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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Dear God



Maybe I'm not praying hard enough... maybe I'm not strong enough... maybe...



he REALLY isn't the one for me.



Am I not trying hard enough?



The past week I had been diligently focused on my giving... on being sacrificial and abiding. Is there any capped limit as to how much a lay person could bear?



I knew it was working... he was fantastically elated I had been cleansed... but all the more I feel that he took this for granted.



Still... as the days go by... I'm feeling more sick in the stomach... more sure that I have been made use of again.



Like yesterday... I only wanted him to focus on me... so I asked him nicely to help me charge my phone... like he normally would... and only because I interrupted his online game-playing... I was given a shelling... not that big a shelling, but sufficient enough to tell me how 'important' I was.



Did I not tell you about the morning before this particular shelling?



We were rushing. He was frustrated with all the road users. Ian was crying and screaming in the car. He got mad. So mad. I thought the way he treated me was as if I had SOMETHING to do with all that had happened... like I could have done something.




I did not return the anger or madness, dear God. Instead, I reciprocated the feelings with a positive one. I insisted on SUPPORTING his feeble state of mind.




The apology came. Late in the afternoon. And I was sure I got over it. Because I was training myself not to bear grudges if I decided not to pursue injustice.



This morning... he did not care about my pride again. I was made to feel ridiculous and belittled. He reciprocated my reactions with that of anger. And silence. Do I not get any love at all?




I was so close, so so close to giving up. Yet I'd always bounce back and try again; at least I should be rewarded with some if not a wee bit of love right?



Wrong. It is wrong of me to ask for anything in return. I shouldn't. I should be giving willingly. If a favour or reward has to be returned... then it is not true giving.



Dear Sam



Now that you have answered your own questions, would you please pull your socks up and go apologise to your husband? If you are destined to lead a life as such, bear no grudge and harbour no more negative intentions.



Your ego is NOTHING.



It only makes you evil.



Let go of the evil and trudge on positively.



Life will be better. Life will be happy. Life is contentment.