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Saturday, July 31, 2010
Somehow I don't see anything in front anymore.
I don't even think anymore.
I may seem to be brooding... But it's really empty inside the bird brain.
Tired. Why do I even try. Whether the day is good or not always depends on whether he is happy, frustrated, sad, happy, stressed, pissed. Then I have to react accordingly. I don't even have the freedom to question the type of treatment rendered to me.
Selfish. You ask what then happens to how he feels. Oh, I get it. It's back to the self sacrificial theory (that makes me lose myself) of putting his needs above my own. Right.
Try to keep up with a man who feels frustrated all the time. And one who feels disgraced by his wife wanting to eat free chips at food trials.
All in good humor really. I'm challenged and am feeling the heat right now. I have absolutely no wish to be disgracing anyone by my own behavior and I definitely need no one to show me contempt even in the slightest remark or behavior.
Again I feel this desperate need to be invisible.
And blind.
So I can never, ever see the face that makes me feel less worthy day after day.
A single sigh, a reproaching burrowed brow... Sigh. I can't believe I'm always at the mercy of the random drivers on the road. Yes. Even that! If all of you are not stupidly driving like you own the road... I wouldn't have to handle a disgruntled man who seems never to fail cussing and swearing.
And at the end, I am the one who has to see all these. And endure rude replies and irritated conversations. All because the traffic agitated him.
So I didn't know what I did at the restaurant just now.
Really no clue. So I asked him. To clarify the "frustrated" sigh he accidentally let out.
"nothing". Nothing?
Then with "nothing", I shouldn't be getting any bad vibes isn't it?
I'm tired. If you are disgraced by my eating habits, angered by my efforts to have nice photos taken( all in good faith), negative feedbacks of the photos... Tell me. Because I'm willing to stop disgracing and stifling you. But don't say "nothing". Be cause nothing always mean something.
Always.
I don't even think anymore.
I may seem to be brooding... But it's really empty inside the bird brain.
Tired. Why do I even try. Whether the day is good or not always depends on whether he is happy, frustrated, sad, happy, stressed, pissed. Then I have to react accordingly. I don't even have the freedom to question the type of treatment rendered to me.
Selfish. You ask what then happens to how he feels. Oh, I get it. It's back to the self sacrificial theory (that makes me lose myself) of putting his needs above my own. Right.
Try to keep up with a man who feels frustrated all the time. And one who feels disgraced by his wife wanting to eat free chips at food trials.
All in good humor really. I'm challenged and am feeling the heat right now. I have absolutely no wish to be disgracing anyone by my own behavior and I definitely need no one to show me contempt even in the slightest remark or behavior.
Again I feel this desperate need to be invisible.
And blind.
So I can never, ever see the face that makes me feel less worthy day after day.
A single sigh, a reproaching burrowed brow... Sigh. I can't believe I'm always at the mercy of the random drivers on the road. Yes. Even that! If all of you are not stupidly driving like you own the road... I wouldn't have to handle a disgruntled man who seems never to fail cussing and swearing.
And at the end, I am the one who has to see all these. And endure rude replies and irritated conversations. All because the traffic agitated him.
So I didn't know what I did at the restaurant just now.
Really no clue. So I asked him. To clarify the "frustrated" sigh he accidentally let out.
"nothing". Nothing?
Then with "nothing", I shouldn't be getting any bad vibes isn't it?
I'm tired. If you are disgraced by my eating habits, angered by my efforts to have nice photos taken( all in good faith), negative feedbacks of the photos... Tell me. Because I'm willing to stop disgracing and stifling you. But don't say "nothing". Be cause nothing always mean something.
Always.