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Casino Spiele

My Tw|t Garden
Friday, January 29, 2010
What the heart tells me the mind doesn't

Had wanted a relaxing and fun week with Chris, but we ended up stressed over lotsa things including buying clothes for the children, lack of energy, slow, dim-witted drivers on the road, etc, etc.

Still, it was good fun most of the times, and knowing out little squabbles always end up well tells me how much our relationship has changed for the better.

My therapist tells me I should not increase my expectations of him simply because he's changed for the better; Man is a greedy being. I should curb this urge to demand more of him.

I told him that I feel miserable all this time, and he was surprised; thinking that all is well in my diseased mind. Truth is, for the past two years I've been secretly nursing the hurt and pain that seems determined to stay permanent resident inside of me.

I didn't want to tell him, but his getting the backlash of my misery is simply too much, too unfair. I didn't know what else to do...

God's gift to me - determination. And I'm making sure I use it in this marriage. I don't want to try. I want to succeed. As of now, stat, I'm going to clear my mind of rubbish. Stop looking at rubbish. And stop listening to rubbish. No trying. Only doing.

... But why do I feel so uncertain?


Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Throwing stones haphazardly...

I wonder if this is going to be the last time for me to do such stunts.

Sometimes, my mind simply clouds up too much to move forward, leaving me in a stranded situation - I could neither run nor hide.

Times like this seems to come rather frequently these days, and therapy made it stark obvious. Still, it felt good while it lasted... I meant the 'stone throwing' incident.

It might not even matter for the party concerned, but it meant something for me. That I'll forever be stagnant and stranded in the dead sea unless I CHOOSE to move my freaking butt!

CHOICE - its a big word for me... means I'll have to take responsibility for what happens next. And I still couldn't find the lost confidence to pick up the pieces and look forward all the time...

Most times... I do... but there are just some occasions that utterly made me turn back to look... self-inflicted pain - my therapist calls it.

One day, I'm going to kill myself if I'm not careful - and I'll have no one to blame - not even her.

No one says its gonna be easy - this healing...

But its getting to be quite unbearable for me.

Its a fortuitous thing that I got the men in my life to pull me through - my sons, and the man who incidentally got me into this situation in the first place.

Sometimes I wonder if he's just returning the debt he owes me... yet most times, I simply feel that he's the best I'd ever get in this lifetime.

Am I ever, ever going to end this internal turmoil?

Choose wisely, Sam, for when the going gets tough... you've gotta be tough to get going.

Monday, January 25, 2010

the size of cars, are being unloaded off my chest tonight.


that mattered to no one else but me, are being spoken in the form of writing tonight.


that makes me eat my own brain matter, are released in a single paragraph tonight.

All for the eyes of the beholder and only the target audience is able to decipher.

Not proud of what I did, but glad I did it anyway.

The weight was simply too much to bear... and I had to throw it back at her.

Friday, January 8, 2010
Brief update

Busy Busy Busy.

I should have a voice log instead of a written log.

Thanks Chris, for taking care of Ian wonderfully on Thursday. Thanks Isaac, for sleeping early when I really need a peace of mind. Thanks Ian, for being so happy all the time.

I'm the one who totally suck big time.

So I gotta have faith faith faith.

Faith that I'll pull through.

No time on hand but still able to let bad memories plague me like my shadow.

Sigh. Private blog time. Sorry people, really... there's nothing I can write in here that I won't regret publicizing. A lot at stake right now. A lot.

Belated Happy New Year everyone.

Saturday, January 2, 2010
read this before I re-categorize its privacy mode!

The reason for my lack of posts here... is because I wrote on my private one instead.

Lots of crap happened, and I'm baffled by my inner turmoil. Perhaps its the festive season. Perhaps, I'm just not doing enough to control the madness within.

Some days I wonder, if I would get more delirious and start logging crazy thoughts in this cyber journal.. other times, I reckon I'd be strong enough for this kinda crap.

It was like cold turkey everytime he was nice to me. I get the adrenaline high, then I fall deep into the gutter when reality struck. The reality that I have to deal with every single day... that I'm not good enough.

What if one day, she decides to rekindle the spark they created? What would happen to the woman who got back her love only because she so 'kindly' let me have him?

I don't know if I should write more. Perhaps all these should be in the private blog. But I've gotta type something here. Too much going on in the other side. Too many crazy 'what ifs', and 'whys'.

It's the festive season. And I couldn't feel more alone.

Even with family and friends around me.

Crap, big time.