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My Tw|t Garden
Friday, September 3, 2010

The pain is not excruciating, but it's still a pain.




Seriously doubt I'd miscarry. But the thought fleetingly passed through my mind.




I know for a fact that prolonged walking and standing wouldn't harm the fetus in any way. That's why I didn't complain.




I know feeling giddy and nauseated and in need of peeing yet thirsty are part and parcel of breastfeeding in pregnancy; I see no need in complaining either.




I did not expect him to read my mind and facial expression at all.




All I ask... Is at the first sight of me squatting down - he'd think I'm in terrible pain rather than I'm disgracing him.




I remembered years back when I had a terrible bout of diarrhea; so bad that I had to go every five minutes, I squatted down because I was super giddy and weak in the knees. He gave me that SAME angry look and told me to get up immediately.




I did not get to hear him just now. But I remembered that LOOK.




You would ask me why squat when you know he'd feel disgraced?




Erm... Because I was really gonna faint stat if I don't?




If I were gonna faint immediately, would I have the time to tell him and wait for him to find me a place to rest? My sense of logic would have already assessed the area and common sense would've told me that no way in ten seconds would I have been rested before a fainting spell.




I know I disgrace him all the time.




This is one. Then there's this constant trying of free food. And talking too loudly. And dressing weird. And eating in the most unladylike manner. And looking ugly. And....





There's just too many to list.




I'm totally devastated now.




Maybe it's my pregnancy increasing my sensitivity to the situation. But I'm crying myself silly in front of everyone in the train.




Writing managed to stop my crying.




Phew.




Tomorrow, I'll just have to wake up thinking it's my fault and how I've overreacted and mishandled the situation.




I wished I'd knew better how to react.




Because right there and then...




I really felt like dirt in his eyes, birdshit on his car, ear wax in his ears.