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My Tw|t Garden
Sunday, July 31, 2011

Had the weirdest encounter at city square mall basement carpark. This black Honda stream three cars in front of us stalled at the exit gantry and we had to divert to the other exit gantry in the next lane.




Somehow the un-civicminded car driver next to us refused to give way and kept inching forward; tailgating the car in front of him so we couldn't shift in front of his vehicle.




Usually I would just shrug it off since there was really no harm in waiting for a civic-minded person to give way...




Yet it was late, kids not had dinner, whining in our vehicle and some other freaking irritating factors led me to feel darn pissed at this unruly gesture.




So I decided to be unruly back.




I showed them (driver & passenger - man and wife) my finger; with a sweet smile no doubt.




I guess that smile added insult to injury and that man was really upset his ego was trampled on. And because hubby moved forward in such a way that that rude man's vehicle was made stuck and had no choice but to let us move in front of him...




He actually got down and stood in front of our vehicle to prevent us from moving off!




Anger can really make people do STUPID things muahahahah!




Then the next thing you know, his passenger also got down to take photos of our vehicle. Like, what the freaking hell are you gonna do with that picture? Post it on youtube?




The police wouldn't entertain cases like INSULTING OF EGO you know?




But they sure do entertain road rage.




Dear Mister... You are a genuine case of road rage. If you think my husband is stupid enough to get down the car and fight you or run you down, you are terribly mistaken.




All the more you are just gonna get my pretty smile and shake of head as I show you another FINGER to further rub it in your face.




In the end people in the darn jam you've created are only gonna get pissed with you for delaying them and be witnesses for us at your road rage.




Next time, be more intelligent and not do things like getting off your vehicle and threatening other drivers.




And tell your wife to buy an iPhone. Nobody uses ancient mobile phones to take pictures of pretty vehicles like ours anymore.




Lame people.




Still ended up having to give way to us and had to receive loads of horns if disapproval from other vehicles behind them.




You should've discreetly let us move in front of you if your driving skills are bad my friend.




No point crying over spilt milk in front of our vehicle like a wounded cat.




That only made us laugh.




Super funny.




:)

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Ah! The wonders of having such a kick ass man for a husband!




You wanna know what made me stick with him despite everything?




Because deep down, I know it's him and nobody else who'll make my knees go weak.




So what if we didn't have a clean slate of life?




Ours would only get cleaner as the years go by...




Some people start theirs clean and the dirty dark secrets just keep leaking out.




For me, I have really nothing to lose and everything to gain.




Just that it still kills me that I still get mentally unstable at times...




Like how I self inflicted tons of bruises on myself when I relapse...




Or last week when I broke the electric fan in the freaking house and almost killed the ghost of haunted past...




Ah! The irony of it all... Is that the kick ass man of a husband chose to standby this jackass woman no matter what.




No more walking away, no more "straighten yourself or I'll walk straight out the door".




He knows I could never be straightened.




This is something permanent that I've inherited despite meticulous care, medical and psychological interventions.




I know where I stand.




I just don't think I deserve any better. Him.




But this life I'm leading; is better.




Stumbling blocks are still there.




The wreaked and scarred still exist.




Just look at what I've downed tonight... In one hour; non stop.




Nougats, cereals, chocolates, oranges, tangerines, longans, carrots, loads of Japanese seaweed...




This... Is the kinda freaking abnormal habit that I don't think I'll ever kick.




I asked if he minds... He says he doesn't.




I think he secretly feels responsible for the state I'm in.




And believe me when I say that I'm not doing this to make him feel guilty.




I seldom do such stuff in his presence anymore; used to, but not anymore.




It's just this space and void I have to fill within me.




Some place cold and dark I couldn't reach to get the lights on.




It comes and goes.




It's been years now and it still comes to say hello once in a while.




You know what's gonna happen eventually dude.




Old stuff haunts.




Even if you say it doesn't matter NOW.




Young people don't understand.




Wait till you earn enough keeps to lecture.




Wait till you've learnt the world of betrayal, deceit, separation and death.




*scoffs*




You still have a long way to go.




I'm done with ours.




I'm enjoying the fruits both sweet and sour.




I'm just this freakishly stubborn stain that won't go away.




And this freakishly stubborn stain loves to wait out a good show.




Let's give it, what? Ten years?




That is... If you even last that long.




*scoffs again*


Where is the glory of yesteryears?




I shouldn't have...




I'm not good enough now.




Self doubt to the point of no return.




Is this what happens to people who've lost their identities?




They get so embroiled in their different roles in their lives that they forget who they really are and what they are really capable of?




No, I really get it that this is not meant to be.




At least find me a way to get out of this predicament.




Mistakes made should be rectified; sometimes, it takes drastic measures.




Will it happen?




I hope so... I way up my neck on this one already.




Like, THIS high okay....




I wish I could just kill someone right now.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Weird day.




Started really lousy, that's backlogged from last night.




Didn't really feel in the mood for work and all, but managed to clear some work despite the physical and mental pain.




Somehow, I no longer have the wish to dish it out in my public blog.




I still have my private one to seek solace from.




I wonder what I'm getting myself into in this life...




I feel as if I've lived forever today.




As though I'm so old and seasoned, no one could surpass what valuable life lessons I could offer.




As much as the pain lingers, and new ones come up, I still feel blessed by the little gifts God has planted in my path.




My three little angels - mummy owe you guys so much.




My beloved love - in you I trust.




My dependable colleagues and friends - you gals are the best.




My clumsy helper - you have made life with three kids that much easier to bear with.




My responsible, pretty boss - you are one-of-a-kind lovely and gracious.




So many people I have to be thankful for... So little time to thank and appreciate...




The uncertainty and pain still lives, but I'll survive; just like how I've managed these few years.




I'm hoping... Hoping that one day, just one day, he would finally become the man that he wants to be.




One day, I'll wake up finally feeling safe and pain-free.




I could leave these hopes for tomorrow - right now, I just wish to enjoy every moment that God has intended for me.




Good or bad, I'll take it in stride.




And that long prayer you did with me today, Chris, was lovely.




We can do it. We can.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

No I'm not okay.




I've realized that perhaps I'll never be.




No it's not okay to have people do bad things to you and yet they appear to be the victims.




It's not okay to be given a life sentence of fluctuating sanity while the sinners enjoy every second of their lives.




It's not okay because you've never been in my shoes and you'll never understand.




It doesn't matter to you does it?




Because you get to start a clean slate. Move on with your freaking life.




As if it has never happened.




Try telling a dead person to freaking do that.




You'd probably be met with a cold rigor-mortified stare.




That's me.




I have a new life, yes. But it doesn't mean what's been done to me didn't happen.




It's all too easy for you. Too easy.




You get to frolic with what's supposed to be mine while I suffer loneliness, self doubt and responsibilities of raising a kid.




And when you're done with him you toss him aside, thinking (suddenly) that your relationship would jeopardize your freaking life and career.




Then you went on with your freaking pretty life as though you've never wreak havoc in someone else's marriage and remain blissfully a saint.




.... when all the while, I'm struggling with medication, healing, fighting insanity, building love out of distrust.




I know life's never fair.




But I detest how the beds of roses are tilted to your side of the world.




I still believe in Karma.




It just hasn't reached you yet.