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Casino Spiele

My Tw|t Garden
Monday, November 30, 2009

I just fucking blew it again.

Pardon my French... but I really need to curse for a little while.

I was calling to confirm that the last day of order for our dinner delivery was going to be today... and the fucking woman over the phone kept insisting that I need to give them three days notice in advance to terminate! First:

1) doesn't your employer teach you to let the customer finish talking and not to interrupt? Its fucking rude to keep interrupting my every sentence do you fucking realise that?!
2) my receipt says precisely that service of dinner delivery is from 2/11/09 till 30/11/09 - this is the end of contract - I did not terminate it. Its only courtesy of me to call to remind you not to send the fucking lousy food over to my house!
3) And what is it about your fucking tone of voice? Like I owe you money? Didn't I fucking pay you at the start of our fucking contract? Today IS the last day of my fucking CONTRACT with you.

Oh, people, you so are not going to have any sort of association with this fucking company: ME* HAO99. In case they are suing me for defamation, FUCK YOU, cos did you see the "*" I've so painstakingly typed in replacement of a single fucking letter? It can mean 101 other companies other than yours, okay?!

Digressions asides.. so I was fucking shouting my ass off at the fucking woman at the other end of the telephone line.

She was completely stunned - I know because she went from fucking noisy to total silence.

I told her to piss off and stop sending us food cos we're not going to pay after today. (well, as if I'm going to eat today's food - it might have your pee in it if I'm not careful!) And the fucking terms and condition is a total scam - three days in advance for TERMINATION OF CONTRACT? I did not TERMINATE. IT HAS ENDED> FINISHED> COMPLETED ITS DUE! Because you had fucking stupidly added the CONTRACT PERIOD onto the fucking receipt! 2/11/09 - 30/11/09 okay? So you had already known 20 days in advanced that the contract would TERMINATE on the 30/11/09, fucking asshole!

This entry is so not me - I had never cursed this badly in my journals my entire life - I've always thought words are too beautiful to be written in vulgarity.

I'm telling you, its my anger. I am definitely going crazy.


Oh! Stop it already, Sam!

Pls do not judge me as I am in this post. I'm totally off the line on this one. Otherwise, I'm a meek, obedient, law-abiding citizen who'd never think of cursing on a blog entry.

Sunday, November 29, 2009
Angry again

My anger is escalating.

I almost tore out my skin yesterday... scary. Now I know how Chris feels whenever he had ballistic outbursts like such.

Gotta sort out some hidden issues which I'm not sure about...

Till then, I really gotta hold my horses....

Saturday, November 28, 2009
The moment of truth

I think I scored an ace in the interview on Friday.

Thanks for walking with me....

Life's looking rosier already!

Friday, November 27, 2009
scram anger! and make haste!

I swear the anger demon is possessing me now.

I keep getting angry at the slightest issue... and when I do, I hurt myself and those around me...

This sounds so much like Chris... I think his demon has decided to jump ship or something... arrgh!

I've got lotsa bruises all over my fingers and arms and thighs courtesy of self-mutilation. Then just yesterday, I decided to vandalize the lift - I kicked it so hard, I think I sprained my right foot. The walls at my house are not faring any better - all that punching is bound to get them pissed enough to sue!

Sigh. What is wrong with me?

And I'm really getting extremely forgetful these days. Not to mention the loss of mood control. Oh. So this explains the anger.

When am I going to get my frigging decent life back?!

Speaking of which, I've got a very important meeting to go to in exactly twelve hours from now. If everything works well, this is so going to tranform a large part of our current life. I hope it does. If it works well, I'll let you guys in on this one. Otherwise... well, you get my drift.

GOD, if this is really intended for me... like everything that is... walk with me okay?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Utterly nonsensical ramblings

There's so much sadness these days, I kinda forgotten how to be happy.

Believe me, this is really an understatement.

I cannot even - for a brief moment - force a smile from my default sad face. Except when there are people around. Funny thing is, Chris can always see through the disguise. Sometimes, I'm kinda tired of him being able to 'read my mind'. Sometimes, I think he may not even be reading it correctly - its just that I'm conditioning myself to believe; and think, what he wants me to think.

