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My Tw|t Garden
Friday, October 30, 2009
i need

I need a break.



Seriously.



I need to hear the sound of waves and feel the sea breeze blowing against my weary face.



I need a full body massage, one with aromatic oil all over me.



I need tantalizing ice cream, loads of it. Non-fat.



I need company. So he can hear me tell him how much I enjoy his company; even though he always asks me to do stuffs for him. Even though I complain. He has no idea what life was like when he didn't want me to do stuffs for him. When he had someone else to do stuffs for him.



I'm digressing. Sorry.



I need to breathe. And remember to count my blessings. Cos I forget sometimes... and it may cost me my life.



I need to survive hatred...



... And envy. And wrath. Its all still in me. And I'm choke-full of them. They are asphyxiating me.



I need God. Period.

Thursday, October 29, 2009
OfSchoolAndNames

I'm so so glad Chris' degree study is finally over!



At least there is one less issue for him (and me) to worry about!



The past week hadn't been very pleasant... I got irritated at the slightest hiccup. And Chris bore the brunt of it. Upon deeper reflection, and after deciphering (its hard to understand him at times, especially when I'm pissed) what he said to me last night, I finally understood that it was really me who had some unresolved issues.



Couldn't write it here.



Anyways, life has gotta go on despite my occasional relapse. I should be thankful he doesn't find me a chore to cope.



On a different note....



Infantcare has no vacancies until MAY next year. That means Ian can't get in till May! We are contemplating tentatively residing him at the infantcare downstairs where we live, but its more expensive.



The bugger of a principal at LV is really not very helpful. No wonder the teachers are leaving one by one. What is wrong with her? Attitude.



Incidentally, Isaac seem to be having a fun time at LV. Just the other day when I went to pick him up from childcare, he was actually conversing with Evan, one of his classmates. Its fun to see two interlectually abled midgets chit-chatting about the day's event. They look so cute!



Ramblings asides, Isaac was telling me that Evan's mummy's name is Evangeline. (I know because we're colleauges) and I thought it was pretty cool that he remembered such a big word and its not even his own mummy's name! So I ask him for my name...



"Sam,"



Not even the full name.



I'm so ashamed.



Maybe he was just trying to be funny, but well, guess its still pleasing to know that my mobile number is the only one he remembers, and dial well.



Awww...



&(^^)&

Wednesday, October 28, 2009
♥ LOVE ♥

Love...



You shouldn't be thinking that you are suffering...



If you feel miserable, you haven't love enough.



Love is self sacrificial, asking nothing in return, not even for THE ONE to love you back. If there is any hint of wanting more from THE ONE... then you love yourself more than you love THE ONE.



How much truth is in what I've just written?



I really don't know.



Is there really someone who can love without asking for anything in return? Even if it means heartbreak and tears?



I try, very hard. Cos I wanna believe that I truly love him more than I love myself. Sometimes I succeed, other times, I fall back into the little black hole that asks to be loved in return.



I'm inconsistent, however I do think its really human to want to feel loved. Even animals do.



Would I die for him? Maybe. Is it silly? Most probably not. Love is blind, they say.



I told him I wanted to be his guardian angel, if he's happy, I'll be. Even if he's not by my side. Even if it means his true love isn't me.



Its just words. But I would have done it. Even if it hurts. Even if it means the end of our journey.



There shouldn't be hate, or resentment, but why do I sometimes feel I couldn't let go? I'm human, after all.



Love is a big word. Most people think they know love, but they don't know the half of it.



You may hurt now... but when another one comes along, you fall in love again. This may be a trying time, its when friends and family become important again. This is not true love. True love shouldn't hurt... not.



Truth is. True love does hurt. It hurts when you realise you've given up your right to be selfish. It hurts when you love deeply. It hurts even more when you lose the love you think is love.



How may times can people fall in love in a lifetime? Can you fall in love even though you're already with someone? If so, is this love? Or lust?



Could it be lust all the while?



Maybe.



