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Friday, February 26, 2010
At least.
I've not been taking care of my body recently...
No decent meals... and heavy snacking on unhealthy food...
Keep telling myself that all these would end once the stress level decrease. I'm sure it would. Can see that the amount of unsolved issues are reduced already...
Today, Chris was free labour for a day... he helped me unpack lots heavy stuff at my centre... and organized the place a little, while I slogged at paper work and purchase orders.
Then come evening, he was off to work... night duty. In another ten hours, he'd take over me to watch over Ian while I work. Again. So grateful that he's around. It's hard not to compare him to his old self. The stark contrast is way too obvious to miss.
I told him that I wished we were like this when Isaac was born... and he told me that he wished I was this loving to him then... We both have regrets... but we moved on from there. Someday, I'll learn to appreciate that it all happened for this very reason, that it didn't matter that trust was breached; love was cemented because of it. And trust would eventually return.
When? I really don't know...
I still think of bad things. I still hate that freak who did this to me. I'm still circling in the sea of low self esteem that I can't get out of. I wish I can remove the feeling of inferiority from my heart. I wish my confidence would come back... I've reached my goal of being skinny... so what? It doesn't change the fact that I'd lost to a younger, prettier species of woman.
It doesn't, for the record, change the reality that I've scarred big time for this.
What do I really want? I'm never sure. Sometimes I want to move on... other times... I'm like this: lamenting on stuff I bet you are all weary of hearing.
I feel like puking this very minute.
I am so disgusted with myself.
Freak, just give me more work to do... the mind is almost empty... and the past is ever-ready to fill this space... the sad, miserable, demeaning past... of love lost and found.
At least it was found.
At least...
he's still here.
No decent meals... and heavy snacking on unhealthy food...
Keep telling myself that all these would end once the stress level decrease. I'm sure it would. Can see that the amount of unsolved issues are reduced already...
Today, Chris was free labour for a day... he helped me unpack lots heavy stuff at my centre... and organized the place a little, while I slogged at paper work and purchase orders.
Then come evening, he was off to work... night duty. In another ten hours, he'd take over me to watch over Ian while I work. Again. So grateful that he's around. It's hard not to compare him to his old self. The stark contrast is way too obvious to miss.
I told him that I wished we were like this when Isaac was born... and he told me that he wished I was this loving to him then... We both have regrets... but we moved on from there. Someday, I'll learn to appreciate that it all happened for this very reason, that it didn't matter that trust was breached; love was cemented because of it. And trust would eventually return.
When? I really don't know...
I still think of bad things. I still hate that freak who did this to me. I'm still circling in the sea of low self esteem that I can't get out of. I wish I can remove the feeling of inferiority from my heart. I wish my confidence would come back... I've reached my goal of being skinny... so what? It doesn't change the fact that I'd lost to a younger, prettier species of woman.
It doesn't, for the record, change the reality that I've scarred big time for this.
What do I really want? I'm never sure. Sometimes I want to move on... other times... I'm like this: lamenting on stuff I bet you are all weary of hearing.
I feel like puking this very minute.
I am so disgusted with myself.
Freak, just give me more work to do... the mind is almost empty... and the past is ever-ready to fill this space... the sad, miserable, demeaning past... of love lost and found.
At least it was found.
At least...
he's still here.