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Casino Spiele

My Tw|t Garden
Friday, August 27, 2010

Today is the happiest day of my life. I wasn't even this happy when he first proposed to me up in mount Faber many years ago.

Because this time, I knew he meant it. The look in his eyes, the smile he carried, the glister of blessedness in his face triggered by my goofy glee at the sight of THE ring.

I didn't know he was going to do it. Propose again I mean.

I thought it was just buy-a-ring-and-that-was-it affair.

And he went through so much effort to do it... Now that made me truly feel his love for me. Never in our lives together had he done the amount of things he'd done the past week. I feel like his one and only; his world and universe.

He knows that he's my world and universe; now I know I am his too.

I thank God for giving me him, and I thank Him for showing us that true love is not about sharing joy; it's about enduring hardships and difficult times yet emerging as ONE.

The rings, I fell in love with the design at first sight; I have to write the reason why....

It's a blend of rose and white gold, bound together by a solitary rock. I feel that it symbolizes the two of us; two totally different personalities - poles apart even, yet our lives are so perfectly intertwined... Bound by our love for each other.

Rock solid love.

And growing stronger with every test God put us through.

The rings are perfect for us, perfect symbols of what and who we are now, and forever.

The proposal simply made it even more perfect. Atop the highest point of the gigantic ferris wheel... He made me felt so so sure, that I was worth it; that I deserve to be happy.

I do not have to compete with anyone for his love anymore; he has proven that I fill his whole heart and soul... Well, maybe half, the other half is his male ego

Nevertheless... I'm contented to have this space in his heart. I'm grateful to him for letting me in once again.

The sunset view was beautiful... Just like how our love is gonna look in the prime of our days... Golden, with a dash of red.

Precious, with a dash of passion.

I love you, Chris. I really do.

Thank you for loving me.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

He said, "Get dressed, we're going somewhere."

We walked quite silently to the car park. The silence insinuated by an occasional cordial conversation. Very awkward.

As we stepped into the car park lift... he told me to keep my eyes closed when the lift door opened.

I got excited. But tried to remain indignant. (What could ever go right for this day?)

As the lift door opened... I looked at the bright light for one last time before I shut the windows to my soul.

He took my hand, "Follow me."

I was apprehensive. Frightened of tripping and falling... after all, the car park was full of cars... parked or moving.

Realizing that this is the man I'm supposed to trust for life... I wondered why I didn't.

I decided to just listen to his voice as he guided me forward, up a flight of stairs, and stood still.

He told me to wait. A while.

I waited. Got tired; this has not been a very comfortable day.

"Okay, done. Why are you squatting? Come, keep your eyes closed and follow me," he said gently.

"Now open them," he continued.

At the trunk of the car, was a lit candle on top of a gorgeously white cake, a bouquet of flowers lying beside the circular dessert, and two glasses of drinks.

"Water," he said.

I smiled.

And started tearing.

He opened his arms wide out as if to initiate a hug. I fell into his embrace; crying like a baby.

"What is a birthday without a cake?" he said in zest.

"And flowers."

We sang us a birthday song, made a birthday wish and blew the candle. All the while he was busy wiping the salty liquid off of my face.

"We are going to break the curse of August 24th, today is the start of many wonderful August 24ths to come!" he said softly. "Trust me."

And there and then... I truly believed.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Never a fan of August 24th.

Not since I decided that I'm better off celebrating national day than my own birthday.

Somehow I really thought I would enjoy it this year. Did I foretell my own fate? Or was it another self fulfilling prophecy?

I'm not really interested. Just adamant not to be so naive in the future many years till I pass on.

Thanks all, for the wonderful well wishes and birthday gifts. Thank you Chris, for trying so hard. Thank you dear Lord, for getting me back on ground zero, because getting high on adrenaline is not a good thing. Shortlived even.

Every minute I should be focussing on what I should be thinking... And not be dazzled by the fanciful. I was and regretted it now. Keep focussing, Sam... Because one day you will see light. I know it. I so so know it for a fact.

How not to feel low... I'm not really sure... But what I do know, is I still have many more August 24ths to come... And I have gotta find a way to make people forget that I was ever born.

Oh I really feel like bursting into tears now. My weak mind at work again. The only solace...

Is that I know I am somehow, still much more blessed than I credit myself for. How is it that I pulled through months and months of low without a high? It's miraculous. The only casualty being my weight; I binged a bit. Well, okay... A lot.

No more for now. No more lows, no more binging.

Next year, when my August 24th comes, I'll be ready.

This is my last 20's birthday; and my last miserable one. Because next year, I'll skip August 24th altogether. I'll hide and pretend to be missing for a day....

Just so that misery would not come a knocking on my door... And tell me that it came because of August 24th.

I hate birthdays.

Okay. Only mine.

Monday, August 23, 2010

We all have to make decisions one day. Big or small, we can't avoid it forever. It's just traumatizing to have to learn it the hard way...

Very affected by some event that a friend is going through... It's one of those BIG issues that we'd wish we needn't have to go through with. The magnitude akin to what I've been through... I'm sure the pain of it all would be just as great.