Alright, forget about what I'd just said. Pure incoherence.

Everyday I vow to think positive and every night it ended in failure. Its really getting to me. I mean the failure. Seems to me that I've been failing ever since...

See what I mean about my rambling? I'd better stop here. Before I say something silly and regrettable again...

Queensovereign - out.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Moo Moo

So the old lady on the MRT was so keen on Ian. Too keen.

How old is he?

2months, going 3.

How long has he been smiling at you?

*???* You mean when he started smiling at me or...?

Ya, ya.

Oh, two weeks ago I guess. Cute huh?

Ya. You feeding breast milk?

Yes. Save money. And very healthy for baby. *baby starts whining, sucking fist*

He's hungry. Feed him.

No its fine. I've just fed him before we board the train. He's just sleepy. *more sucking*

See! He's really hungry. Never drink enough. Feed him lah.

Its fine, aunty. He's really just sleepy.

How you know?


Oh, I've been with him since he's born, so I guess you just know. *s##@@uetqejz##!%*

*Ian fell asleep*

See aunty, he's just tired. *Point proven*

What is wrong with people and their mindset thinking that breastfed babies are always hungry?!?! They are not okay...

... especially when you have a cow for a mother.

Monday, November 23, 2009
The past revisited.

Was so messed up Saturday night that I sort of mis-posted my private entry to this one. Removed the moment I realised it.

Hopefully didn't do much damage. But he read it anyway. Then he told me he had this fleeting thought... to release me of my pain. The words... when they came out of his mouth... my heart ached... a lot.

I realised that even though sometimes, things may seem so bleak that I feel like throwing in the towel... I still couldn't bring myself to imagine a life without him. Some people may say its habit. To me, it's more than a habit.

Its a lifetime of promise I've given to him, and myself... to love and to hold, till death do us part.

I remembered the day I told him I wish to be his guardian angel for life, even though I may not be the one he loves, or chose. Even if death separates us... I'd transform into a butterfly and guard his brittle heart till he dies.

I promised this and I'm not going to break it.

It was a sad day for us. Him - looking at me the way I behaved... staring at the window, forcing a smile, dreamy in a bad way. Me - thinking of evil thoughts, trying to smile through the piercing pain memories evoked, lost in evil thoughts.

I hate this part of the healing. The revisiting of hurt and pain.

But he came through for me.

He said he'd do this for a zillion times until I'm finally okay.

Till I'm finally free...

Of the past.

Sunday, November 22, 2009
Hate. The epitome of evil.

I have a confession to make.

I hate myself. So much that I'm beginning to lose the battle... I can't continue. I can't focus. I can't. I have absolutely no faith that I'll pull this through. This is really what's wrong. Nothing else.

He's fine, doing great. A new man, I should say. It's me. Really just... me.

I can't forgive myself just yet. For all that has transpired. For my part in my own downfall. I hate myself. Did I say that already? Yes. I hate myself.

I'm an ugly, chubby, silly piece of old rag cloth that doesn't know what to do with her stupid life. I hate my face. My body. My hair. My brain. My mood. My incapacity.

Someone is trying so hard to get me out of this shithole. Yet I keep pushing him away. I think. Or am I simply sunken so deep... I can't reach out anymore?

Crying seem to be my favourite pasttime.

I can do this anywhere. Just give me a second and the tears will generate. I think I'm in deep trouble. I think I'm regressing into the dark side again. No. I think I am ALREADY in the dark side.

Someone dear once told me its good to have insights into one's own mental realm. I agree. So I always seek help before it gets irreparable. I need help now. Fast.

GOD, is this another hurdle I have to cross? Are YOU still walking with me? This life journey is so so tiring. Would I ever be totally free of this disease? Would I ever learn forgiveness?

I hate myself.

I know. I've said it already. But...

I really hate myself.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

It's a mystery how life doesn't always turn out the way you want it.

But it always take a great person to plow through the crap that constantly comes along. I'm confident you can do it gal. Be sure to look forward to the rainbow after your terrible rainstorm.

