe even as I write... Someone would somehow realize that he/she is not alone. That people do climb out from dungeons like these. That all is not lost.



Yes, you do climb out and fall back in several times thereafter, but at least... all is not lost.



We may be broken, dear friend... But definitely not beaten.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Weekend was almost perfect. Until this afternoon... Why did I have to feel that way?



But if it were the other way around, I would've be more worried than reprimanding... I would've told him to be more careful cos I won't wanna lose him... I would've... But it's just me, not him. Things I would like him to do unto me might not eat well with him... And so the story goes.



This vicious cycle keeps reenacting over and over again. He scolds me, I get tender and sensitive, I start to hole up, he pesters me for a reason, I tell him, he gets upset that he never does things right, he holes up, I end up crying.



Like I said a million time, I'm different now. I'll never be normal ever. I'm broken, do you want this broken piece of crap? I may be testing your patience all the time for the rest of your life, are you up for it?



If not, please end it here. Don't give me false hopes that I'll have you to help me get through life unscathed.



I'm so tired of being broken. I hate to be crying at nothing.



I hate to be acting all okay and happy in front of people...



I'd rather be in a cold, dark room alone, where the darkness wouldn't laugh at my failure.



I'm broken. Very broken.

Friday, April 16, 2010

I wonder... If I should ask him.



Sounds like a really bad idea but well, I know myself, always looking for trouble when trouble is not a-looking for me...



Ian has been babbling a lot recently, just today, he managed to successfully babble both "mama" & "papa"!!



It's just fluke, but pleasant to the ears; nonetheless.



Isaac's been pretty banged up recently, probably due to his throat... Watching him bond with his father made me remember again and again how far his daddy has come along... Since the days of nochalance. And the little one simply adores him. Eyeing him everywhere he roams in the house!



Me? Well I'm still stuck between the past and future, undecided which direction to head even though it's quite very clear where I should go.



Had spent a long hard night thinking and reflecting on my life with him(to date), and we got into a discussion the next morning about our relationship and where it's heading. I hope he truly understands what I'm driving at, so far, no actions taken... Sigh. Do I want closure? Definitely. And he's gotta give me one eventually.



Not holding my hopes high really. He's a rather persistent procrastinator....

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Dear Sir

My name is Samantha Teo, and my purpose in writing to you is to seek your help regarding parking issues.

I am residing at Compassvale Bow, block 264D. Every morning, my husband would take the car from the car park at block 264A and park it at the loading/unloading bay for a quick ten/fifteen minutes so he could come up the house to help me carry our two sleeping children (one 4 years old, one 7 months old) to the car. We have to send them to childcare before going to work, thus this usually happens quite early in the morning (between 6.30 to 7am). We have many residents doing the same routine as us at our block, so many a times we find the loading/unloading bay full. When this happens, residents; including my husband would park at the service road next to our block (where the rubbish chute is located).


We had no other options as carrying our two sleeping children to the car park (more than ten metres of walking) would be tedious and would wake the children up (we wanted to give them a little more sleep time). It has been uneventful for the past four years until this morning, when my husband and I were surprised with a parking ticket, for parking at the service road (this was one of the days where the loading/unloading bay was already full). The car was there for less than ten minutes, and we left immediately after packing the kids into the car.


We are extremely upset because I reckon the officers would be tolerant of a ten minutes block of road space, to allow parents to 'load' their kids into cars. Instead, we were 'slapped' with a fine of $100 for trying to answer the government's calling - to propagate - because even though its tough sending children to childcare centres in the wee hours of the morning; we find ways to cope and make our children as comfortable as possible (wake up later, walk less).


I beg you to see into this matter, and if need be, I'd dare to beseech you to help us annul the parking ticket, for we felt wronged by the reporting officer for reporting an offence that we do not think is true. Please, for a hundred dollars, I could've bought more books to educate my children, so that they grow up to be compassionate future leaders of Singapore; like yourself, Sir.


Below are details of our parking ticket and address:


Notice number: xxxxx
Vehicle number: xxxxxx
Date and time of offence: 15/04/2010 @ 0654hrs
Place of offence: service road next to block 264D Compassvale Bow
Reporting officer: Said Muhammed Bin Said A.

Vehicle registered owner: xxxxx
I/C number: xxxxxx
Address: xxxxx

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Wonder how long this would last. Him being exceptionally cheerful. I bet he wonders the same... Me being exceptionally accomodating...



Chin's right, the root cause hasn't been uprooted. It's just an icing glazed over so we could forget about the burnt cake... In the end, the cake resurfaces once we relish all of the icing and there it is...



What is the root cause?



Is it me?



Maybe. I doubt myself a lot nowadays... The low self esteem is killing me.

Monday, April 12, 2010

He came looking for me at my work place with a bento of my favourite
sushi. He reminds me yet again how much he has changed... The old him
would never have bothered.


And I'll be stupid not to stay and wait for more pleasant changes in
him. How many men would and could change for their women?

Maybe one day... I'll be calling myself stupid for not leaving... But
for now, I'll be an asshole if I really left.

Sigh, men can really do stuffs to make women weak in the mind.

Sent from my iPhone


Sunday, April 11, 2010

It hasn't really been a good two weeks...


Many things have been reminding me of my downfall and the demise of the old Sam. I wonder if you've had enough of reading about my roller coaster moods and writings... I'm starting to get rather sick and irritated with myself.



Why can't I just live and let live? Why can't I?




I told him to bear with me for a while, be patient while I try to douse the dampened mood with fire... He didn't give me the answer I wanted to hear... Instead, he gave me what I needed to know - that it's not just me in this universe who needs support in my lowish stage of life... That he too, needs some encouragement sometimes.



