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Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I was momentarily in another world last night.
I was in the world where I had nobody to lean on.
In that world, I assumed that I was able to cope alone; until something broke me.
I couldn't get out of that world; it was awful. Last night was awful.
I wish I needn't return to that world so often...
In fact - I'm returning there lesser and lesser now.
Yet yesterday... was genuinely awful.
Yes I know I'm repeating myself, but it shows the magnitude of my self indulgence in the past last night... It was practically to an extreme of insanity.
And I didn't even realized it had been triggered.
I am still wondering what'd triggered my return to the estranged and distorted world I used to live in.
I remembered that he was exceptionally kind and gentle - he tried to make a detour in that journey I was making...
Unfortunately I didn't take the bait till I dozed off in great sadness.
Well, I woke up not exactly remembering that I was there...
It was that faint, disorientated feeling I felt that led me to my new world.
Exactly.
I felt disorientated in the old world.
That I do not belong.
For the first time in almost 4 years... I felt liberated.
Like I'm finally snapping out of something.
I'm secretly mourning for the lost of my right to grieve - yet elated about my newfound autonomy to happiness.
It's true that my bed of roses may sometimes find a bug or two; yet nothing beats having such a beautiful view of red amidst life's adversities.
I've taken another step away from history - it's not forgotten, but not painfully remembered (at least not as much).
I hope I can truly have the courage to take on my new task - that of an angel I promised to be to someone.
A promise I've given yet failed to fulfill.
You need to heal too.
We have such bright and happy future together.
With Isaac, Ian and Isabelle...
Together... we'll conquer all odds.
I was in the world where I had nobody to lean on.
In that world, I assumed that I was able to cope alone; until something broke me.
I couldn't get out of that world; it was awful. Last night was awful.
I wish I needn't return to that world so often...
In fact - I'm returning there lesser and lesser now.
Yet yesterday... was genuinely awful.
Yes I know I'm repeating myself, but it shows the magnitude of my self indulgence in the past last night... It was practically to an extreme of insanity.
And I didn't even realized it had been triggered.
I am still wondering what'd triggered my return to the estranged and distorted world I used to live in.
I remembered that he was exceptionally kind and gentle - he tried to make a detour in that journey I was making...
Unfortunately I didn't take the bait till I dozed off in great sadness.
Well, I woke up not exactly remembering that I was there...
It was that faint, disorientated feeling I felt that led me to my new world.
Exactly.
I felt disorientated in the old world.
That I do not belong.
For the first time in almost 4 years... I felt liberated.
Like I'm finally snapping out of something.
I'm secretly mourning for the lost of my right to grieve - yet elated about my newfound autonomy to happiness.
It's true that my bed of roses may sometimes find a bug or two; yet nothing beats having such a beautiful view of red amidst life's adversities.
I've taken another step away from history - it's not forgotten, but not painfully remembered (at least not as much).
I hope I can truly have the courage to take on my new task - that of an angel I promised to be to someone.
A promise I've given yet failed to fulfill.
You need to heal too.
We have such bright and happy future together.
With Isaac, Ian and Isabelle...
Together... we'll conquer all odds.