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Thursday, July 12, 2012
It's 1.39am and I'm awake.
I gave my feverish eldest son some antipyretic medication. Stared at how much he has grown over the years. Then continued to stare at my second born for a little while, wondering how on earth did I end up with two wonderful boys like them. After much emotional moments, I went back to my room where my baby girl was sleeping. She looks beautiful with her tiny bolster in her embrace. She cried a little, maybe due to a nightmare, but was soon back to sleep after some soothing cuddle. I have three angels. Sent from heaven. Bestowed to me. So I could care and nurture them the way God wanted me to. I suddenly feel really blessed. Despite the occasional sadness and turbulent, I feel really loved by these little angels, even as they sleep. Then I crept up to the man who'd made all of them possible... And I stared at him for the longest time. This man... He had given me more than I asked for in this lifetime. Not all the good, but enough for me to make me who I am today. It's true I still feel the tinge of sadness overcoming my soul as I remembered... Yet I can't help but love this very man who'd given me sorrow. He looks so fragile when asleep. Like he needs a shelter or some hot soup to warm his heart. This man had weathered much since birth... And I realized that he never had what our children have, and it'd forever leave a scar in his life. This scar is meant for me to sooth. But how much should I take to complete my mission in life, that God has given me? I love him to bits, yet I'm troubled by my unhealed, broken heart. We've just finished a movie. At home of course. Actually it ended with me finishing up the movie and that silly man falling asleep on the couch in the most awkward position. It's a silly movie: Hall Pass. Yet it taught me meaningful stuff. That it takes two hands to clap and two very much in love couples to make a marriage work, monogamously. I can never rewrite history. Nor can I erase everything that'd happen. I can curse the perpetrator my whole life. Yet the fact that she had taken part of my happiness away would never change. I'm living a much ironic life. And between love and hate, I choose the former. Not because I'm a forgiving saint who speaks of love, but because I truly feel that there's a lesson I'm made to take home and not let history repeat. I'm scared. And I've no one to say it to. Because I've painted myself to be such a strong woman, even he's believing it, I cannot afford to let others know that I'm truly scared. Like a drenched homeless puppy left out in the cold, I'm helpless. At the mercy of what fate has in store for me. I try not to think too much. After all, I've three wonderful angels to help me get through all these. What more could I ask for? Time to check on his fever again. I wish for everyone to have a happy, monogamous marriage. Everyone. Good night cyber world. |