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Thursday, December 30, 2010
This morning's question really stumbled me.
It'd been at the back of my mind for eons now; I never got the guts to pursue the answer.
Real or not, I know its still gonna nag at me until evidence prove something.
The way he'd asked me... reminded me of the time when he asked what I'd do if he'd strayed.
The helpless, sinking feeling... the confused internal turmoil... feelings I've once felt so real... they all came back.
If I'd told you I'd not change what we are now even though the truth sucks; would you dare tell it in my face then?
I doubt so.
I don't know how to rid this lapse in trust.
Yet I am sure it doesn't change the fact that that was then and this is now.
But why am I feeling so hollow?
The part where I needed to know it all so I can know you... what you were... the evil heartless man.
It's not true that the past is not important.
Contrary to beliefs, I am insinuating that we all need to know the past, come to terms and make peace with it, then move on with new found courage unafraid of the uncertainty that the past would come back to haunt us.
I hid from the past; didn't help much.
I'm happier now that I can speak freely of my past hurts and that he understands that it is therapeutic this way.
In fact, this way, the wall between us further erodes with the effect of honesty and openness.
I wonder when his side of the wall would crumple and embrace what's beyond.
I'm doing all I can.
He's the greatest - his childhood, his past, his evil misdeeds, his desire to be a good man, his efforts in our marriage, his dedication to his work...
No one sees it more clearly than I do.
I meant what I said that night.
If I had to do it all over again - I'd still choose you, Chris.
I am what I am because of you and the experiences you gave me.
I'd never have it another way.
:)
It'd been at the back of my mind for eons now; I never got the guts to pursue the answer.
Real or not, I know its still gonna nag at me until evidence prove something.
The way he'd asked me... reminded me of the time when he asked what I'd do if he'd strayed.
The helpless, sinking feeling... the confused internal turmoil... feelings I've once felt so real... they all came back.
If I'd told you I'd not change what we are now even though the truth sucks; would you dare tell it in my face then?
I doubt so.
I don't know how to rid this lapse in trust.
Yet I am sure it doesn't change the fact that that was then and this is now.
But why am I feeling so hollow?
The part where I needed to know it all so I can know you... what you were... the evil heartless man.
It's not true that the past is not important.
Contrary to beliefs, I am insinuating that we all need to know the past, come to terms and make peace with it, then move on with new found courage unafraid of the uncertainty that the past would come back to haunt us.
I hid from the past; didn't help much.
I'm happier now that I can speak freely of my past hurts and that he understands that it is therapeutic this way.
In fact, this way, the wall between us further erodes with the effect of honesty and openness.
I wonder when his side of the wall would crumple and embrace what's beyond.
I'm doing all I can.
He's the greatest - his childhood, his past, his evil misdeeds, his desire to be a good man, his efforts in our marriage, his dedication to his work...
No one sees it more clearly than I do.
I meant what I said that night.
If I had to do it all over again - I'd still choose you, Chris.
I am what I am because of you and the experiences you gave me.
I'd never have it another way.
:)