Embrace the sOjOurn

2012-01-03T14:14:00.001+08:00

Not that much of a happy ending.

There never was.

The end is only when death sets upon you; all other times - they're simply highs and lows of your life that you struggle to cope with.

You don't see happy endings in photos; they're just frozen happy highs of your life set to remind you of what you should aim to achieve everyday.

Note to self: "aim" doesn't mean it's a definite entity.

People fail, children fall all the time.

It just irks me that people remember the lows more frequently than they reminisce the highs.

Particularly yours truly.

It's funny how I laugh at whiners who lament about their pathetic situations when I know for a fact that I do that all the time.

At least the only comfort is that I whine mostly to myself; or at least not directly to a person.

Yes, so what if I love to publicize my feelings in a virtual world?

Try having betrayal for breakfast, abandonment for lunch, disrespect for dinner and silence for supper.

That'll make anyone cut ties with the real world.

I'm at one of my lows once again.

Not very proud of it, but oddly happy enough to know that it will turn tide sooner or later.

2011-11-21T23:48:00.001+08:00

Waiting patiently for my beloved to return home from work. It's been a long day for him.

People don't realized, that he doesn't just start and stop work at the appointed time... He works almost 20 hours a day; starting from 6.30am every morning - rain or shine.

He sends the kids to school, irregardless of his shift, he loiters outside if he is on afternoon/night shifts, he rushes to work after dropping me AT work, he buys groceries when it's his off day.

He is working all the time, just so I can work less at home and concentrate more AT work.

Soon, he'd be relinquished of all these. Soon he'll be the one concentrating ON working and leaving the household mundanes to me.

And that is when I'll give him all of me to make him the most blissful man on earth.

It's no wonder he gets tired and sick so often nowadays; he does SO much.

I had never seriously really thought about it until now.

This is something I've gotta do. For him, for me, for us, for the kids.

And I'm looking forward to the day where his ear digging, nails cutting, home facial days are back - courtesy of his beloved me.

I'm never a keen career woman; made so but never wished so.

I'm a home body. A pillar of a successful man I've always wished to be.

Sigh. Really missed the good old days where I never will doze at the opportunity of a good five seconds of stoning.

Perhaps it's old age, the three kids, or simply work; I never could keep my eyes open long enough to trim his nails...

And I missed the weekly dates we always found time for...

Christmas is coming.

I wish for a better year ahead.

With him.

Sans his green monster alter ego.

2011-11-20T20:12:00.001+08:00

There are times when you realized that nothing in this world is forever.

Everything has it's transient state; be it a relationship, the items you own.

Friends come and go, people change their partners like an everyday affair...

I've told myself that I know this for a fact yet sometimes, I feel baffled by my lack of ability to sustain any form of relationship.

No man is an island; yet, who needs an island to survive?

Perhaps it's me. Perhaps it's the type of people I've met since young who had carved out the kinda person I've becomed.

I'm skeptical, I'm critical, I'm wary and scary.

No one likes this kinda person. No one.

I'm fine with that. I guess it's really very hard to live with myself, lest another human being.

At the end of the day, I ask myself what is it that matters to me the most...

Family?

I could sacrifice everything for them, at the end of the day, I know I may not be guaranteed the kinda loyalty I expect.

Yet if you ask me; I think this is much more appropriate than laying your life down for a friend.

My two cents worth.

Stay away from me, really.

I don't deserve anyone.

2011-10-08T13:48:00.001+08:00

Now I know how Isaac felt when he cries and cries yet no one offered a hug.

I'll never devoid him of that hug. Ever again.

2011-09-16T03:55:00.001+08:00

I don't really have much to write about these days.

I find myself a bore indulging in repetitive self pity.

Somehow, it managed to keep me sane; for a while.

Lots of stuff are happening these few months. And the next.

And with every additional new, unpredictable event, we seem to be adding more strain to our somewhat blossoming love life.

I guess this is life.

Never a bed of roses, yet the thorns simply irritates you.

The only saving grace is that with age comes wisdom and experience; somehow we managed to scrape past whatever disagreement and unhappiness without much harm.

It's just that... I'd wish for more.

