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My Tw|t Garden
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Throwing stones haphazardly...

I wonder if this is going to be the last time for me to do such stunts.



Sometimes, my mind simply clouds up too much to move forward, leaving me in a stranded situation - I could neither run nor hide.



Times like this seems to come rather frequently these days, and therapy made it stark obvious. Still, it felt good while it lasted... I meant the 'stone throwing' incident.



It might not even matter for the party concerned, but it meant something for me. That I'll forever be stagnant and stranded in the dead sea unless I CHOOSE to move my freaking butt!



CHOICE - its a big word for me... means I'll have to take responsibility for what happens next. And I still couldn't find the lost confidence to pick up the pieces and look forward all the time...



Most times... I do... but there are just some occasions that utterly made me turn back to look... self-inflicted pain - my therapist calls it.



One day, I'm going to kill myself if I'm not careful - and I'll have no one to blame - not even her.



No one says its gonna be easy - this healing...



But its getting to be quite unbearable for me.



Its a fortuitous thing that I got the men in my life to pull me through - my sons, and the man who incidentally got me into this situation in the first place.



Sometimes I wonder if he's just returning the debt he owes me... yet most times, I simply feel that he's the best I'd ever get in this lifetime.



Am I ever, ever going to end this internal turmoil?



Choose wisely, Sam, for when the going gets tough... you've gotta be tough to get going.