All I know is... love transcends lust. Love becomes pale or even colourless after marriage; without the lust... but its still there... quietly sitting in a corner waiting to be noticed.



I saw it when the crisis occurred. It's begging to be picked up and cradled once more. It's asking to be fed food and water, to be given unconditional attention, to live again.



We nurture love. If not it wouldn't stay visible for very long. And then you'd forget about it and think its not there anymore.



Someone else comes along and with excitement and lust adding color... you think you found love again... this time in another person. And another. And another.



And the one true love is still quietly waiting in the corner of your heart... waiting for you to return.



In this world where infidelity is so rampant, I wonder how many finally realise that love is there all along... Boring and colorless because of neglect.



I'm so reminiscent today...



Of my love, of others' love.



Of the kind of lust you call love.



Of the love that doesn't see responsibility.



LOVE...



Such a simple word...



Yet full of mystery and complexity.



Do I really know love?



Maybe not.



♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Tuesday, October 27, 2009
DO you have the GRIT?

I've reached the 40s mark... I mean my weight. I've been officially 49kg for two consecutive days. That's despite the weekend buffet with Chris. I'm so excited. Bimboitic yes I know but.. imagine the amount of determination I have to get to my 'destination'.



I've always been determined in whatever I do. That is if I put my heart into them. Sometimes things don't work out well, sometimes things even got to points of no return... irreparable damage, even. But I can proudly say I move on. Brave the storm, come what may.



I wonder if my stubbornness have got anything to do with this determined streak. Whatever it is, I'm glad. If not I won't be where I am now. I may not be the happiest woman on earth; I do envy young single gals who prowl the night with their drop dead gorgeous looks, but I'm contented with what I have. I've got to drill this endlessly into my head, lest I become disgruntled about my current situation.



1) minimal sleep
2) no 'me' time
3) financially strapped by the kids
4) emotionally strapped by ahem, the kids again
5) minimal 'couple' time
6) inability to climb the corporate ladder



I should say point number 6 have gotta be the greatest sacrifice ever. I've been ambitious, all my life. But since the birth of Isaac, I've seen my desire to climb the ladder diminished, even to the extent of shunning away from opportunities. This I'm extremely guilty of.



No doubt I feel a tad bit of 'frittering my life' away, still I've gain much more. Family is what really counts, they'd be there when I die, not my employers. I miss work; I love my job, but I'm never going to miss watching my kids grow up. This is something I'd never wanna look back and regret upon.



Sounds unconvincing, albeit true. Do I have the guts to carry on what I do? Continue my life journey in this direction? I do, definitely.



What did you choose? Which route did you take in your life journey? Do you have the grit to carry on? Do you?

Monday, October 26, 2009
掉了

心疼的玫瑰 半夜还开着

找不到匆匆掉落的花蕊



回到现场却已来不及

等待任何回音都不可得



微弱的风筝 冬天了飘着

回不去手中缠线的那个



没有蓝天 又何必去飞 怎麽适合



黑色笑靥掉了 雪白眼泪掉了

该出现的所有表情瞬间掉了

瞳孔没有颜色 结了冰的长河

回忆是最可怕的敌人



故事情节掉了 主角对白掉了

该属于剧中的对角戏也掉了

胸口没有快乐 断了翅的白鸽

不枯萎的藉口全掉了



曾经唱过的歌 分享过的笑声

在心中不断拉扯

想念不能承认 偷偷擦去泪痕

冬天过了还是会很冷



黑色笑靥掉了 雪白眼泪掉了

该出现的所有表情瞬间掉了

瞳孔没有颜色 结了冰的长河

回忆是最可怕的敌人



故事情节掉了 主角对白掉了

该属于剧中的对角戏也掉了

胸口没有快乐 断了翅的白鸽

不枯萎的藉口全掉了



So sad... So beautiful....

Nonsensical ramblings

I'm telling myself to frigging pick myself up and stop moping around the house.