More time, more tolerance, more patience.

And less of anger.

When would the day come when:

A) I get myself immuned to anger indirectly directed at me

B) I don't see anger anymore

C) We could compromise about the method of stress relieve

We've been each other's punchbags for the past few months; thankfully both of us are somewhat unscathed, albeit sore.

I pray that in the next few months to come, the punchbags would make way for massage chairs; wouldn't it be fantastic if we could do that, honey?

Sigh.

Six more weeks.

It's all we need to a good night's sleep.

2011-09-10T03:02:00.001+08:00

Not in the best of shapes.

Yet I refuse to admit defeat.

It's just not me.

I do not have to justify to others what I do. These people should jolly well look at themselves before pointing fingers at others.

True that these 'pests' are everywhere, can't hide from them.

Can't eradicate then either.

One day, just one day... I'd like to see the world come full circle.

I'd be happy to know that those who've suffered and persevered be rewarded with the joy of seeing these pests' demise.

I can do this.

I can because he's here for me; well not always but often enough.

And no I'm not talking about Him him, but the spouse him :)

I just wished I had more time for my family though.

I need a major work-life reconstruction.

Like, MAJOR major.

2011-07-31T02:09:00.001+08:00

Had the weirdest encounter at city square mall basement carpark. This black Honda stream three cars in front of us stalled at the exit gantry and we had to divert to the other exit gantry in the next lane.

Somehow the un-civicminded car driver next to us refused to give way and kept inching forward; tailgating the car in front of him so we couldn't shift in front of his vehicle.

Usually I would just shrug it off since there was really no harm in waiting for a civic-minded person to give way...

Yet it was late, kids not had dinner, whining in our vehicle and some other freaking irritating factors led me to feel darn pissed at this unruly gesture.

So I decided to be unruly back.

I showed them (driver & passenger - man and wife) my finger; with a sweet smile no doubt.

I guess that smile added insult to injury and that man was really upset his ego was trampled on. And because hubby moved forward in such a way that that rude man's vehicle was made stuck and had no choice but to let us move in front of him...

He actually got down and stood in front of our vehicle to prevent us from moving off!

Anger can really make people do STUPID things muahahahah!

Then the next thing you know, his passenger also got down to take photos of our vehicle. Like, what the freaking hell are you gonna do with that picture? Post it on youtube?

The police wouldn't entertain cases like INSULTING OF EGO you know?

But they sure do entertain road rage.

Dear Mister... You are a genuine case of road rage. If you think my husband is stupid enough to get down the car and fight you or run you down, you are terribly mistaken.

All the more you are just gonna get my pretty smile and shake of head as I show you another FINGER to further rub it in your face.

In the end people in the darn jam you've created are only gonna get pissed with you for delaying them and be witnesses for us at your road rage.

Next time, be more intelligent and not do things like getting off your vehicle and threatening other drivers.

And tell your wife to buy an iPhone. Nobody uses ancient mobile phones to take pictures of pretty vehicles like ours anymore.

Lame people.

Still ended up having to give way to us and had to receive loads of horns if disapproval from other vehicles behind them.

You should've discreetly let us move in front of you if your driving skills are bad my friend.

No point crying over spilt milk in front of our vehicle like a wounded cat.

That only made us laugh.

Super funny.

:)

2011-07-14T23:24:00.001+08:00

Ah! The wonders of having such a kick ass man for a husband!

You wanna know what made me stick with him despite everything?

Because deep down, I know it's him and nobody else who'll make my knees go weak.

So what if we didn't have a clean slate of life?

Ours would only get cleaner as the years go by...

Some people start theirs clean and the dirty dark secrets just keep leaking out.

For me, I have really nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Just that it still kills me that I still get mentally unstable at times...

Like how I self inflicted tons of bruises on myself when I relapse...

Or last week when I broke the electric fan in the freaking house and almost killed the ghost of haunted past...

Ah! The irony of it all... Is that the kick ass man of a husband chose to standby this jackass woman no matter what.

No more walking away, no more "straighten yourself or I'll walk straight out the door".

He knows I could never be straightened.