Ditto to all those trying to clear their crappy life this very moment.

(boy it sure smells sometimes!)

Thursday, November 19, 2009
regret versus gratitude

I wish for a lot of things...

... and I know they might just as well not come true at all.

Like how sometimes... I wish he'd know I'd like him to cook a romantic meal for me instead of bringing me to an expensive, fanciful restaurant to celebrate an occasion... (It's really nice to have a guy cook for you... I once had a guy cook instant noodles for me... and I thought it was the nicest tasting delicacy ever!)

And how sometimes... I wish he'd stop looking at other women but only at me... so I can at least feel a little less ugly... (whose men don't look at other girls, I'd like to know.)

These won't happen. I know. And many other things too.

I wonder what would have happened if our path had never crossed... would he be happier? Would I? Perhaps not. Like I said before, SHIT happens. Even if its with another person.

On another different note not even remotely close to what I've just lamented on...

Random strangers are really keen on my darling Ian...

I have strangers on the train attempting to chat Ian up with impossibly funny baby talk... salespersons fawning over his big swollen face... guessing his gender and offering to carry him for a while.

What's best about having Ian around me... is that I have kind gentleMEN holding doors and lift-doors for me; its really nice to see civic-minded people (note: MEN only) around nowadays... since its been ages I've encountered one. Maybe its the kid, maybe its ME plus the kid (cos women usually don't hold doors for me and most often, they raced to get pass me in trains and lifts); whatever it is, its nice.

Like the time when I went for a pedicure...

I left Ian sleeping in his buggy while the manicurist worked on my toes, unfortunately he woke up and decided to spit some milk all over himself.

"Oh! Oh! He vomited!" exclaimed the horrified manicurist who was free and watching over Ian.

The lady boss of the shop told her to shush lest she startle Ian and instructed her to wipe off the spit on his face and body.

"With what? Hanky? This one?"

Yes, I told her, that one on his buggy. (well, there was only one handkerchief in his buggy)

"Aiyoh! That is his cap!" another patron of the shop said in exasperation.



Babies just bring out the child in everyone, don't they? Until they can't differentiate a hanky from a cap...

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I thought I should share this with the world, its quoted from one of the social groups found in FB; this is an abstract of an email being sent to me...

#... my short and sweet list of How Not to Cheat:

1. Don't find yourself in a private setting with a member of the opposite sex.

As I always say - it's really, really hard to cheat when you're at home, alone, by yourself! Don't give yourself any more reasons to give into temptation.

2. Don't build emotional relationships with too many members of the opposite sex.

Friends, shmiends, most friend-ships (for men) are just a holding pattern until you are willing and ready to take it further. And we women are no better - we often just like to have a man as a backup plan, in case our current relationship doesn't work out. Guard your heart and your time - and hang out with more of your same sex friends.

3. Don't confide all your secrets in a member of the opposite sex.

Yeah, I know, it's much easier to share sometimes with someone that has a different set of chromosomes, but this is definitely heading in the direction of building emotional relationships (and you know where that usually leads). Especially don't share everything that your significant other does that bothers you. Some unscrupulous friends can and will use this against you at a later date. Get a best friend who is the same sex as you. Trust me - it's much easier in the end.

4. Don't spend time fantasizing about 'what if'.

Yes, I know most people don't really consider it cheating unless something physically happens, but, here's a news flash - thinking about doing something is just one step away from actually doing something. Don't think so? Fantasize about ice cream for the next half hour, and see if you don't head to your nearest Ben & Jerry's!

5. Stop seeking external validation.

Make sure you already think that you are okay. Or that you are great. Or whatever it is you need to make it through the day. Because the sooner you believe it yourself, the sooner you will no longer need someone else to make you feel that way.

6. Stay Busy!

Do I even need to get into this one? Suffice it to say the less free time you have, the less time you have to get yourself into 'trouble'.

7. Think about your mate.

Hey, here's something that's probably fallen by the wayside. Remember when you thought your mate was absolutely perfect and could do no wrong? Okay, so you know that ain't true, but I bet he or she still does some things very, very right. Think about those things. Replay them in your mind. Repeat.