I can feel low, but the low's gonna go quickly. This is not what my loved ones deserve. Chris deserves a loving, HAPPY wife and the kids deserve a focused and HAPPY mother. I deserve to be beautiful and HAPPY!



I need a break. Sigh. I need a break to pamper myself. That's not something a breastfeeding mother could do though. Ian's practically stuck with me...



On the other hand, I guess Chris needs a break from us too. And he ain't getting any either. I shouldn't complain. I should be grateful for what is and count the blessings.



Someone please knock hard on my head for being a whiny biatch.



Geesh.

Sunday, October 25, 2009
Today's weather: CLOUDY

I'm feeling moody.



The serotonin did not work on me.



God, is there any reason why people can't look forward more often? Or better still, why can't they just look forward all the time?



Yeah, and I can imagine my kids all grown up, having their own families, and its just Chris and I left in the house, how nice.



Then I remember, we'll have nothing to talk about, nothing to do together, nothing at all... then it got a little scary. He'll do his own stuff and me, mine. Or better still, we'll do our own stuff with different people. Anyone but each other. Oh, that terrible nightmare. Maybe it'll be better if I remain moody and not look forward for now... at least not until my serotonin level increases.



I'll try. I'll try very hard.

Friday, October 23, 2009
Thermage

Ever heard of this word?



It costs about 7k to have one single treatment - to tighten your tummy.



I need one, my tummy is a wrinkled mess without the fats and enlarged uterus to fill it up....



Its just skin left - then there's my intestines immediately beneath that.



Chris is never going to let me do it. He'll say, 'you look beautiful just the way you are'. Arrgh.



I didn't go Compass point in the end; I reckoned it must be much more expensive than the $150 bargain rate. Can March 2010 quickly arrive?

Eyebrow Embroidery

Ok, I've just booked myself for an eyebrow embroidery. Guess when?



Next year MARCH!!!



Can you believe it?



This is how popular the eyebrow specialist is!!!! According to multiple sources, this lady is the only therapist doing EE in that particular salon. And many Mediacorp artistes go to her too. I guess you can say that we have to wait for all good things in life. I don't know if I can hold out till March... Any other better suggestions or recommendations, anyone?



I was thinking of scooting down to Compass Point to check out the rates at Jean Yip Beauty Salon. I bet it'll be very much more expensive...



Maybe I should go now. Ok. Now it is.

Thursday, October 22, 2009
Housewifing around

So I cleared up the study room a bit.



Actually, it looked like A LOT!



Chris had recently cleared it up a teeny weeny bit, but I thought it looked the same, so I had it revamped. A cozy corner to watch DVDs in... the same corner for his gaming escapade, another nook for my sewing machine.



Small change, but big difference!



Hope he likes it.



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I just had the biggest scare of my life.



I had laid Ian in the cradle for his nap, and I went on to do my chores. Then I heard him grunting and making funny noises, not really crying... so I actually ignored him a bit. After some time, he maintained that funny noise, and I started to get a little worried, so I went to check him out...



His beanie pillow had actually covered his whole face and he couldn't breathe or cry properly! I guessed he had shoved the pillow in his own face since I used it to hold his hands down.



Its horrible to think that the pillow would actually have suffocated him if I decided not to check on him! I still shudder at this thought!



Thank God for making me check on him. Really.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Of Love and Obsessions

Chris and I finally picked up the little glass bottle and did the love notes to fill it up last night.



Its supposed to be done like... more than half a year ago? Human are really a procrastinating lot of lazy bums....



Ok, explanations.



These love notes are actually favours we want of each other; written onto and picked from the glass bottle every week. You get my drift right? Well, for the blur-headed... If I picked a favour today that says 'massage my back', Chris would have to massage my back for me. If he picks a favour that says 'dance naked', I'll have to dance naked for him. SOunds kinky? But in actual fact, we have more of practical favours than kinky ones... the latter being mostly out of my doings, hahah.



We had a fun time filling the bottle up with favours, and we had a good laugh over what was written and what was being hoped to be written!