This is something permanent that I've inherited despite meticulous care, medical and psychological interventions.

I know where I stand.

I just don't think I deserve any better. Him.

But this life I'm leading; is better.

Stumbling blocks are still there.

The wreaked and scarred still exist.

Just look at what I've downed tonight... In one hour; non stop.

Nougats, cereals, chocolates, oranges, tangerines, longans, carrots, loads of Japanese seaweed...

This... Is the kinda freaking abnormal habit that I don't think I'll ever kick.

I asked if he minds... He says he doesn't.

I think he secretly feels responsible for the state I'm in.

And believe me when I say that I'm not doing this to make him feel guilty.

I seldom do such stuff in his presence anymore; used to, but not anymore.

It's just this space and void I have to fill within me.

Some place cold and dark I couldn't reach to get the lights on.

It comes and goes.

It's been years now and it still comes to say hello once in a while.

You know what's gonna happen eventually dude.

Old stuff haunts.

Even if you say it doesn't matter NOW.

Young people don't understand.

Wait till you earn enough keeps to lecture.

Wait till you've learnt the world of betrayal, deceit, separation and death.

*scoffs*

You still have a long way to go.

I'm done with ours.

I'm enjoying the fruits both sweet and sour.

I'm just this freakishly stubborn stain that won't go away.

And this freakishly stubborn stain loves to wait out a good show.

Let's give it, what? Ten years?

That is... If you even last that long.

*scoffs again*

2011-07-14T02:42:00.001+08:00

Where is the glory of yesteryears?

I shouldn't have...

I'm not good enough now.

Self doubt to the point of no return.

Is this what happens to people who've lost their identities?

They get so embroiled in their different roles in their lives that they forget who they really are and what they are really capable of?

No, I really get it that this is not meant to be.

At least find me a way to get out of this predicament.

Mistakes made should be rectified; sometimes, it takes drastic measures.

Will it happen?

I hope so... I way up my neck on this one already.

Like, THIS high okay....

I wish I could just kill someone right now.

2011-07-05T23:22:00.001+08:00

Weird day.

Started really lousy, that's backlogged from last night.

Didn't really feel in the mood for work and all, but managed to clear some work despite the physical and mental pain.

Somehow, I no longer have the wish to dish it out in my public blog.

I still have my private one to seek solace from.

I wonder what I'm getting myself into in this life...

I feel as if I've lived forever today.

As though I'm so old and seasoned, no one could surpass what valuable life lessons I could offer.

As much as the pain lingers, and new ones come up, I still feel blessed by the little gifts God has planted in my path.

My three little angels - mummy owe you guys so much.

My beloved love - in you I trust.

My dependable colleagues and friends - you gals are the best.

My clumsy helper - you have made life with three kids that much easier to bear with.

My responsible, pretty boss - you are one-of-a-kind lovely and gracious.

So many people I have to be thankful for... So little time to thank and appreciate...

The uncertainty and pain still lives, but I'll survive; just like how I've managed these few years.

I'm hoping... Hoping that one day, just one day, he would finally become the man that he wants to be.

One day, I'll wake up finally feeling safe and pain-free.

I could leave these hopes for tomorrow - right now, I just wish to enjoy every moment that God has intended for me.

Good or bad, I'll take it in stride.

And that long prayer you did with me today, Chris, was lovely.

We can do it. We can.

2011-07-02T01:28:00.001+08:00

No I'm not okay.

I've realized that perhaps I'll never be.

No it's not okay to have people do bad things to you and yet they appear to be the victims.

It's not okay to be given a life sentence of fluctuating sanity while the sinners enjoy every second of their lives.

It's not okay because you've never been in my shoes and you'll never understand.

It doesn't matter to you does it?

Because you get to start a clean slate. Move on with your freaking life.

As if it has never happened.

Try telling a dead person to freaking do that.

You'd probably be met with a cold rigor-mortified stare.

That's me.

I have a new life, yes. But it doesn't mean what's been done to me didn't happen.

It's all too easy for you. Too easy.

You get to frolic with what's supposed to be mine while I suffer loneliness, self doubt and responsibilities of raising a kid.

