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My Tw|t Garden
Thursday, July 14, 2011

Ah! The wonders of having such a kick ass man for a husband!




You wanna know what made me stick with him despite everything?




Because deep down, I know it's him and nobody else who'll make my knees go weak.




So what if we didn't have a clean slate of life?




Ours would only get cleaner as the years go by...




Some people start theirs clean and the dirty dark secrets just keep leaking out.




For me, I have really nothing to lose and everything to gain.




Just that it still kills me that I still get mentally unstable at times...




Like how I self inflicted tons of bruises on myself when I relapse...




Or last week when I broke the electric fan in the freaking house and almost killed the ghost of haunted past...




Ah! The irony of it all... Is that the kick ass man of a husband chose to standby this jackass woman no matter what.




No more walking away, no more "straighten yourself or I'll walk straight out the door".




He knows I could never be straightened.




This is something permanent that I've inherited despite meticulous care, medical and psychological interventions.




I know where I stand.




I just don't think I deserve any better. Him.




But this life I'm leading; is better.




Stumbling blocks are still there.




The wreaked and scarred still exist.




Just look at what I've downed tonight... In one hour; non stop.




Nougats, cereals, chocolates, oranges, tangerines, longans, carrots, loads of Japanese seaweed...




This... Is the kinda freaking abnormal habit that I don't think I'll ever kick.




I asked if he minds... He says he doesn't.




I think he secretly feels responsible for the state I'm in.




And believe me when I say that I'm not doing this to make him feel guilty.




I seldom do such stuff in his presence anymore; used to, but not anymore.




It's just this space and void I have to fill within me.




Some place cold and dark I couldn't reach to get the lights on.




It comes and goes.




It's been years now and it still comes to say hello once in a while.




You know what's gonna happen eventually dude.




Old stuff haunts.




Even if you say it doesn't matter NOW.




Young people don't understand.




Wait till you earn enough keeps to lecture.




Wait till you've learnt the world of betrayal, deceit, separation and death.




*scoffs*




You still have a long way to go.




I'm done with ours.




I'm enjoying the fruits both sweet and sour.




I'm just this freakishly stubborn stain that won't go away.




And this freakishly stubborn stain loves to wait out a good show.




Let's give it, what? Ten years?




That is... If you even last that long.




*scoffs again*