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Friday, December 31, 2010

Last blog entry of the year.




I wonder what it's like to be writing in the form of metaphors.




Maybe I should start trying.




Haven't been myself since i saw her yesterday.




I had refused to sleep on my bed last night, getting angry and upset for no reason except to be made to be left alone.




The trauma continued into my dreamland, where horrible things happened.




Somehow this time, however bad the above may sound, it seemed much more serene than the last few times I met her.




Afterall, it's been three years since I found out. I've gotta improve somehow!




I read somewhere, a man(or woman) wrote:




The person who has hurt inflicted upon thyself would eventually forget; the one who inflicts the hurt would remember forever.




I don't understand why.




Why is it that she seems to be leading her life as if she has never intruded mine; yet I continue to struggle?




I've thought about it last night, and I found the answer today.




She has it easy because she doesn't have a conscience.




Her morality tells her that she is not in the wrong, and that it was my husband who'd hurt her.




This kind of person; I do not call a normal being.




This kind of person; I call a "self-proclaimed-high-and-righteous-above-all-else" being.




Her sense of morality must be grossly distorted. I pity her.




While I'm working hard at grieving and forgiving, I made sure I don't fail to remember that she may have had a super sad childhood lacking in people showing her what moral values are.




She is a pitiful sight.




That pretty faced darling walking alone on the street with an evil past not worth mentioning.




I decided to feel better and leave her there on the street.




I've been walking with her the whole of last night and today... When I should've left her there alone.




:)




My last entry for the year, and it's all about her.




Maybe next year, she wouldn't be in my entries or mind any longer.




But then again, next year is only one night away...




Happy new year everyone, may you be blessed with true love and a happy, blessed life ahead!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Clearing my leave today yet I'm back at my clinic - needed to attend to a patient who couldn't postpone.




Did some reading; gonna read some more after lunch, and I'm loving the solitude.




I've always enjoyed being alone. I could read, think and reflect on things people never stopped to ponder their whole lives.




Like how some people give without receiving and are contented that way.




Or how others spend their days hating their jobs and end up never really doing their jobs at all.




Then I'd wonder why aren't I giving when I know I'm going to experience more joy doing it than sulking at how little I could offer.




And how much I love doing what I do everyday because my job teaches me humility, evil, love, compassion, mercenaries, and the uselessness of power.




Then, after all that thinking... I put them to action.




I give whatever I could offer, and realized those were enough:




A lonely woman on the train station needed someone to talk to. I shared part of my life with her and hers with me. I was happy.




A colleague working hard to make ends meet for his big extended family in the month of festivities and I gave what I could offer - lunch and a full tummy.




A little girl who simply wished to ride on the buggy ride my sons were riding on and I carried her onto the ride together with my sons.




These made my days filled with joy.




I just kept giving and giving. And I realized how much I had to offer.




Likewise - life gave back to me in return. I learn that setbacks at work are not all bad.




I learn that not having the duty you requested rostered to you simply means someone else gets theirs granted.




I learn, that if you aren't performing as well in your job as you should - maybe you should just start by loving what you do.




I am thankful for the quiet moments I could reflect.




I am grateful for the wonderful pain-ridden men and women in this world who write things that inspire me.




I'm growing flowers in my sovereign garden today.




:)


This morning's question really stumbled me.




It'd been at the back of my mind for eons now; I never got the guts to pursue the answer.




Real or not, I know its still gonna nag at me until evidence prove something.




The way he'd asked me... reminded me of the time when he asked what I'd do if he'd strayed.




The helpless, sinking feeling... the confused internal turmoil... feelings I've once felt so real... they all came back.




If I'd told you I'd not change what we are now even though the truth sucks; would you dare tell it in my face then?




I doubt so.




I don't know how to rid this lapse in trust.




Yet I am sure it doesn't change the fact that that was then and this is now.




But why am I feeling so hollow?




The part where I needed to know it all so I can know you... what you were... the evil heartless man.




It's not true that the past is not important.




Contrary to beliefs, I am insinuating that we all need to know the past, come to terms and make peace with it, then move on with new found courage unafraid of the uncertainty that the past would come back to haunt us.




I hid from the past; didn't help much.




I'm happier now that I can speak freely of my past hurts and that he understands that it is therapeutic this way.




In fact, this way, the wall between us further erodes with the effect of honesty and openness.




I wonder when his side of the wall would crumple and embrace what's beyond.




I'm doing all I can.




He's the greatest - his childhood, his past, his evil misdeeds, his desire to be a good man, his efforts in our marriage, his dedication to his work...




No one sees it more clearly than I do.




I meant what I said that night.




If I had to do it all over again - I'd still choose you, Chris.




I am what I am because of you and the experiences you gave me.




I'd never have it another way.




:)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

As I was contemplating about my life last night, I came to realize one stark reason for the sufferings bestowed upon me.