And when you're done with him you toss him aside, thinking (suddenly) that your relationship would jeopardize your freaking life and career.

Then you went on with your freaking pretty life as though you've never wreak havoc in someone else's marriage and remain blissfully a saint.

.... when all the while, I'm struggling with medication, healing, fighting insanity, building love out of distrust.

I know life's never fair.

But I detest how the beds of roses are tilted to your side of the world.

I still believe in Karma.

It just hasn't reached you yet.

2011-06-18T00:06:00.001+08:00

I'm baffled.

I wonder what triggers the sadness I feel every now and then....

Is it the mood? The songs that caught my attention? The environment? The events that led me to remember?

I can't tell for sure... But I do know for a fact that I hate it when this sadness engulfs me.

It makes me feel lonely and unloved all over again.

I get it. It's not me, it's her. I get it.

But why do I still hurt? After so long? After all the fun and lovely times and memories newly created?

Is this suppose to continue till the end of my life?

Perhaps.

I'm growing to slowly accept that I'll forever be having this painful fragment of my life in my breast pocket... Occasionally jutting out to hurt.

This is part of my life story now. This is part of our journey towards eternal love together.

When I hurt, he'll be there to make it better. This is what matters.

So what if he's a self centered chauvinist who likes to be angry?

He loves me, our children, our family - that's what matters.

Because love - has and will continue to make him a better man.

Because love - will make me a better woman.

Because... Love - is what holds the world together.

2011-06-13T09:29:00.001+08:00

The past few days were horrendous. I've managed to sink deep into abyss and lost my way there.

I'm glad it's all over now. The feeling was terrible.

I was back to crying fits and compulsively eating nonsense; something really foreign to me for at least half a year now.

I wonder if his temper had anything to do with it... yet I know for a fact that on my good days, his worst temper wouldn't even make me flinch.

It was just sheer luck that no one had to see the worst side of me since it only came out in the night; where everyone's sleeping - I'm mostly functional in the day.

On hindsight, it's really awful to be acting like that every single minute when I was still hurting. I could almost imagine the guilt and pain I'd instill in him; having to see me in that crazed state.

We've come a long way... and I'm proud of us.

If she is to be crowned the catalyst of our love, then so be it; I'm resigned to the fact that I may never live to see her bitter demise.

See, I still believe that she'd suffer a fate worse than death itself - since karma has a way of finding it's perpetrators.

I just don't think I'll be nearby to see it.

:)

2011-06-03T23:06:00.001+08:00

I feel ugly today.

It's days like this that I don't welcome. Words that are said and things that are done make me feel unworthy.

And when I do feel unworthy, I forget how to be happy all of a sudden.

Sometimes I wished I had more focus and intent. This way, I wouldn't have had such problems of insecurity and low self esteem.

I'm so lost and cold right now, sigh.

Vaguely written entry, I know.

Its just being considerate on my part.

After all, having your dirty linen washed in public is not something that's everybody's cup of tea.

:)

2011-06-03T22:43:00.001+08:00

I wonder if our dream would come true.

All the anticipation and hope that we could finally have a beautiful place to call home...

It all boils down to one point: money.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

Really hope that we won't have to wait in vain.

Sunday please come quickly!

2011-05-31T14:11:00.001+08:00

Inner peace.

That's liberating.

How not to be affected by what's happened to our physical body and instead, focus on what's to be kept intact within.

Have you found yours?

Then again, it takes a lot of effort to maintain that inner peace consistently.

All it takes is just one second away from focus - and you get stumped.

This is how tough God has made attaining contentment to be.

Have I found mine?

I'm sure I have.

I'm sure you have too.

It's just a matter of keeping the concentration going no matter what.

There are just too many things in this world that tempt us away from inner peace...

Sloth, greed, wrath, lust, the whole works.

Inner peace.

The epitome of all things good.

Damn, I wish I could maneuver a water droplet like them.

:)

2011-05-29T02:58:00.001+08:00

I broke down crying in front of the poor boy just now.

I was really at the bottle neck already.

I didn't know what else I could do to make my poor boy sleep well again.

Isaac has been having night screaming episodes since three weeks ago.

