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Saturday, April 9, 2011

I felt really stranded today.




The very feeling of being left alone to deal with my own feelings is not something new - yet I kinda hoped for better support.




Yes, it's my own fault for not verbalizing my fears and distress right from the start; I chose to conceal them with anger instead.




Which is why I had so much difficulty in telling you what was wrong with my attitude today.




The more you attributed it to yourself and flared up at me, giving me insensitive comments about my attitudes, the more injustice I develop within my own mental commentary.




Yet somehow, I still believed it was my own fault for not telling you straight away that I wasn't coping well with bad news and having to go visit that particular department again.




I had expected you to just know. And I knew you didn't just know. You had to be told.




Now do you see why I don't have to tell you what happened to me today?




It's all about me not being able to exercise self control amidst stress.




Nothing to do with you or your inability to read my mind - which you don't have to.




It's my own responsibility to tell you what's on my mind and if I don't, I should bear the consequence of it.




I'm just too overwhelmed with the incompetence of the many clinics/hospital staff we'd encountered - and you were too distracted by my weird mood to be able to reach out to me.




I'm sorry I left you wounded today.




I'm sorry I wounded myself today.




I'm sorry I didn't know how else to let you know.




Sometimes, seeing letters forming words on the digitalized screen seem so much easier than saying it all out - it takes the emotion and sarcasm off what's meant to be said - and makes apology so much more sincere.




I'm sorry.