I was initially upset. That I didn't get words of love and affirmation; then I realize, that there really is a limit as to how much nonsense a man could take. Too much of bumming him off and too many crying spates might simply kill the passion. So who should I look for to regain my strength?



Why do I get lost so often? Why does the faith in me sway ever so frequently?



Do I believe? I do... It's just sometimes, I don't think I have enough of strength left to fight for what I believe in.



Watching THE LEGION last night made me think a bit.



I know God would never have lost faith in mankind, what happened in the show, I believe is God's way of ridding evil, of rebooting, of starting all over.



A baby gives new blood, new life. True the ridding process might not be too beautiful; it's nasty, but it did make an impact to those who'd survived didn't it?



My baby should have given me new blood. The fact that I brought it to this world proves life has changed, my future is re-written. There is no way I'm going back to the time of pain and sorrows. There is no way I'm going to create another life of pain and sorrows.



I must step out of this mode! Two weeks is really too long.



Must keep the faith. I must.



But can I cry one last time before I do?

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Poor Isaac is really terrified of me... I could instill fear in him with just one stern stare.. He gets all insecure and whiny after that. All the time.



The poor chap dare not even cry out loud after my stare. He has been warned of consequences multiple times. So he stifles his cries with whimpers and coughs. Yes, coughs. OMFG it irritates the hell outta me; those coughing sounds.



But on hindsight, I should be glad he's not that kind of kid who screams and shouts and throws massive tantrums. Well at least not at me; to his grandparents exclusively. Sigh. The pampered grandson...



The poor boy was whining for a hug after my vicious stare; he was being difficult and argumentative.



Sometimes I wonder if all these stares are as evil as corporal punishment; he seems genuinely petrified. I guess when the person you love suddenly gives you the cold shoulder, you'd feel the same... The feeling of impending abandonment and removal of love.



What else could've been done then; to tame a four year old without hurting him both physically and emotionally?



Alas, it all boils down to keeping the equilibrim. Of love, affection and discipline. I think the affection portion was not very generously given these days... He seems deprived of it.



Must make a mental note to take care of that 'department'. The poor boy deserves it.



Then there's the littlest one... He's been keeping me awake for almost two weeks now... The nights are terribly agonizing and tiring... I hope his teeth sprout out soon... He needs his sleep otherwise he'll lose weight soon...



Oh yes, (no I did not forget the eldest man) he's way too exhausted as well. Dropping off to sleep as soon as we get home, finished dinner...



Is still asleep as I am writing.



I have absolutely no energy left to take care of his finer needs like massages and facials... What is freaking wrong with my deteriorating stamina... I used to do without sleep for days stretching up to one full week... Now I can't even withstand one night...



Maybe red bull could help...



I heard it gives you wings... ROFL

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Spending a nice quiet Sunday afternoon with chris and the younger son. At home. I wish I could say I love my home as much as I love the boys... But alas! I hate it. As much as I hate rude aunties who cut queues.



I'm so looking forward to moving come year end. When we get our ideal flat in the most ideal location for us. I just wanna get out of this godforsaken place where memories hurt and suck the life out of me all the time.



I wanna imagine starting all over with the man I love, with the world's most adorable pair of sons anyone could have... And of cos, with the best helper an employer would dream of. Gotta work hard at our lives... Cos you don't get nothing if you don't work hard.



I'm so glad I still have him around to take care of me and love me. Even though we squabble all the time and hate each others gut so much... Even though he reminds me of bad stuffs...



He is still the one I miss everyday when I'm at work... He is still the man I hope to see when I wake up in the morning... He will forever be the one I pine for, even though I dream about other men sometimes... ROFL!!!!



He has given me so much, and doesn't mind that I'm asking for more... I should learn contentment, and not just speak of it. Sigh.



Would I ever be contented?

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Procedure at 8am, that's why I already work bound at this hour. I think I fell asleep last night amidst a discussion with chris about love.



Sometimes I wonder if he loves me... Or he loves himself more. I know he feels sad when I say things like this, but I really wonder and somehow needed to hear from him. Nevertheless, I don't think he'd know the answer... Even I am stumped by it. Do I love him or myself more? If I love him more, why is it that I feel hurt and demands things from him when it's beyond his comprehension and sense to do so?



He is afterall a man. A man who is used to an individualistic life of normality. A man who chose to give up this individualistic life for a life less exciting and more emotionally challenging.



But I have needs, and I have to admit, the need for these needs to be fulfilled has heightened because of what had transpired... And the sense of it all dawned on me bit by bit... That I am afterall...



Just a woman.

Thursday, April 1, 2010
Stupid blog

I wonder what's wrong with me these days...


Seriously, I need to reboot my brain system so I can clear my head of food.



Let me explain... I think I'm trying to gorge myself silly. With snacks. It's like... The last bid for redemption, the final hour for eating. Come tomorrow... I'm so going to starve.



I actually finished the whole pot of dessert I've made cos he fell asleep on the sofa. Knew he's not going to wake up again and the food would go to waste..



Not to mention the five table spoons of rice with meat...



I'm so bloated now... This would never have happened if I were of sound mind. Cos I know it'd take another two days before I could get rid of the extra pound this evening's food is gonna pile on me.



Maybe I should consider a muffler or something... Is it called a muffler? The one that you put on dogs to prevent them from biting? Enlighten me, please do.



My eyelids can't stay open as I'm typing...



Crap, we can be so tired these days! Both of us are always taking turns to doze off on the sofa!



太累了!



Bringing Isaac and Ian to ikea tomorrow morning! It's been a while since the boys went out as a complete family with us, the parents...



Hope all three boys sleep well tonight so none would be grouchy tomorrow morning!@@



On a different note... My thighs are gigantic!



ROFL