At first I attributed it to his seeking of attention and demanded that he stop telling me about being afraid.

Then I realized he was really frightened every time he says so thus I decided to investigate the "nightmare" he's so frightened of.

He told me that there's this wolf in his dream that told lies. And when the monster in the sky found out, he was so angry that "everything break". His everything includes bridges, buildings - it's practically an apocalypse.

He said that he was not afraid of the wolf.

He was extremely terrified of the monster in the sky and the part where "everything breaks".

I tried to interpret his dream, I Geordies the wolf was him, and he was afraid of being found out about telling lies cos it meant that the world will come to an end when the monster finds out.

The monster could be his daddy, me, or anyone of his teachers in school, I'm not sure.

No matter how much I try, he is still frightened even though he tells me that he knows the dream is not real.

I am already weeks into my sleepless nights. With Isabelle feeding two to three hourly, and Isaac's night wake almost every hour until dawn, not to mention Ian's crying for no reason other than the suspicion that he's breathless due to wheezing...

I'm already feeling myself going downhill in the sanity sector of my brain.

Chris does help, but there's only this much he could do - he still needs his sleep so he could go to work alert.

No one says that parenthood is easy.

No one told me that it'll be THIS tough either!

I need to find a way to solve Isaac's psychological trauma.

Every night he reminds me of how much he went through with me when he was a baby.

And how much I owed him.

But I'm really clueless...

How do I get him out of the psychological pain?

How?

Sigh.

2011-05-22T00:31:00.001+08:00

I never knew buying a house could be this mentally stressful.

I've only been that dead set on moving; I forgotten to think about where the heck we should go.

First, there's the issue of school.

Our kids would need a convenient neighborhood school to study in - prestige is secondary.

Then there's amenities, accessibility, facilities and so many more issues to consider before we could commit ourselves into the buy.

And truth be told, I'd much rather stay far far far away from you-know-who but alas, it seems I'd forever be bound by the ghost of past misery.

Yet I'm determined not to be haunted by it, even if it so set it's mind on binding to my arse.

I'm walking out of it's shadow, slowly but gradually. A set of Mickey and Minnie are seated on top of my TV console, staring at me daily... The bed was shifted back to the dreaded position in the bedroom and I appear to be coping - not unaffected, but coping fairly well enough... We're set to move to the east of Singapore (so near to Bedok) and yet I don't think it's THAT big an issue...

Perhaps the wound has really healed this time. The scar really throbs painfully at times; yet I felt more thankful for the future than make myself dwell on what has transpired.

Our future. Together.

Who cares if we'd be on the same EW line on the MRT?

We have a beautiful future to work on - too busy to care about other mediocre people.

I just wished someone could've pat me on my back and tell me that I've done a good job fixing my life; the crooked, torn and tattered life has now begin to straighten out. Finally.

And he has given, or is going to give, me a place to commemorate that. A place I could finally call a home.

Our home.

:)

2011-04-26T12:31:00.001+08:00

I was momentarily in another world last night.

I was in the world where I had nobody to lean on.

In that world, I assumed that I was able to cope alone; until something broke me.

I couldn't get out of that world; it was awful. Last night was awful.

I wish I needn't return to that world so often...

In fact - I'm returning there lesser and lesser now.

Yet yesterday... was genuinely awful.

Yes I know I'm repeating myself, but it shows the magnitude of my self indulgence in the past last night... It was practically to an extreme of insanity.

And I didn't even realized it had been triggered.

I am still wondering what'd triggered my return to the estranged and distorted world I used to live in.

I remembered that he was exceptionally kind and gentle - he tried to make a detour in that journey I was making...

Unfortunately I didn't take the bait till I dozed off in great sadness.

Well, I woke up not exactly remembering that I was there...

It was that faint, disorientated feeling I felt that led me to my new world.

Exactly.

I felt disorientated in the old world.

That I do not belong.

For the first time in almost 4 years... I felt liberated.

Like I'm finally snapping out of something.

I'm secretly mourning for the lost of my right to grieve - yet elated about my newfound autonomy to happiness.

