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Saturday, October 16, 2010

My heart is aching so bad...




I just realized something... Something that dawned on me after almost ten years...




Something I must keep to myself no matter what.




I'm so devastated.




To allow myself to continue in disillusionment.




For so so long.




Damn, my heart is really ACHING badly.




The last I felt this way was...




Never mind.




I'm fine with what I have despite the ache.




I'm telling myself that it all may not be worth it in the end, but I've led a life answerable to God.




I try so hard at everything I do. I make sure I deliver the best if not the most excellent.




I dabble not in betrayal, deceit, revenge nor all other morality vices.




My moral values are the ones I treasure the most.




Yet I've indulged in hitting myself with all these vices.




I must be a fool.




Yes. A fool.




Right now, lying alone on this dreaded bed in the dark, I face the demon alone.




The aching heart doesn't help the situation at all.




But I'm comforted.




That all these would come to pass, as I begin my life without disillusions.




Reality sucks; I know. But at least it's real.




To have and to hold someone by my side is real.




Everything else...




Is history.




I always deliver what I promise.




And I promise myself that I'll do everything I can...




To get myself out of this mental mess.




Time for bed. I need a dreamless night. Please. Dreamless.