Chris had wanted to write: 'let me do some gaming', which I flatly refused. Well, its supposed to be favours that increases couple interaction, gaming practically kills the mood!



Seriously, I can't wait to start the Favour Game! Woohoo!



On a different note...



I am considering getting my eyebrows embroidered, dark eye circles lightened and tummy tightened (the excess skin that sags is smothering me!) Gotta go to some beauty salon to check out the price. I. Must. Look. Pretty.



Did I mention I'm still 6kg away from my 44kg ideal weight? Sucks when you have a husband who keeps compelling you to eat! Arrgh! This is a time when I wished my depression is back so I can totally reject food. Check out my slimming regime:



Breakfast: cereal with raisins and fresh milk (one small serving)

Lunch: (sometimes none) One slice of bread (with cheese/nutella), or one small cup of steamed corn kernals

Teabreak: (imagine that! Tea break for a dieter?!) an apple, one bottle of chicken essence

Dinner: one table spoon of vegetable/meat, one small bowl of clear soup

Supper: (most of the time none) one glass of milk for lactating mothers, one bottle of berry essence

Note: water consumption and breastfeeding is continuously ongoing.



This is how I went from 62kg to the current 50kg. Of course notwithstanding the fact that Ian, his placenta, amniotic fluid and some blood loss during delivery lightened me up a bit.



Sheesh! The rate I'm going, I wonder if I'm ever going to be able to fit into my double XS nurses' uniform when I return to work next January!


Nevertheless, 44kg is so going to be my eventual weight, it's irrevocable. Inexorable. Inescapable. Without a doubt.



I. Am. So. Obsessed.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Dreams

I just remembered something really hilarious.



You know how understated the lack of sleep that parenting brings about when you have a husband who talks and hand signals in his sleep...



He dozed off on the couch in the living room the other night, and I wanted to cover him with a blanket to keep him from the draft. The movement woke him up - actually it half-woke him.



"How many are there," he asked me.



"What how many?" I asked.



"Scrappers, how many are there on my body?"



"Huh? What scrappers?"



"Diathermy scrappers lah... you don't know meh?" and then he got up in a huff, walked himself to the kids' room and fell back to sleep.



He really didn't wanna know how many scrappers there were on his body... he just wanted to sleep.



I was laughing my head off the whole time. Wait till I tell you about the 'orchestra performance'!

Sunday, October 18, 2009
What's your love language?

Mine is... to have physical contact and spending quality time together. Note that the key word is QUALITY. Not just spending time, but actually making full use of the time to interact and find out more about each other.



Chris's love language is - doing stuffs for your loved ones and of course, like any other men - physical contact. This means As long as I make sure I do stuffs for him, he feels love and I would score points in his 'love bank account'. The physical contact is not a problem since we both carry the same love language - cuddling, kissing, hugging, and the birds and the bees - they all count.



Chris has been doing stuffs for me all the time, cos this is what he's apt at, its his language - but it wouldn't move me, cos my heart doesn't understand this language - its crying out for 'quality time'.



I felt neglected - and told him today.



Its our first quarrel in like... four, five months?



Felt odd. And depressing. But it did end well. At least we resolved our issues and moved on a happier couple.



I have this sentiment because while having our dinner at Tampines1, we witness a bickering couple in their most awkward moment - stonewalling (not speaking to each other). The guy was playing at his PSP, while the woman was tearing tissue papers and making a mess out of the dining table. Incidentally, the guy looking absolutely petrified of his girlfriend and the girl looked like a crazed woman with a Rudolf's nose.



This stonewalling went on for ages, and even as we've finished our dinner and left, they were still not talking to each other.



Their issue wasn't solved, and they had the worst dinner of their life - I bet the burger didn't taste good and their drink was most probably bitter. (maybe in the girl's case it might taste salty since she was mixing her tears into the beverage...)



I told Chris I was glad we talked things out, and he agreed; thinking aloud that quarreling in public, especially in a dining area is an unsightly and messy business to settle.