It's true that my bed of roses may sometimes find a bug or two; yet nothing beats having such a beautiful view of red amidst life's adversities.

I've taken another step away from history - it's not forgotten, but not painfully remembered (at least not as much).

I hope I can truly have the courage to take on my new task - that of an angel I promised to be to someone.

A promise I've given yet failed to fulfill.

You need to heal too.

We have such bright and happy future together.

With Isaac, Ian and Isabelle...

Together... we'll conquer all odds.

2011-04-23T13:22:00.001+08:00

I'm learning to manage a bunch of people who constantly has issues with all sorts of leave - medical, urgent, emergency, sudden - whatever.

I can't imagine dealing with this everyday, but it appears that this is part and parcel of managing people.

Why is it so hard to find good colleagues like my dearest hubby who even reschedules the roster on his own when he's going on paternity leave?

Yes! Imagine that!

He has to be the one to look for covers for his duties during the days when he's taking paternity leave!

And his manager even chides him when he didn't call back to inform her of who is to cover him.

I mean, really, come on! You are a manager - you should be the one looking for coverage when someone's wife delivers a baby, not ask that staff to do it himself!

Otherwise, what is the hospital paying you salary for?

You don't scrub and assist doctors...

You don't attend to emergencies when the team needs you...

Now you don't even handle staff coverage and rosters by yourself?!

I think you should come work in my place - and see how a real manager works - like a good role model!

If you can't find coverage - you go and cover your staff yourself! Don't expect the poor chap to come listen to you scold him for not calling back to tell you who is to cover him in his absence!

These people are just too lazy to be properly working and using their brains!

I wonder if I'll ever get such luck to find a good colleague like my hubby...

Some people just don't appreciate what they have. Tsk tsk.

2011-04-17T20:51:00.001+08:00

I'm so exhausted.

This time it's different from the last.

It's just different.

Maybe I should just bleed to death.

2011-04-13T13:35:00.001+08:00

Then I realized that being pregnant really tires one out to such great extent.

I'm amazed at how much more I can do even at near-zero fuel level within my body; after Isabelle popped out to say hello.

I wonder why I'm (or Chris is) getting scolding every time we were out on errands/ sending-fetching kids from school/ buying groceries.

These aunties know no better.

If we had enough help, do you think we'd want to take a 7-day old infant out to run errands all the time?

Don't you think I'd like a rest on my cosy bed and maintain a proper confinement like the more privileged women in this country?

Point is, use your brain before you speak, aunties - before you even start pointing fingers at us about not doing confinement properly.

No manners.

Anyway, if I'd maintained a proper confinement regime, I'd most likely still have a tummy bulge that of a six month preggie, back ache (more likely due to prolonged resting on bed rather than the labour or epidural for that matter), sore perineum (try walking more, ladies) and a sloppy, auntish look that would most likely score a zero in the sexiness faculty.

Why would you girls wanna look and feel that way when you can quickly recover from giving birth within a week?

True, I still have some weight to lose before I could call myself perfect...

But at least the tummy's gone.

My vagina is good as new.

And I feel (and look) good enough to present myself in front of my spouse without a tinge of sloppiness.

You need good blood circulation to recuperate - and moving your butt around enables that.

Next time, if another old auntie asks how many months my Belle is, I'd ask her to look at me and guess how many months after delivery do I appear to be.

Nosy Parkers!

2011-04-12T21:59:00.001+08:00

If we were to do away with a helper...

I'd do the general chores like:
- vacuuming and moping the floor
- cleaning the kitchen, fridge, cabinets
- washing the dishes, cooking
- bathing the kids

And he'll handle the tougher ones (read: those that I hate doing):
- ironing
- cleaning the fan and air con
- cleaning the window grills
- changing light bulbs
- wiping the ceiling lights
- fixing damaged stuff
***He loves rescuing me from chores that I hate!

Then we'll share the rest:
- washing and drying clothes
- changing bed linen
- tidying up after the kids
- et cetera et cetera et cetera!

I'm lucky to have a husband who's willing to share the chores with his wife.

And I'll be perfectly happy to relinquish the helper of her duties and take over.

Yes, it's nice to have my clothes ironed all the time and food on the table when I'm home from work.

