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Casino Spiele

My Tw|t Garden
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Stone cold.

This is the second time in my life I felt so alone and abandoned. Okay, maybe third, if you consider the time when my dad accused me of finishing up the dinner and not leaving food for Grandpa (I didn't. The food was covered elsewhere and Dad didn't see it).

The second time was when I saw the message that revealed the truth to me.

Today... I felt it. Twice.

So do I count it as four times or what?

I will never, ever have the feel of a gentleman treating me kindly and caressing my hair as if I'm his world. Instead, I'm stuck with a callous man who stares at me crying, stick a tissue at my face roughly, and punch tissue at the tears rolling down my stupid face... when I was overwhelmed with the crappy world of responsibilities. No tolerance was offered to me, I wasn't given the opportunity to even fret and get angry with this freaking world. I was simply demanded to act normal and freaking stop whining and go home on time.

I was supposed to juggle endless tasks with having to reply smses and phone calls, and reminder calls and notfication calls to alert my family that I'm so free to do these stuff.

I didn't even have the chance to pee, poop or eat the whole freaking day, yet the first person I wish would understand, didn't.

He assumed I could choose what I do and yet complete my tasks like a breeze. He assumed I wouldn't panick when I knew it was time for home yet I couldn't have access to the phone to contact him. He assumed I'm a tough cookie who could take rude shouts and insensitive responses after the overwhelming day ends.

I'm cracking, not because I'm crazy, but because sometimes, I wonder if all was worth my effort. If I deserve something better, why wasn't it given to me in the first place, God?

All I can gather is... I don't. I don't deserve shit. Yet I get crap.

All I ask is for someone to give me the time and comfort I yearn after a stressful day, but I come home to a man in front of the lappy surfing for application downloads/ doing housework. Is this what is? Chores chores and more chores? Irregardless whether its done by whoever?

If it isn't chores, I know deep down its going to be gadgets and games and more gadgets. It'll never be me. I could say this one million times and it still will not be my turn to shine in his eyes.

Instead, I get rude stares, irritated responses, stone cold treatment.

And so I've decided. I will wall myself up from now. THe wall is a good thing. I would prevent myself from further hurt, and I couldn't see what's beyond. Not seeing is disbelieving. I'd rather pretend to exist than really exist and hurt.

I know I'm going to collapse one day. Maybe I already have. Looking for another is not an option, so that leaves the choice of rotting behind the wall.

Even if this time, the gentle tries to get in, it'll never be. The wall is built. And it'll be here to stay. I'm officially giving up. God, You can take me anytime. Life hasn't been kind to this wretched soul and this wretched soul is calling it quits. I have no further wish to associate myself with any human emotionally, not even my own flesh and blood, because they only show me how much I've missed.

I wish I would disappear. Maybe not even one would notice; other than the one who needs me around to trample on.

Before I go... can someone tell me how it feels like to have someone kiss your tears away? I've always thought this was very sweet... maybe by hearing your story... I could conjure one of my own...

.... in my next wretched life.