I remembered we did that once or twice - and we ended up gobbling our food up in anger - and record time somemore! I don't know about him, but my food tasted absolutely atrocious. On hindsight, I should have just thrashed it out before we started dining - such a waste of good food, tsk tsk.



Whatever it is, I'm glad Chris understood my point that he had to love me in my language and not his, and I'm simply ecstatic that he actually was willing to compromise on the very issue I was relentlessly harping on - speding time with me - he said that he would be willing to spend at least one hour everyday with me - just me - no computer, no gaming, no TV. All these, despite having work and the kids to handle.



I think he's sure as hell sweet as sugar! Love him to bits.



He's definitely a changed man. And I didn't change him (no woman can change a man)- he did it all by himself.



So proud of him... (^-^)

Girl watching

I was so pissed today...



Well... logically speaking I shouldn't be so overwhelmed by this phenomenon of 'girl watching', wives and girlfriends get it all the time, don't you? Still, I couldn't help but feel horrible today.



Chris brought me window shopping today. It's actually been a while since we've been to Orchard Road - it has kinda up-scaled a little, I've noticed - and boy, there were so many things to see and buy.



You know you sometimes get this 'you were here with me but I'm still missing you' syndrome from men; well I get it most when we're out. Its like I'm totally an inconspicuous object walking next to him.



Yeah, he'll be talking to you alright - in fact, its just murmuring a sympathetic answer to you - but most of the time, his eyes - and heart - are somewhere else: on other women.



This is usually tolerable for me, as I do girl watch as well. I like pleasant views, and Singapore girls are actually quite a pleasant sight. But digressions asides, I do HATE it when he girl watch and pretends that he's NOT.



I mean, come on! If you wanna do it, be gracious about it! What's with the "No, I was looking at YOU" theory? I really don't buy it.



I'm sure girlfriends out there would be more than happy to share with you a big boobie or a pretty face - just share the view, guys - what's the problem?



It's way much better than the sneaky, averting eyes and embarrassed, guilty look when we catch you looking.



Some tips though:



Tip no. 1: DO not ogle. Girlfriends are human after all - and they do get jealous

Tip no. 2: Be realistic. You can't girl watch like ALL THE WAY - spare your woman some attention. A gentle touch, some undivided attention for a few minutes - it makes us feel better

Tip no. 3: Be discreet. Its so embarrassing to have the girls whom you watch realise that you're watching them - its a little bit of disgrace when the girls 'being watched' kinda sneer at you for having a DOM (dirty old man)as a partner.

Tip no. 4: Do not deny that you are girl watching. A BIG no no! Women are sensitive creatures, and they really KNOW when you are not totally into them. Forget about the lame excuses of 'she happened to be in my line of vision as I was looking at you'. Too lame. And too cheesy. Its really confounding how men can come up with such lame justifications... zzz....



Anyway, the moral of the story is - Chris usually shares his girl watch with me, but there was this one time at a shoe shop, he decided to come up with lame excuses and denied watching (a really pretty girl), I got really mad at him. So to spite him, I bought a head band that costs $12.90 - it was really unnecessary and a splurge - more importantly, it annoyed him to see me buy it.



I was already very kind - women actually buy a Gucci purse or a piece of Goldheart jewelry to spite their men you know?



Blame it on my soft heart and stingy nature.



And oh, before I forget - ladies, do yourselves a favour - be nice to the men when they girl watch - it makes them think you are SO cute to allow this - and then they'll turn their attention on you just to demonstrate their gratitude.



Its a win-win situation. Really.

Friday, October 16, 2009
Hello and welcome back

I've decided to open up part of my journal for public view...



... so that others could judge me.



I learn from people's judgment, and its kinda bored not having an audience sitting through my life story.



This is solely for readership purpose, and I regret to say that the more personal and dark secrets would be kept within the confines of my other private journal in the same name/title.



Basically, do anticipate only lighthearted and knee-slapping entries, with the occasional oomph of 'devilism'.



I'm so dying to fill this 'garden' up with words...



Join me!