Yet, with all these come other headaches that we wished weren't there.

I think I could make do with doing the chores at home feeling like the movies or a badminton session with my husband - as long as we're at it together!

He was right, just as I was right.

Helpers are not all that bad; yet we could jolly well make do without one.

2011-04-10T11:10:00.001+08:00

The past twelve hours had been the most relaxing since I got pregnant with Isabelle.

No work...

No hyperactive kids to manage...

No planning and thinking.

I was simply resting; waiting for the nursery nurses to bring my pretty Belle to me when she's hungry.

True she might have been crying - but the nurses made sure she was quiet when they brought her to me.

It made my tired mind and body feel quite re-energized.

Thankful for this short stint of rest.

Everything happens for a reason; I do not doubt this.

Thankful my Chris had been his usual valiant nature to pack enough for my overnight stay, attend to my meals, make me worry about nothing except breastfeeding baby Belle.

What would I do without him?

I do not even wanna imagine.

:)

2011-04-09T19:28:00.001+08:00

I felt really stranded today.

The very feeling of being left alone to deal with my own feelings is not something new - yet I kinda hoped for better support.

Yes, it's my own fault for not verbalizing my fears and distress right from the start; I chose to conceal them with anger instead.

Which is why I had so much difficulty in telling you what was wrong with my attitude today.

The more you attributed it to yourself and flared up at me, giving me insensitive comments about my attitudes, the more injustice I develop within my own mental commentary.

Yet somehow, I still believed it was my own fault for not telling you straight away that I wasn't coping well with bad news and having to go visit that particular department again.

I had expected you to just know. And I knew you didn't just know. You had to be told.

Now do you see why I don't have to tell you what happened to me today?

It's all about me not being able to exercise self control amidst stress.

Nothing to do with you or your inability to read my mind - which you don't have to.

It's my own responsibility to tell you what's on my mind and if I don't, I should bear the consequence of it.

I'm just too overwhelmed with the incompetence of the many clinics/hospital staff we'd encountered - and you were too distracted by my weird mood to be able to reach out to me.

I'm sorry I left you wounded today.

I'm sorry I wounded myself today.

I'm sorry I didn't know how else to let you know.

Sometimes, seeing letters forming words on the digitalized screen seem so much easier than saying it all out - it takes the emotion and sarcasm off what's meant to be said - and makes apology so much more sincere.

I'm sorry.

2011-04-01T22:29:00.001+08:00

Realized I didn't even have time to trim my nails the past two weeks.

Work and family are both wearing me down. But I know eventually all would work out well. They always do.

I miss my well-groomed body.

Isabelle may just need to say hello to the world earlier than she would like, due to some medical problems I'm having - yet I'm all good.

Better earlier than late.

And no matter how messed up work seems to be, there seem to be that glimmer of hope shining brighter by the minute.

I've got great help on board to fight the battle alongside with me - and hopefully with new blood here and old blood gone, operations would be smooth as toufu.

Aw, so many things to look forward to in the coming months.

I must make a mental note to maintain my focus on my family.

They're all that matter in my life.

And number one on the list is Chris.

Love him to bits.

Even though he ill-treats me ALL the time.

Goes to show I need to work harder at loving him.

Up goes my socks!

I'm so tired. Yet happy.

Happy to be alive and fighting for love and striving to achieve the best at work.

I'm feeling useful today.

It's not all the time I feel that way, you know.

Useful Sam.

*smiles*

Counting my blessings amidst adversities seems a tad bit easy today, I wonder why....

And now to get my big butt up from the couch into the bathroom.

I hope everyone counts her/his blessings today before they fall into a slumber!

Life is hard; still there must be some good hidden somewhere!

Look that way, and you'll see the goodness in life.

I did.

And am glad.

2011-03-30T02:56:00.001+08:00

Baby's coming, a new beginning.

I have everything to lament about my life.

Yet I choose to live and let live.

Life is still wonderful.

Despite how hard I seem to be working myself.

He's not all supportive, yet he tries his best in the way he knows best.

I believe in good karma. I still do.

And I believe that tomorrow will always be a better day than what has passed.