8. Spend time building your relationship with your mate.

Spend time planning things you would like to do. Spend time cooking for him or her, sending him or her emails, spending quality time or taking long walks in the park. Whatever it takes to build upon what you already have. 'Cause building a new one will take just as much work as you are putting into the relationship you have now. It's easier (and cheaper) in the end to just love the one you've got.

9. Follow your own passion.

Quit trying to live your life through someone else! And quit thinking if you've bedded three or four people other than your significant other, that this makes you some type of player! You are not. You just lack self-control. Find what you do best - and do it. Enough said.

10. Commit to Yourself first!

Forget about trying to commit to another person through thick and thin. 'Cause his 'thin' will be too thin and her 'thick' will turn you off. Commit instead to your own personal desire to be faithful, loving and attentive to the one you've got. People change. Feelings change. But, knowing (and sticking to) who you are on the inside never goes out of style. Then, when you have the desire to cheat, you will realize it's much more important to be true to yourself than indulging in a temporary fix.

So, go forth and be faithful#

There... I thought it was well said and written.

Let it be a reminder to all of us... that it is not impossible to stay with and love your spouse and only your spouse till death do you part. Monogamy. All it takes...

... is a little effort.


I realised... that the person I can't forgive the most... is myself.

One day... I'll be free of it. But today... and the day after... till death... I'm a sinner.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


I wonder if its all worth the wait.

To stake out and hold on till the sun rise again.

The darkness that ensues suffocates...

Slamming fear in your face again and again in repeated waves.

All the time you know full well that only you and you alone can create that fear...

and darkness is all but a delusion; that sunrise is already here.

I want so much to take a deep breath and smell the dew that accompany that sunrise... to spread the news that sunrise is here...

If only you can see past the delusion... and that there is nothing to fear.

If only waiting is not solitary... that one-man-wait is replaced with a companion... A companion to share the darkness, the fear, and the anticipation for light at the end of the dark, cold tunnel.

A tunnel that is nothing but a whimsical myth; or very real, and unnerving?

Would the two persons, when finally agreeing to disagree... then see the folly of their ways?

I can't make you see light, but I can hold your hand till you finally do.

I can't take away the fear, but I can lessen it by my gentle caress.

God will relinquish my strength eventually; when I've learned the lesson of forgiveness...

HE hears me, this I know.

Saturday, November 14, 2009
cold, cold, reflection

We went to the airport earlier today... had some nice finger-licking food and photo taking.

While Isaac was busy throwing ping pong balls to his Daddy, I noticed our reflection in the cold, cold glass wall opposite us. Chris and I... standing there... in translucence... then it dawned on me how lucky I was to still be standing beside him, even though it didn't look right; it really didn't. It was as if some other human form should make up that space beside his...

I was lucky... even though I didn't deserve the pain and betrayal... I was lucky to still be existing... in his life... beside him...

This picture of translucence... this fallacious fit... can't get out of my mind for some time...

Sometimes... it's really hard not to let it go... why am I clinging on to the dagger that's stabbing me? This profound and mysterious question often eludes me... its like I am addicted to the pain already... and I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms... the cost of wanting to remove the pain from my life...

Whatever it is... I'm still grateful for his requited love... the love that was lost... and found again...

The love... I'd been waiting for my whole life...

For this, I'll persevere.

Friday, November 13, 2009
Why is it...

... that I can never stop crying at his blog...

He just reminded me that words are the most powerful healers on earth, and that I need to keep on writing... one day, we shall both see the lights at the end of the long, painful tunnel...

I'm in no position to lament about my life. He's got it worse... And he's still making the most of it. With beautiful Maddy... Is it the strength of a man? Or is it the kid whom resembles her mom so much, I'm sure it hurt every time he sees her... just like how it hurt sometimes when I look at him... how much it hurt when I accidentally remembered...

Oh Matt Logelin, you amaze me with your tenacity... it makes me feel so weak, so small... so... inconspicuous.

The past in the present... and who knows future?

