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Wednesday, June 27, 2012
I'm with a sleeping Belle, handful of stuff I bought for the house and nursing a sore back from heavy loads.
Then it dawned on me that my heart is sore and tired too.
From all the heavy loads and burden that I carry.
The responsibilities that I made myself take on, the responsibilities that others wouldn't take on, they're simply too much for me to bear at times.
But when you're left with nothing at all, nothing to lose but everything to gain, strength eludes you and there comes a mundane unnatural force that drives you.
I do not know what that's called.
But I sure am not strong enough for all these.
I'm just living life as it is given to me in my face.
Mundane, truckload full of some energy, I cannot fathom.
If I have known all along where my on/off switch is, I'd have turned it off within a split second.
But because I'm clueless, and I cannot stop going, I carried on.
Until someone stops me eventually.
Yes, many speak of strength.
I'm quite certain mine's not.
Just like my little Belle asleep in my arms, with a baggage of stuff and a bagful of Belle's survival needs.
It's not strength that I have that I could carry these.
It's sheer "I have no choice other than this" kind of energy.
Get it?
I got it.
I'm grateful I still have this energy within me, whatever it is.
Because I need anything, anything at all to keep me going - I can't stop now.
The rainbow will come.
Or not.
Then it dawned on me that my heart is sore and tired too.
From all the heavy loads and burden that I carry.
The responsibilities that I made myself take on, the responsibilities that others wouldn't take on, they're simply too much for me to bear at times.
But when you're left with nothing at all, nothing to lose but everything to gain, strength eludes you and there comes a mundane unnatural force that drives you.
I do not know what that's called.
But I sure am not strong enough for all these.
I'm just living life as it is given to me in my face.
Mundane, truckload full of some energy, I cannot fathom.
If I have known all along where my on/off switch is, I'd have turned it off within a split second.
But because I'm clueless, and I cannot stop going, I carried on.
Until someone stops me eventually.
Yes, many speak of strength.
I'm quite certain mine's not.
Just like my little Belle asleep in my arms, with a baggage of stuff and a bagful of Belle's survival needs.
It's not strength that I have that I could carry these.
It's sheer "I have no choice other than this" kind of energy.
Get it?
I got it.
I'm grateful I still have this energy within me, whatever it is.
Because I need anything, anything at all to keep me going - I can't stop now.
The rainbow will come.
Or not.