My Tw|t Garden
My Ch@t Garden
My Affil|ates Garden
My W|sh Garden
My Arch|ve Garden
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Not that random really.
These are gonna be really organized thoughts.
Of how I'm gonna fight and keep on fighting for what I believe in.
That people forge relationships for reasons unfathomable to human.
That one is always right for another.
The strong is linked to the weak to support and hold.
The calm is linked to the anxious for peace.
The chatter is linked to the listener for an audience.
Giver or taker, doesn't really matter. We all owe one person or another.
It's good to be owing someone you love anyway.
I can't walk away.
But I can make things better or worse.
I'd never have imagined my life to be like so, and when it really sank in, all I could think of was how much time I've wasted not doing anything about it; wasting it away playing the victim role, forgetting the ones who are the true victims.
I can never stress enough how difficult it is to wear my shoes. And how difficult it is not to be able to express my life story as an open book.
It's restricted zone now.
Yet with this new found quietness, I've managed to work something out on my own. Again.
So I do not really need to share it all to get inspirations.
The brain is such a powerful tool.
All I have to do is persevere.
There is a reason why I'm here.
And I've already convinced myself that it's worth it.
Help me out here, I know You didn't plan for this, but yeah, I accept with grace, this task You bestow upon me.
I can do this. You will get Your son back from the devil eventually. And I would be the one to hold his hand when he's ready.
Our three angels would make sure of that. :)
Monday, January 21, 2013
Everything's in limbo.
I mean every part of my life is.
It's like stuck in this ridiculous state of being where I could neither move forward nor backwards.
It's like death; yet not quite.
Oh believe me I've gone through every possible mean of dying.
It's just too wrong to do it considering that I have three other human beings I'm responsible for. At least for the next 21 years till they could each call their own shots in life.
No really. Where am I?
Everyday just passes by in a whizz and a whirl and nothing seems clear to me.
Have lost my zest for life.
Even work seems like a torture nowadays.
Everything seems to be a reminder of my pathetic existence.
I need major help.
Oh but wait.
Where do I find time to go see a specialist who could help me?
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Madness. Cyclical brain storm
Not the good kind of brainstorm.
This is one major cycle I'd like to get out of.
Feel like a hamster running on his training wheel forever.
It's making me dizzy, and sick.
I need to find a solution.
Can't run away from it.
Can't stash it aside and pretend its not happening.
I can do this.
Like I always do.
Nothing is impossible.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
That I have.
Can't sleep after certain chore.
Super disturbed by this behavior.
Can't seem to be able to do anything about it.
The angry man is snoring away though.
No, it's not the snore that keeps me awake. It's something else. I can't tell. But I sort of know.
Pretty sad actually.
I need to really get a life.
The epitome of foolishness: me.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
So we add some love to the cup everyday and see it blossom into something beautiful.
What if some love was taken from the cup everyday?
The flower of love gradually withers and die, never to see daylight ever again.
I am never a selfish person; I could never understand how these people live their lives.
How microscopic their views of the world are, how incapable of unpretentious love.
These people literally eat their lives away with repetitive rejection of basic human interaction; the kind that makes love blossom.
Then subsequently people around them give up trying; and they'd blame these people for giving up.
How then, could anyone understand the anguish of the trying parties?
Having to face; time and again, rejection and unloving retorts?
When it's time to let go; let go.
How difficult could it be?
No one but the people involved know.
Painful, prolonged, bitter and sad.
But at the end of this long, long journey, these people can proudly say that they did their best.
I stared at my daughter for the longest time when she was asleep this evening.
If I had never decided to try after what has happened, she, and Ian, would never have the opportunity to call me mummy.
Yet because of their presence, my decision has been time and again, delayed.
How can I possibly do this?
I really don't know.
I try to act brave. Tough. Heartless even.
At the end of the painful day, I'm just a broken, terrified damsel waiting for someone to rescue me.
Someone who'll never come.
This I'm certain.
The cup is empty.
Emptied by the one single person who matters.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
This yoyo-ing effect of fluctuating between insomnia and too much sleep is freaking me out.
Just yesterday I felt like doing nothing but sleep, then today I'm all hyperactive and can't seem to shut my eyes.
And this happens everyday single day!
Like up and down roller coaster riding....
Moody. Truly moody.
When you say wits end, I think you don't really know the intensity of it until you experience it yourself.
I'm at my wits end.
Such a subjective statement. Yet how do I explain it to people I know?
I can only pray that it'll all work out.
One way or another.
Safety is ultimately the primary goal.
I know I don't make sense.
My life doesn't make sense either.
Just lots of emotions, lots of challenges, lots of what ifs.
If I can say what if, it means I have them. Regrets.
But moving forward, the best medications for regrets is not to think about them.
Since nobody would give a damn eventually.
No one does other than yourself.
This is just a nonsensical entry.
I can't write anything here.
They're mostly in my notes on my iPhone. Weird but yeah, the notes app is my new journal.
I can ramble on and on, but what I really wanna do is to get it done.
What? That, you may ask.
I don't know too.
The ending, is only sealed, when it comes.
I really need some rest.
Like I could get it.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
If I had a choice...
That's as good as saying 'maybe...'
And I'm not a person to say that.
What's happened has happened and nothing we say or do would make a difference.
Thinking about what is not possible would only make a person feel worse; never better.
I know that. I'm not gonna start.
Started the new year doing mundane stuff as usual.
But the weight loss seems to be going well.
One day, I'm going to be so skinny again.
And Ian's gonna say I'm pretty everyday.
He asked me on 1st January why I didn't wear pretty clothes; I told him we're not going out, so it's okay that I wear pj at home.
"But I like you to wear pretty clothes. Mummy is very very pretty!"
He's a darling.
Then he called me darling too.
"Because I like you, so I copy mummy say darling!"
I know I lost some weight, but it's not enough yet.
Cos Isaac mentioned I looked fat the other day.
Like his daddy.
School starts in another 7-8hours. His first day in primary school.
My mum used to make us fried beancurd with big head onions on our first days of school. So we can top our classes.
Suddenly feel like going out to the supermarket to buy some ingredients for that dish.
Then I remembered I didn't even have to do that. He could easily top his class without superstitious help.
Man, this boy is not easy to raise.
Too smart to tame.
Then there's the bubbly girl.
She's a doll.
And I love her to bits.
Totally see myself in her; all the time.
She runs, she climbs, she falls, she runs and climbs again.
Total fighter spirit.
How not to love her?
This is all of me now. My children.
There is no choice to make...
It's them; or nothing.