I fall in love with Fish Leong every time I listen to her songs. She has the power to do that to me, imagine that!

Her songs... her voice... the melodies she soothingly hums... send chills to my spine.

I'm digressing right from the start of my post, haha.. Actually I meant to post about this wonderful man who raises his only daughter alone, cos his wife had died during childbirth. This is so sad right? To lose your wife at the same time gaining a little bundle of joy...

To rejoice or cry?

I saw him on the set of Rachel Ray show, and went to read his blog, not very recently updated, probably busy with Madeline... I cried, damn it. He was in so much pain... that particular entry... yet he had to carry on with life like it didn't matter... cos of Madeline. And it reminded me yet again, how much of the past still lingers in the present. How much strength one needs to strut through the stuffs that will and forever remain stagnant, past, present or future. Like memories, places, and people.

I'm crying again, for him, for Madeline, and for his late wife, Liz.

You can do it Matt, I can do it too.

We can all do it...


Thursday, November 12, 2009
Losing weight with the right kind of food

Ok, so I am desperately looking for food diets that actually help lose weight; and after some reading, decided that this is going to be my new diet regime.

Breakfast: Bananas with warm water (apparently the Japanese do this to lose weight - and that we do not even have to watch the rest of our diet once we start off our mornings with this!)

Lunch: Oatmeal with low fat milk and pineapples for dessert (so they say oatmeal keeps me full and pineapple has a certain enzyme that help burn calories)

Dinner: Whatever my family eats (in small portions of course) - with GREEN TEA!

I've long heard that green tea helps in weight loss, but have yet to try it. I'm going to, since there's a big box of green tea leaves in my kitchen cupboard. Hopefully in two weeks to one month's time, I'll lose the last three kilograms I've yet to lose.

This diet is so darn cost-effective, considering I have most of them in my kitchen.

Ladies, for more information on food for weight loss, check out these two websites:



Good luck in losing weight!


So I received the divine product today. Am so going to try it out tonight.

Apparently it works in two weeks minimum. It came with a cute little pouch. Very nice. Hope its well worth the money... since we're broke and I'm still spending on frivolous things like eyelash growing serums...

And not to mention my brows... I'm finally going to grow some(more)!

Chris... I'm sorry I really have to do this. It's a girl thing. I know you think I'm pretty enough, but its never too much right?

I want lashes just like you and Isaac and Ian. I'm the only one in our family not having thick and luscious lashes. Ok, so they're long, but so what? They're balding with every crimp I subject using the curler. &(--)&

Eee... I'm so. EXCITED!

Do not believe what I just said!

I am officially going crazy.

With Ian crying all the time and Isaac throwing tantrums half the time...

I wonder what's left of my brain juice...

Why do I have such difficult children?????????

Speaking of which... I actually read an article that tells me (I hope its true) that fussy children are actually cleverer than their quiet, sleepy counterparts. Characteristics of fussy children include:

1) Not sleeping long enough
2) Cry at everything and anything
3) Wants to be carried all the time

Yeah, you get the drift.

Should I be glad that I have two extremely intelligent kiddos?

Somehow... I'd rather they're stupid. Zzz....

Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Of Mars and Venus

Men want to come home after a day's hard work to a clean home, happily settled kids and a cheerful wife.

Women want to see their men come home a grateful soul, help out with chores kids, spend time together, with energy on an extreme high still.

Tsk tsk... Men and women, this is impossible.

Be realistic, your husband has had a hard day, all he wants to do is eat, sit at the computer desk/watch TV/sleep and most of all... keep quiet.

And men, your wives can't settle the kids by themselves... they've got another dozen tasks awaiting them... and oops! They haven't even settled themselves! No bath, no rest, no TV show to watch. How can they still remain cheerful as we speak? The only thing is that the house is at least decently cleaned.

Oh this scenario is enacting and reenacting everyday in most households. It seems like a never-ending low grade movie irritating the eyes and brains of everyone...

Is there any way Men and Women can ever live together in peace?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I'm like 3kg away from my ideal weight.

And I'm very satisfied with my performance so far.