People do not get inspired to be better in good times; in fact, they deteriorate.




In good times, people fail to appreciate kindness, inculcate empathy, cherish love.




In good times, people expect to be infallible, invincible, powerful.




I feel that God has planted pain and sufferings to us with a good cause. To remind us of all the goodness waiting to be picked from the sovereign's garden.




Growth is then possible.




Some people may see these as tests of faith; others abhor them to the bones.




For me, I am slowly learning to appreciate the good pain does to me rather than resenting it.




We only hear of the success of prominent figures in this world. But who is to say that they've not been through sufferings to get to where they are?




No one likes to talk about failures. Even if it happened in the past and they are now successful.




No baker talks about the millions of burnt macarons; they'd rather show you the dozen wonderfully baked ones.




Somehow... somebody has got to stand out and show everyone that they are not alone.




You are not a lousy baker just because you've burnt twelve cupcakes; burning them means you've learnt ways not to repeat the same mistakes and grow wiser in your bakery skills.




Who is to say that that lady who is crying her heart out in a dark corner at that popular Irish Pub is never going to find love again?




She'd only realized that she should never pick a man who frequents pubs and dumps women in pubs for a prospective husband.




That said, I wonder what else I have to learn before I stand before God and tell Him that I've lived and learned.




That I've experienced joy in my lifetime as Samantha Teo and would gladly do it again just to touch more lives I didn't manage to.




Change is inevitable. The only choice we could make is to change for the better; or worse.




How many of us already know that love is about giving and not asking for anything in return?




But how many of us really practice what is preached all over?




I have made choices many times over in my (almost 30 years of) life - yet now, as the universe continues to evolve without stopping for a breather, the choice I'm consciously making is the clearest and most positive of all...




I have to put to practice what I've already known all my freaking 30 years (almost) of life.




They are certainly true and I believe them with my heart and soul.




The more I give, the more abundant it is in me.




The staunch believers say that God lives in you. God is you.




I say - forget about where God resides.




Believe, and He simply is.




The pilgrimages to find Him are in fact journeys made to discover ourselves - He is, but all over.




Do I have to actually make a religious trip somewhere to the other side of the world to find out what I truly am?




Or are our lives already one of the many journeys embarked to discover the true selves?




Dish out the bad, and goodness would follow.




Purge the poison, and fresh warm blood would regenerate.




Isn't life all about discovery?




My pilgrimage has not ended. In fact, it'd only end when I've discover all there is in me - and effect necessary changes to welcome goodness.




There is so much to ponder over - but I'm all good.




I have a good guide. He would be yours too, if you let Him.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Sometimes... It just hurts.




It hurts no matter what.




The same kind of heartache I had felt as a kid... When I was left alone to nothingness... With no one to share my thoughts and misery... Misunderstood and unwanted.




I never realized how much the kind of life I'd led as a kid would affect what I do now.




It simply hurts to be alone.




And now... Finally, I have him to share the hurt.




It doesn't matter who caused it... Because whoever did, has given me the opportunity not to be alone anymore.




Days like Christmas, new year and birthdays would continue to remind me of the times when I have spent them alone while he galavanted..




Yet it's days like these he tries so hard to create new memories with me in them.




And I so appreciate his efforts.




I've always wanted to step into a church to ask God why He'd allowed such pain to penetrate me...




Yet today, for the first time when I had the opportunity to speak with Him...




I did not question Him.




Instead... I thanked Him for all that has happened and I decided to put my faith in what has to come.




It was automatic. Pure magical.




Perhaps more hurt and pain would be waiting... Perhaps... The time would come when all would be bygones and we'd be free of the past.




I won't wanna think anymore.




Because right this moment... I have the best gift anyone could give me...




And I intend to be the best gift he deserves since he was a kid.




I wanna take away his pain too... Just like he's slowly taking away mine.




:)

Monday, December 20, 2010

Another walk down memory lane.




It was exceptionally painful today; the dawning moment of bidding farewell to the long-suffering woman I once call me.




He was right beside me.




At first, I could hardly look him in the eye. My hurt was too overwhelming.




Then I convinced myself that this is a different man. This man is different from the man who'd left me struggling with pain and sorrow.




This is the man who'd be walking with me, resurrecting my deadened heart as I release the poison bit by bit.




Why do I not have fond memories of us; I wonder.




I can't remember anything sweet about my marriage prior to what killed me.




Everything is a mess of pain and betrayal. I was blinded before I was killed; a stake right through the centre of my crippled heart.




The place where the wooden stick pierced... It still throbs with pain.




Pain is good. Proves I'm alive.




He says he feels sad that I have to be hurt by such a person. A person we once know as him.




I feel comforted, yet I seem to be hoping for more...




More of what exactly... I'm not sure.




Perhaps a verbal promise of eternal faithfulness... A pact of monogamy till new love comes a knocking? I'd want nothing like before... I'd hope for a clean break before a new relationship with another begins... Not like before... Please let it not happen to me again.




