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My Tw|t Garden
Friday, February 26, 2010
At least.

I've not been taking care of my body recently...



No decent meals... and heavy snacking on unhealthy food...



Keep telling myself that all these would end once the stress level decrease. I'm sure it would. Can see that the amount of unsolved issues are reduced already...



Today, Chris was free labour for a day... he helped me unpack lots heavy stuff at my centre... and organized the place a little, while I slogged at paper work and purchase orders.



Then come evening, he was off to work... night duty. In another ten hours, he'd take over me to watch over Ian while I work. Again. So grateful that he's around. It's hard not to compare him to his old self. The stark contrast is way too obvious to miss.



I told him that I wished we were like this when Isaac was born... and he told me that he wished I was this loving to him then... We both have regrets... but we moved on from there. Someday, I'll learn to appreciate that it all happened for this very reason, that it didn't matter that trust was breached; love was cemented because of it. And trust would eventually return.



When? I really don't know...



I still think of bad things. I still hate that freak who did this to me. I'm still circling in the sea of low self esteem that I can't get out of. I wish I can remove the feeling of inferiority from my heart. I wish my confidence would come back... I've reached my goal of being skinny... so what? It doesn't change the fact that I'd lost to a younger, prettier species of woman.



It doesn't, for the record, change the reality that I've scarred big time for this.



What do I really want? I'm never sure. Sometimes I want to move on... other times... I'm like this: lamenting on stuff I bet you are all weary of hearing.



I feel like puking this very minute.



I am so disgusted with myself.



Freak, just give me more work to do... the mind is almost empty... and the past is ever-ready to fill this space... the sad, miserable, demeaning past... of love lost and found.



At least it was found.



At least...



he's still here.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Miserable.

Seriously. I need more time. More time to complete the unfinished work... and more time for romance.



Feeling so drained this moment... cos we practically spend all our other-available time squabbling... by the time we kiss and make up... its time to do other stuffs.



I can understand how tired he is after a long list today. But my day wasn't that rosy either. And it was LONG.



Wished we had gone to the gathering... then our friends would have given some wise advise to us pertaining to getting a ahem... helper.



I know I did say I'll give this topic a miss altogether, but really... how nice it would be if he'd just forget about the horror stories and seriously consider the pros of getting one.



I'd rather put my faith in the supernatural anytime... than having to worry about unfinished chores and messy pigsties. Faith that we'd get a good person who'd be our helper and friend, companion to our two children.



Faith that in the end, this good helper would prove to us that all the horror stories only exist when:


  1. There is a mentally challenged involved
  2. There is a serious lack of respect in either party
  3. There is contempt
  4. There is too much work
  5. There is too little care and concern


Do we really need to spend this money? Chris... I sincerely think so.



Imagine the times when we both were so stressed up and keep getting pissed at each other... this would've never happened if our work is lessened with help. Genuine help. Not half past six kinds who fly our aeroplanes sometimes.



Can we at least put faith in God that He'll take care to get a wonderful person we could eventually trust?



If not... I guess we'll have to make do with coping with family life instead of enjoying it.

Monday, February 22, 2010
Chris is so not suppose to read this.

Someone please tell my husband why I really need a helper...



So he can spend more time doting on me instead of doing housework and making me feel guilty because of that.



I know he doesn't mind, but I keep having this phobia... cos he used to do all the housework and... sigh. I really really need to contribute. And I've started, I guess if I didn't stop to rest I wouldn't feel so tired when I come home; thus the ability to clear some household chores (and child rearing responsibilities).



I know he'll never understand my need to contribute. Just like I'll never understand what made him do certain things before. I just hope I'll have the energy to keep up.



Really don't wanna rely too much on my parents either. Been independent my whole life, its darn crappy to realize that its only now that I have to depend on my parents to help manage my kids while I date my husband, rest and relax, or enjoy an afternoon of self pampering. My old folks are equally tired come weekend... I've no right to let them; even though they're offering help.