I suppose five years down the road when I read my blog entries (yes, I read my old blog entries to reflect) I'd be flabbergasted by my own crazy desire to look stick-thin and gaunt-like. Still, it proves one thing - I have not recovered.

Chris was right, I may want to look skinny because I wish to be better. Better in all aspects - work, life, social, love, even the looks department.

He told me I'm in every way more beautiful than so-and-so, and I was deeply grateful and touched.

But I still cannot get pass my own conscience - that I look absolutely fat and ugly.

Maybe one day, I'll wake up all rid of this silly notion, I wonder how long it'll take.

I've already lost the confidence I had before. This kind of thing breaks me, breaks my confidence and kills whatever faith I have in myself.

Then someone said something one day that made me realize one thing...

... that life doesn't break you, its up to you whether you want to be broken or continue to stay alive. Whatever fate has in store for you, you cannot control, but you can choose to make it better or worse.

I hope people would realize this and make better lives out of their current ones.


Monday, November 9, 2009
Of all evil sins ~ ANGER

Professionals say women cry when they're depressed, and men get angry when they are. Is it true?

If it is really, then I'll accept anything come what may.

I have three male species living under one roof with me... imagine the amount of anger I'll have to face twenty years down the road... horrendous!

How do I cope when faced with an angry person? Do I shun, smack, smirk or sympathize?

You know I've always loved the wonderful story of Beauty and the Beast. Not because it was a fairy tale with a happy ending (I'm not really the typical pink-loving gal who desires happy endings all the time), but because it has taught me a valuable lesson on life and love.

The way Beauty coped with the angry Beast and how she managed to get rid of his hatred and anger within him... and transformed him into a prince charming (which he originally was anyway, just that anger consumed him).

I've always wanted to believe that I can be that Beauty (not in the aesthetic sense)... I wish to learn how to expel anger from a person and make that person notice the beauty around him, and then he'll discover how beautiful he actually is, too.

The amount of hatred and resentment blinds a person, and he doesn't know that he can't move on from the past.

Well, of course, if a woman can't move on from the past, she'll cry like I always do. A man... he feeds his anger with more anger and finally poisons himself silly (thus becoming an ugly, violent beast).

This is when women throw in the towel and call it a day. But that wasn't what Beauty did.

She reciprocated violence with love,

anger with acceptance

and hatred with forgiveness.

To me, she is the bravest woman on the planet of make-believe and hopefully, there are really women out there who do that to their men.

I'm trying very hard to be one. Sometimes I succeed, other times, I fumble and tumble.

I'm glad he sees my efforts, but I don't think I did good enough.

The resentment stems deep for two decades... maybe its too hard for me to neutralize. Maybe, I'm not as strong as Beauty was. Maybe, a woman like Beauty doesn't even exist in this world....

But I didn't say I was giving up!

This is a time a lay person asks for strength from the supernatural.

This is a time an inconspicuous earthling prays to God and hope he hears her.

This is a time... when she is glad she's not quitting.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009
A leopard never changes its spots

Its so true.

Then why bother to give chances?

Because God gave us the reasons to hope?

I'm not too sure about this one.

I seriously think that chances are given because people are stupid. I am stupid. I really think so. No one should be given second chances. They should just all go screw it. Yeah, people do repent, their conscience ate up their evil half and the good came out to rule, but will it even last?

I realize that I'm rambling...

I'm so exasperated now, I wish my brain would liquefy like the dead people in 'FRINGE". This way I don't have to think anymore. Just go with the flow, you know... the flow of my liquefied brain juice?


Tuesday, November 3, 2009

He's judging me.

Cry. That's all I can do.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Isaac is such a dear, yet a pest at the same time...

The one big issue I have with him is... he doesn't seem to listen.

Most times when the adults tell him things, he ignores them through and through.

One day, I decided to penalize him for ignoring. I told him how he doesn't have ears and that I was going to cut off his ears with a pair of scissors.

"No! I am listening!"

"Then why aren't you moving your butt? Its time for dinner, go to the dining room."

And he went, sulkily.

