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My Tw|t Garden
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I'm wrong...

I wonder if writing has ceased to have a therapeutic effect on me.



Somehow, the more I write, the more frustrated I become.



All the empty promises I've made to myself... all the dreams of letting go of the past and moving on... Sigh.



I feel I'm constantly living under the shadow of that wretched woman.



I feel... that I've lost my soul.



Should I be writing it here, I wonder. Maybe it should have been in my private journal... but I really want other women to know how it really feels to be the betrayed... the one who didn't ask for it... the one who was the last to find out.



Somehow... I figure if I don't transform myself into her... I'd be damned. Not that he is still hung up over her... its totally internal, this twisted emotion...



He told me; and I sincerely believe, that their romance developed becaused I wasn't there for him... that I'd neglected him. It was not all physical attraction... it was more emotional.



But I kept feeding my battered mind with the mentality of the obsessed... that if I could just look like; or better than her... I'd win his heart.



Why do I have to do that? Why do I keep thinking that his heart is still away? All these obsessions are making me forget... forgetting that the only way to a happy future together is to Focus. On. Him.



Today, he told me that he felt he had many flaws... he felt so because I kept picking on him... on his temper, on his mumbling, on his violent streak, on his careless nature...



I didn't know what to say... But one thing I know... is that... I have failed. My job was to make him feel like a king, like he was loved and cared for, like happiness is bountiful... in my deepest indulgence of intense jealously of that wretch, I've neglected him YET AGAIN.



When was the last time I massaged his aching shoulder?



When was the last time I trimmed his nails?



When was the last time I hugged and cuddled him in my arms and told him I love him?



Did I praise him today??



Did I look into his eyes when we speak?



Did I even bother to ask if his day went well?



If he ever strayed again, it'd be no one else's but the fault of mine.



Ladies... this, is the vicious cycle of the betrayed, the wounded bride.



Never, ever, step into this ring of deception. Don't even think about it.



It's good that my self awareness is heightened... my mind is still good to think and reflect. You might not be this lucky. Sometimes... the jealously and envy get so intensified, you'd lose yourself in it... and subsequently, your husband.



I have to get over the fact that I've lost round one and concentrate that I won't lose round two, or three, or four... I'd be a dumb ass if I did.



I've gotta pull up my socks cos no one else could've helped...



Snap out of it, Sam.



Don't wait till the apocalypse to realize the folly of your petty and crazed behavior.



He is here by your side unconditionally and you reciprocate with devotion; to him, not to her!



If that wretch refuses to get out of your life, simply exclude her from yours. She would have no ways of entry if you locked her out!



Am I even listening to myself?



God, I'm sorry I've lost faith, and I'm sorry for doubting You.



Talk to me...



This time, I'll shut up and listen.