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Monday, April 16, 2012
I don't know where to begin.
This nagging feeling that I should never have stayed.
It's eating me.
It's as if I've brought harm to my own children. And to myself.
This would never change. Don't ask. I just knew.
I'm now in this state of absence and I'm trying real hard to come to terms with it so I can come up with a contingency; a solution to my permanent problem.
I am usually quite good at that.
Now I'm just totally dysfunctional.
The only thing I'm good at now; is gorging myself silly.
I'm so gonna balloon up in two weeks time.
The carbo alone is enough to kill an elephant. SIGH!
I can never talk sense into it.
I could never step away from it.
I couldn't even bring myself to forgive as I've always did.
Because I just chillingly know... That if I tolerate this any further, I'm gonna bring death one day. Death to either me or the kids.
Or worse. The horror of this kind of life re-enacting in their future lives is enough to freak me out.
What should I do?
I'm so tired.
It's like I'm in this alone.
Who can I tell?
What should I do?
How should I do it?
Who can I trust?
I'm so so tired....
This nagging feeling that I should never have stayed.
It's eating me.
It's as if I've brought harm to my own children. And to myself.
This would never change. Don't ask. I just knew.
I'm now in this state of absence and I'm trying real hard to come to terms with it so I can come up with a contingency; a solution to my permanent problem.
I am usually quite good at that.
Now I'm just totally dysfunctional.
The only thing I'm good at now; is gorging myself silly.
I'm so gonna balloon up in two weeks time.
The carbo alone is enough to kill an elephant. SIGH!
I can never talk sense into it.
I could never step away from it.
I couldn't even bring myself to forgive as I've always did.
Because I just chillingly know... That if I tolerate this any further, I'm gonna bring death one day. Death to either me or the kids.
Or worse. The horror of this kind of life re-enacting in their future lives is enough to freak me out.
What should I do?
I'm so tired.
It's like I'm in this alone.
Who can I tell?
What should I do?
How should I do it?
Who can I trust?
I'm so so tired....