Then there was this one time, he suddenly said to me, "Mummy are you listening, you said I don't listen you also never listen right? I listen but you never. But I never want to cut your ears..."

.... (*-*)||

And there was this other time when I asked if I could go take a bath while he sleep alone in his bedroom... he ignored my question as usual...

Then I got fed up and threatened the 'cut off his ears' routine again...

"I told you you can go but hurry up right? I told you but you never listen!"

The thing is... he never utter a single word before that indignant speech. Nothing!

He's killing me, I tell you.

Yes, the thing about discovering their state of autonomy at preschool age yada yada...

But how long is it going to last?!

Good ol' fun and More

The weekend had been great fun.

We went shopping at Sun Tec City (again!!!); we had our favorite fast food Carl's Junior, bought a cheese cake...

... and I bought a swim suit. The design is a mix of bikini and normal swim wear, if you see my back, it looks totally like I'm wearing a bikini. If you look at the front view, there's actually this extra fabric that runs down from the breast to the nether region - thus covering my stretch marks on my tummy. This is the best ever design anyone can come up with. I look like a million dollars wearing it!

We've been going to the swimming pool very frequently and its been bothering me that I haven't got a decent swim wear - either reveals my stretch marks (bikini) or too dowdy (auntie swimwear). Not that I can enter the pool - yet. Cos I need to take care of the little one, so only Chris and Isaac are having fun frolicking in the water. In time to come - I can make a grand entrance with my new swim wear; which I'm dying to use!!

Then yesterday, we spent a quiet Sunday relaxing at home, and I gave Chris a nice full body massage - which lasted like ten minutes cos Ian was fretful all morning. At least the massage covered his important body areas - not the IMPORTANT ones but his problem areas like neck and lower back. It actually was supposed to be an hour long thing - too bad Ian didn't like the idea of Daddy enjoying his little retreat, hahah.

I'm so guilty of saying, and thinking about this, but I always look forward to weekends - cos Isaac would be with my parents and I could finally rest and enjoy my couple time with Chris - in 'half-peace'. 'Half' because Ian's still around and sometimes he gets in the way - but with Isaac around - there is not one moment of peace. I'd be busy with Isaac and Chris, with Ian.

Sometimes, I feel like having an extra helping hand - a domestic helper or a relative to help out - its way too stressful having to handle one 100%-attention-seeking-three-year-old and a 100%-need-you-to-do-everything-for-me-two-month-old all in one day, 24/7.

Then I thought about living with another person; the conflict, privacy issues, awkwardness... sigh, nothing is perfect.

How nice if someone would just drop by, attend to both kids for the night while they sleep so Chris and I can really go dating without having either of the kids in tow.

If only I had understood the concept of couple time and the importance of it when we had Isaac three years ago. Then I wouldn't have neglected him and bad things wouldn't have happened. It's funny how this bad thing keeps coming to my mind the past weeks, though I really do make an effort to look forward instead of backwards. Something is telling me I'm not right in the head again.

Oh God. I seriously need some strength and help in this.

Chris has been wonderful, though, doing nice little thoughtful stuffs that make me happy and contented.

I cannot ask for more.

It's very nice to have someone you love root for you when your mood is bonkers.

I hope Mummy and Daddy would too. They simply have problems too deep-seated in their hearts. I wish they would see past their old mistakes and support each other in old age. It really very sad to not speak to the one you love just because you can't get pass your dignity and pride. My children can't solve their problems, they only create a topic for them to interact, but the real problem still lies, waiting to gnaw at them when the kids return home with me.

But then again... Dad is really a stubborn old mule, and Mum, she's not very strong mentally for this sort of perseverance. Imagine Chris and I almost giving it all up many times... it would have been harder for Mum. And Dad.

We don't wanna be like them when we're old; Chris and I, so we promised each other we'd talk things out regardless how difficult it would be to voice our opinions sometimes. Love and marriage takes a lot of effort, and we're committed to make it work.

In five years' time, I'd be sitting with Chris at the beach, laughing at the kids making ugly sandcastles and thinking how silly it was to keep harping on the bad thing that had happened.

All because we try - very hard.