Am I afraid? Definitely.




After all, it's once bitten, twice shy.




How could I not know fear?




I thank God for this fear.




Because it made me aware that I'm not infallible.




It made me humble and put me in my place.




The place where I should've been when we first started.




To be a good wife, supportive and endearing.




What's a super woman without her love?




She is no real woman; she is but a mere figment of our egoistic alter ego.




A woman is no servant to her spouse; she is the guardian angel, the one who holds her man when he's too tired to stand straight.




The one who thinks the greatest of him and makes him feel he is the greatest, when the world forgets his existence.




The one who celebrates his success and eggs him on when he fails; just so he can stand tall again.




Am I such a woman?




I want to be so.




Because this woman, this guardian angel, is all there is that stands overshadowing my fear.




Becoming this woman would've made me immune to my fear.




Because should my fear actualizes, I'd have the strength to carry on knowing that I'll be the best he'd ever known.




Walking down memory lane is hard.




Releasing the aged pain is even harder.




But it soothes me anyhow.




As I know... That once I'm done with everything, I'd be free of fear.




I'd be free to love and trust completely; once more.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Was supposed to shop for groceries with hubs.. In the end I got a little weak-kneed and had to sit and eat a $4.10 frozen yogurt.




I'm so wishing this is a bed instead.




And now I digress.




Used to walk down memory lane and feel all the pain emerging like choke-loads of sewer smell. Causing a momentary loss of consciousness due to lack of oxygen.




Nowadays it's much easier when it comes.




Cos I talk about it.




I no longer fear the dark roads where I walked alone.




The pain is equally intense... Yet I feel comforted that he knows when it strikes.




The pregnancy is wearing me down as usual...




Only because I seem to be pretending that I wasn't pregnant and continue to do all sorts of stunts that a non-preggie does.




Four more freaking months to go before I am free of this bulge.




I'm so going back to my 44kg weight and sexy dresses.




And I'm going to make crazy love.




Not that I don't now *grins*; it's just that I feel less adventurous.




Why am I talking about frivolous things... Okay, my mind is wandering.




Hubs is done with the grocery... Gotta go!




:)

Monday, December 13, 2010

Looking forward to the day Isabelle would be born.




Then I could be skinny once more.




I wish all three kids would grow up fast so I could spend the rest of my life living a romantic life with Chris.




They'd be great kids; not because I'd stress them to be, but because in my heart, they'd be great irregardless of the way they turn out...




It's a mother's perception.




No pressure on them... they just need to grow up to be THEMSELVES.




I dream and dream so hard of the day when Chris and I would be able to holiday together without having to worry about diapers and breast milk.




Can you imagine he didn't throw any major temper for the past two weeks?




He was trying THIS hard to make our annual leave relaxed and happy.




Kudos to my beloved for the effort.




Sometimes his tenacity to change marvels me.




Even though I secretly know that most of it would revert once the work week starts.




This I have to take with a pinch of salt.




He wasn't really taught how to express his emotions well enough as a child. Anger seems to be the only emotion that wouldn't reflect vulnerability.




He hates to show others vulnerability.




Stress, sadness, frustrations, fear, etc are all signs of vulnerability - which explains the frequent bouts of angry episodes.




Anger covers up vulnerability.




This, I've learned from a book.




Books give people such great knowledge.




Sometimes I wished he'd read more often.




My Isaac is like me.




He loves to read.




He has such love for words and books that he amazes me with his vocabulary capacity at this tender age.




And Ian, I love his courage and never-fear little heart.




His capacity to empathize at 15 months marvels me extremely.




I wonder what Isabelle would be like.




Chris says she'd be like me... lovely, yet live like a man.




In other words a TOMBOY.




That's fine too. As long as she has big eyes. Oh please have big eyes!




19 more weeks to go before I see her!




This definitely brings a smile to my weary heart.




I need all the perks to get through fighting pain in a daily regime.




I'm glad at this point in time... I'm on a roller coaster high.




Wondering when the low rides are coming...




Sigh.




It's like standing on a rug constantly fearing that someone would pull it and make me fall...




Always kept on tenterhooks.




Such painful anticipation.




Sigh.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I know that I was advised never to talk about IT to him.




Experts and lay people alike say bringing that subject up would only push him away.




I tried to keep to that rule for two years.




And realized it made me more insane and obsessed.




Maybe what these people are trying to tell me that we don't talk about it in a resentful way.




Maybe... its both healing and therapeutic to talk like adults do and bring closure like lovers do.




I made him realize what it was that scared and obsessed me all this time.




And he made me realize how silly I was to think that.




He showed me his heart.




Like a real man.




I'm glad I chose to do things another way rather than stick to what hadn't been working.




Well... if the way you chose keeps the road bumpy... it really doesn't make any sense not to change path when a filter lane emerges, right?