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My Tw|t Garden
Saturday, June 18, 2011

I'm baffled.




I wonder what triggers the sadness I feel every now and then....




Is it the mood? The songs that caught my attention? The environment? The events that led me to remember?




I can't tell for sure... But I do know for a fact that I hate it when this sadness engulfs me.




It makes me feel lonely and unloved all over again.




I get it. It's not me, it's her. I get it.




But why do I still hurt? After so long? After all the fun and lovely times and memories newly created?




Is this suppose to continue till the end of my life?




Perhaps.




I'm growing to slowly accept that I'll forever be having this painful fragment of my life in my breast pocket... Occasionally jutting out to hurt.




This is part of my life story now. This is part of our journey towards eternal love together.




When I hurt, he'll be there to make it better. This is what matters.




So what if he's a self centered chauvinist who likes to be angry?




He loves me, our children, our family - that's what matters.




Because love - has and will continue to make him a better man.




Because love - will make me a better woman.




Because... Love - is what holds the world together.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The past few days were horrendous. I've managed to sink deep into abyss and lost my way there.




I'm glad it's all over now. The feeling was terrible.




I was back to crying fits and compulsively eating nonsense; something really foreign to me for at least half a year now.




I wonder if his temper had anything to do with it... yet I know for a fact that on my good days, his worst temper wouldn't even make me flinch.




It was just sheer luck that no one had to see the worst side of me since it only came out in the night; where everyone's sleeping - I'm mostly functional in the day.




On hindsight, it's really awful to be acting like that every single minute when I was still hurting. I could almost imagine the guilt and pain I'd instill in him; having to see me in that crazed state.




We've come a long way... and I'm proud of us.




If she is to be crowned the catalyst of our love, then so be it; I'm resigned to the fact that I may never live to see her bitter demise.




See, I still believe that she'd suffer a fate worse than death itself - since karma has a way of finding it's perpetrators.




I just don't think I'll be nearby to see it.




:)

Friday, June 3, 2011

I feel ugly today.




It's days like this that I don't welcome. Words that are said and things that are done make me feel unworthy.




And when I do feel unworthy, I forget how to be happy all of a sudden.




Sometimes I wished I had more focus and intent. This way, I wouldn't have had such problems of insecurity and low self esteem.




I'm so lost and cold right now, sigh.




Vaguely written entry, I know.




Its just being considerate on my part.




After all, having your dirty linen washed in public is not something that's everybody's cup of tea.




:)


I wonder if our dream would come true.




All the anticipation and hope that we could finally have a beautiful place to call home...




It all boils down to one point: money.




Keeping my fingers crossed.




Really hope that we won't have to wait in vain.




Sunday please come quickly!