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Casino Spiele

My Tw|t Garden
Monday, December 20, 2010

Another walk down memory lane.

It was exceptionally painful today; the dawning moment of bidding farewell to the long-suffering woman I once call me.

He was right beside me.

At first, I could hardly look him in the eye. My hurt was too overwhelming.

Then I convinced myself that this is a different man. This man is different from the man who'd left me struggling with pain and sorrow.

This is the man who'd be walking with me, resurrecting my deadened heart as I release the poison bit by bit.

Why do I not have fond memories of us; I wonder.

I can't remember anything sweet about my marriage prior to what killed me.

Everything is a mess of pain and betrayal. I was blinded before I was killed; a stake right through the centre of my crippled heart.

The place where the wooden stick pierced... It still throbs with pain.

Pain is good. Proves I'm alive.

He says he feels sad that I have to be hurt by such a person. A person we once know as him.

I feel comforted, yet I seem to be hoping for more...

More of what exactly... I'm not sure.

Perhaps a verbal promise of eternal faithfulness... A pact of monogamy till new love comes a knocking? I'd want nothing like before... I'd hope for a clean break before a new relationship with another begins... Not like before... Please let it not happen to me again.

Am I afraid? Definitely.

After all, it's once bitten, twice shy.

How could I not know fear?

I thank God for this fear.

Because it made me aware that I'm not infallible.

It made me humble and put me in my place.

The place where I should've been when we first started.

To be a good wife, supportive and endearing.

What's a super woman without her love?

She is no real woman; she is but a mere figment of our egoistic alter ego.

A woman is no servant to her spouse; she is the guardian angel, the one who holds her man when he's too tired to stand straight.

The one who thinks the greatest of him and makes him feel he is the greatest, when the world forgets his existence.

The one who celebrates his success and eggs him on when he fails; just so he can stand tall again.

Am I such a woman?

I want to be so.

Because this woman, this guardian angel, is all there is that stands overshadowing my fear.

Becoming this woman would've made me immune to my fear.

Because should my fear actualizes, I'd have the strength to carry on knowing that I'll be the best he'd ever known.

Walking down memory lane is hard.

Releasing the aged pain is even harder.

But it soothes me anyhow.

As I know... That once I'm done with everything, I'd be free of fear.

I'd be free to love and trust completely; once more.