Sometimes I wished that all their burdens would be unloaded onto my shoulder... Because I hate to see people having to deal with issues as bad as this... Because I feel I'd have nothing to lose ever since I came back from the undead. You know? Undead - not alive yet not dead...

But the reality is... All of us have to deal with the frailties of life and the cruel nature of it. No one could take your place to do so... Each one of us would have different paths to walk, different choices to make... That's why God made us soul mates, friends and family to help us pull through.

I hope this friend pulls through. I hope all of you pull through... Whatever difficulty you are experiencing... I hope that with my story, I have proven that there is indeed, a light at the end of the tunnel, a pot of gold at the foot of the rainbow, the rainbow that appears after the thunder storm...

... even if sometimes, the light fizzles out to moonlight, the pot of gold no longer belongs to you, and the occasional rainstorm visits.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

This app is so cool. I can blog thru it and won't have to wait long time for the uploads to complete when I don't get good Internet access!

Digressions aside, I watched a wonderful story last night. I can't imagine how much it has affected my train of thoughts. It has triggered some emotions I never thought possible... The possibility of prematurely ending my hatred for another person.

Yes, I know that God forgives without a ledger; any repentant son of His is forgiven no matter how great the sin. Yet we as human; we lack the divine power to do so... We are bound by our earthly emotions; so great are our humanly ego - we cling on to cancerous emotions until God calls us home.

And when that happens - we let go. All of us do; in the end. Enemies make peace, family reconcile, shitload of money donated away... It depends on what you cling on to... Ultimately... We still have to let go... Because we bring nothing after death, no hatred, no love, no money... Only an empty shell to start all over; as His child, his disciple in life, and to learn all over again what it means to be free.

Intriguing thought... Can't believe a movie could provoke such intense revelation of the truth.

Maybe just one day... I would be able to put a stop to my misery... Kill the hatred prematurely... Stop my foolish persistence of hating that fella... because I won't wanna wait till I'm near death... it's too silly to hold on to something that wouldn't last forever. Nothing does anyway.

Then again, how do I separate my earthly emotions from divine forgiveness? Does she even need my forgiveness? Maybe she didn't even bother one single bit... Maybe she thinks she was never wrong to start with. Maybe. But when it comes to the end, dear filthy lass, you'd want to reconcile with your guilt, and when that time comes, you'd wish you had done it when you could've.

I'm going to start now, lest I miss my boat. First off; I thank you for making me realize that nobody is infallible. Especially myself.

Then I thank you for stirring up feelings I have for my husband which I never knew existed.

I thank you for making my husband realize that the only person who'd stand by him is me.

And I thank you, for giving us the many wonderful, loving years ahead of us that I've yet to experience... Because without your intrusion, we'd never have found each other the way we had... Without your trespassing, we'd never have experienced this love so deep and strong.

Thanking you is a start of my letting go; I'm not going to wait till the end. I learn from other people's mistakes.

And I will live better.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I am starting to believe that I was right all along. That there is no way of getting there... Where I wish to be.

Pardon me for my pessimism, but given the kind of circumstances; anyone would think likewise.

I have just gotta make do with my pathetic offer of a good life and trudge on. Alone or not.

I shall be happy when there are good days, and pretend that I live alone on bad ones. Bear no grudges; God would not want that of me. How I'm being treated is the result of my own doings. Ask for nothing. No favors no love no air to breathe. Be happy if there is; sulk not when there isn't. The worst that could happen?


And it'll only bring me closer to the One I really seek.

I'm not going to let other people's mood affect mine.

Yes, our lives may be intertwined, but I deserve to feel positive.

This is not despair. It's not really giving up.

It's putting my life in the hands of the One I know will never intentionally cause mr trauma. The One I believe is trying to teach me life's lessons of the vice, the pain and sufferings.

I think no more. No reason to ask if anyone is upset with me. Because if they are, it's their problem and their problem alone. Because like it or not, God has made me this way... The only person I want to please this very moment is You. Because only You appreciate my life as it is, flaws and all.

Why do I have a feeling that this year's birthday would be as sad and lousy as the previous ones?

It's simply a constant reminder that the day I was born marked the day I was destined to suffer. But I really feel otherwise.

I know somehow, somewhere, I've fulfilled part of my purpose in life... Somehow, somewhere, I've inspired and taught some people what true strength means.

True strength doesn't mean brute force or mental battles...

True strength is the ability to surrender.

The white flag is up.

Can you see that?

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Sometimes I wonder if people genuinely like me... Or that they pretend to like me only because they feel threatened.

I know I'm not an easy person to get along with. My standards are sometimes so high... Most humanly possible people fall short of my expectations. Are these good signs? Signs that prove my capabilities? I'm afraid not.

It only goes to show how impossible I am with human beings. How difficult it is to be my friend.

I read somewhere that our thoughts illustrates what would eventually actualize; only because we willed them to happen. Thoughts are powerful tools of magic... Tools that even people don't realize exist.

I am beginning to fully understand the way 'thoughts' work.

It's something like the "self-fulfilling prophecy" that sociologists speak of.