Finally... I guess it all boils down to time management.



And tiring myself out with the mundane essentials.



Someone please tell him I'm at my wits end.

Saturday, February 20, 2010
New Netty

I'm typing on my new netbook Chris got me.

Loving it.



And he's going to buy me skins to wear on the netty.



I'm so blessed to have a man who tries so hard to be a good husband...



Even though it came with a price....



Aw well. Nothing's free in this world. Everything comes with a price. In this case, a hefty one.



I need to pull up my socks and stop this freaking 'remembering' chore.



This new keyboard on my netty is such a breeze to use; compared to the lappy opposite me now. ROFL.



Check out my little screamer:

Friday, February 19, 2010
You know what....?

I feel like an octopus. Period.



And I'm wondering why I could cope so well when every minute a new task is assigned to me before I could complete the old ones...



Maybe its new-girl-on-the-job syndrome.



Arrgh.



Chris is snoring beside me. No time to make babies for now.



Or ever. For the record.



The constant typing of policies and procedures and SOPs and creating charts after charts is adding a strain to my already stiff shoulder.



I need a massage chair. Or a domestic helper to massage me daily. I swear I'd pay her tips if she'd do that.



Ah... the glory of daydream....



My throat hurts, and the fever is coming back... I'm wearing a thick jacket in the comfort of my warm house... I am so going to heat myself up till I perspire.



Why am I whining???



Arrgh.

Thursday, February 18, 2010
Of work and the ghost of yesteryears

I'm so going to wear my Korean branded big eye contact lens 24-7!



People can actually tell the difference when I turn up for work without them... I guess the difference is... U.G.L.Y. without them...



Anyways, the new job is great, or had I already said that before?



Lots of new stuffs to learn, and as usual, I'm always keen to learn. This time, its more than nursing work, its management, procurement, business and marketing all clumped into one shell.



Chris has been especially helpful; giving tips on certain details I would have left out (by thinking like a woman). I do agree that sometimes, men have eyes for details that women fail to notice.



(Now who says men are 'coarse-hearted'?)



Did I mention he's great at budgeting and cost-containing? Oh he gives excellent advice on those!



Sometimes, I wished he's in on this with me... the stuff I do there is awesome, totally radical.



New friends to make, new life, new environment. If I say that this is a chance God gave me to reboot, then grab the chance I must!



(I'm beginning to sound like obi one kenobi...)



Thing is... its been more than two years and I still bear the grudge and hatred so much, so much that I can't seem to let go. Sometimes I wonder if I consciously cling on to this hatred so I can continue to indulge in this 'victim' mode of life.



I wonder if all the women who have been through stuffs like this actually fully recover from it. If they do... how long did they take?



I wish someone would give me an answer to this question... But I'm certain that this topic is not something women would feel like sharing... especially if they've been through it. All I know is, these women look like they live a fulfilling life thereafter... is it really the case in their hearts?



Am I abnormal to still be affected by women who look like her/ dress like her/ talk like her?



Am I crazy to still cry at the fact that I was the moron who 'didn't know better'?



How can I reciprocate the efforts that my man is putting in to make amends?



So many questions... so little answers...



Sigh. Work is the only thing that keeps my mind off of these nitty gritty petty issues.



And I'm so indulging in it.

Monday, February 8, 2010
Time management in progress

I'm totally bogged down by work.



And loving every minute of it... minus the lack of time for family.



Not to mention typing on a blog like this. I should really get down to managing the priorities and stuffs, cos I really wanna continue logging my thoughts like this.



Too many stuffs to update; too little time. Probably later... when the holiday comes, and the MOH inspection (and ISO audit) is done.



Now I've gotta wake Hubbie up so he can sleep properly on the bed instead of the couch... he fell asleep when I was massaging him and trimming his nails, can you believe how tired he was?!



And screw A-man (pronounced "eii-man"; as in "amen") for making a nuisance out of himself and giving my man undue frustration.



Geesh! I'm so loving this new job!