That you create or adopt a behavior by reference to the thought you have... And in turn 'entice' and entrap others to behave as you wanted them to... Thereby fulfilling your 'thought'.

Yes. It's confusing. I know... But makes helluva lot of sense to me.

Since young, I'm skeptical about 'friend's' and what 'friendship' does to sane people. It makes them all girly and mushy and whiney about life, relationship and body weight.

I've no friends. I think that they'll all betray me one day, be it snatching away my lover, cheating me of my money, or telling my enemies my weakest point... I made myself to believe so... And they happened so. Somehow... People around me do that and made me feel all the more justified by my own beliefs.

Scary, but true.

And I don't know how to think otherwise.

Over the years, I'm slowly but surely coming out of that skeptic shell... And am starting to create a new thought within... That making good friends are possible... And that I deserve them. All the goodness of friendship. (not just the bitching...)

Am I seeing results? Maybe... I've earned myself some and lost a lot more.... Who should be the one to judge? I'm not sure. But I know one thing's for sure...

Successful people are not simply intelligent. They succeed because they knew they have the single most powerful tool on earth... And that everyone was born with it; your mind.

If you are still not a convert with regards to this issue at hand; try this simple test (which I've done for at least 20 times for the past 29 years of my freaking life):

Think (aloud/ in your heart) that you will wake up at __am the next day (pls freaking fill in the blank). Tell yourself that you will wake up and repeat this sentence for at least three times - 'i, (name) will wake up at (appointed time) tomorrow.'

Look at the clock and imagine it to be fixed at the time you wanna wake up as you repeat the hypnotic chant.

Believe me, unless your mind is so freaking weak... It will definitely work. Works like a clock, no punts intended.

I did it when I didn't have an alarm clock with me when I was an adolescent. I did it out of curiosity (to see the frequency of it actually working) again when I was older... Many many times... And it works all the time!

The power of the mind... Is amazing.

Then I forgot what I wanna lament about now... Zzzz...

Dear God

Maybe I'm not praying hard enough... maybe I'm not strong enough... maybe...

he REALLY isn't the one for me.

Am I not trying hard enough?

The past week I had been diligently focused on my giving... on being sacrificial and abiding. Is there any capped limit as to how much a lay person could bear?

I knew it was working... he was fantastically elated I had been cleansed... but all the more I feel that he took this for granted.

Still... as the days go by... I'm feeling more sick in the stomach... more sure that I have been made use of again.

Like yesterday... I only wanted him to focus on me... so I asked him nicely to help me charge my phone... like he normally would... and only because I interrupted his online game-playing... I was given a shelling... not that big a shelling, but sufficient enough to tell me how 'important' I was.

Did I not tell you about the morning before this particular shelling?

We were rushing. He was frustrated with all the road users. Ian was crying and screaming in the car. He got mad. So mad. I thought the way he treated me was as if I had SOMETHING to do with all that had happened... like I could have done something.

I did not return the anger or madness, dear God. Instead, I reciprocated the feelings with a positive one. I insisted on SUPPORTING his feeble state of mind.

The apology came. Late in the afternoon. And I was sure I got over it. Because I was training myself not to bear grudges if I decided not to pursue injustice.

This morning... he did not care about my pride again. I was made to feel ridiculous and belittled. He reciprocated my reactions with that of anger. And silence. Do I not get any love at all?

I was so close, so so close to giving up. Yet I'd always bounce back and try again; at least I should be rewarded with some if not a wee bit of love right?

Wrong. It is wrong of me to ask for anything in return. I shouldn't. I should be giving willingly. If a favour or reward has to be returned... then it is not true giving.

Dear Sam

Now that you have answered your own questions, would you please pull your socks up and go apologise to your husband? If you are destined to lead a life as such, bear no grudge and harbour no more negative intentions.

Your ego is NOTHING.

It only makes you evil.

Let go of the evil and trudge on positively.

Life will be better. Life will be happy. Life is contentment.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Fine. Indulge in the vicious cycle. Am I subconsciously demanding too much or we are just not compatible enough?

I was told we were made perfect for each other. But I'm quite sure we are made differently. I can never understand the instructions he gives me... The instructions he thinks are simple enough; yet I 'catch no ball'.

People... Really, don't assume your loved ones can read your mind. Don't expect to say a monosyllabus 'sentence' and expect your partner to understand. Don't... ever fall into the trap of assumption and soulmates... They can't both co-exist. Soulmates are not for you to make assumptions about. Likewise, assumptions cannot be made about your soulmates.

Be polite. Always. Because if you cannot get your message across, rephrase and try again, because your partner is worth the effort and patience.

If the message is not conveyed properly, don't assume that your partner is stupid and flare up. Because believe it or not, your partner may be trying very very hard to listen for hidden messages within that monosyllabus.

I'm so ashamed of myself. Even without staring at the mirror, I know for a fact that my facial expression is mostly in a constant state of fear and uncertainty. I look down instinctively when he begins to stare, I look lost when being shouted at.

He says he doesn't shout.

Maybe I should really tape my life down for all to judge.

I'm tired.

I need my therapy.

I need to be invisible.

I need some courage.