I still do.

After all that I've been through... This is peanuts to me.

You people know no better. Really. The kind of practice I've had.

I'm a fighter. Not a quitter.

And I'll stay to fight all battles come what may.

With or without help.

I've got nothing to lose.

But everything to gain.

And my baby's coming.

It's a new beginning.

2011-03-18T12:23:00.001+08:00

I'm feel silly.

In a good way.

Silly in love.

Not the immature kind.

But the we-really-work-hard-at-it kind.

It's times like this that I feel 100% assured that we'd be together no matter what.

I catch myself looking at him for the longest time smiling silly to myself.

I even find it mesmerizing that his eyes could dart about so quickly while he attempts to ogle at as many women as possible.

I don't find it irritating/ offending/ non-reassuring anymore.

Marriage is really all about focussing on the good while giving the bad a break.

Really.

I'm won over.

Bribed. Jumped ship.

Never gonna step into the dark side.

Ever.

2011-03-18T04:00:00.001+08:00

I started last Saturday.

Thinking of one reason why I love him. Daily.

And I realized, with everyday that I count my blessings to have him, I appear to appreciate him more than ever.

He deserves it.

All the good stuff that he's getting now.

He has worked his arse off evolving himself into who he is now.

And I have to stop looking at the minor habits that irritate me.

I just don't feel right penalizing his little bad habits anymore.

Somehow - they no longer seem important for me to grouse at.

I'm amazed by the effect of counting blessings.

Have gotta start doing it - count blessings - in everything I do.

It makes me feel that I'm the luckiest and most blessed being in this universe - even though I know I'm not.

You people should all try it.

The kick you get out if it...

is priceless.

2011-03-14T08:53:00.001+08:00

Once again, God had reminded us that Human cannot control everything.

I wonder if it's the preggie hormones at work or something else, my eyes geared everytime I read about the quake and tsunami victims in Japan.

There we are, millions, in fact zillions of people lamenting daily about how fat they are, how miserable their work is making them, etc - and yet, they've never faced the worst.

I'm reminded, and humbled, once again - that life is beyond me. And that I should count my blessings everyday instead of grumbling about what's not ideal in my life.

There's really little we can do when it comes to nature and it's way.

All we could do is to accept graciously what comes and handle the worst with our best might in unity.

I wonder what little good our praying does in helping the victims...

If I can choose, I'd fly there and be physically aiding the people in need.

They could do with some psychological support, physical aid, medical help.

I feel useless when I realized there is really none of the above I'm able to do.

Thus, the feeling of guilt when I switch on the lights in the house when the sun goes down...

The feeling of being an assh*le when I drink a glass of plain water...

The tendency to reprimand my son when he turns on the tap to wash his hands for too long.

My daily problems are mediocre compared to what is going on out there in the world - yours are too.

So don't fret about not having enough sleep and get your butt to work...

You are already very lucky you've got a steady land to stand on.

2011-03-11T21:27:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I really think it's a matter of whether you've put in your utmost effort in the things you do.

You may bring yourself to believe a lie that you've done your best - but truth is - everyone who has tried his best would see the results he wants.

I truly believe so.

Be it studies, marriage, work or life - no one can confidently say that they've done their utmost at every aspect, every minute of their breath.

Which is why there're ups and downs, success and failure.

I'm beginning to see light in this philosophy, and it's certainly quite liberating - albeit depressing to know I couldn't come out top in everything I do.

I'm learning to let go.

And letting go of things that are beyond me - is pure peace.

2011-03-09T20:36:00.001+08:00

There always comes a time when a person would stop and wonder, if it was all worth the effort.

After all that has been said and done, that person has come to realize that nothing in this world is permanent.

Not relationships,

not wealth,

not health,

Not even one's own integrity.

I wish to remind myself by writing this down - that for all things that are not permanent, I should not fret.

Which means, there's nothing in this world worth fretting over!

My persistence in believing in what I hold true transcends the aching feeling inside my heart right now.

I believe that everyone looks out only for themselves.

To each his own.

Only when one is blinded by love would one do something sacrificial - or even brainless; irrational.

Neither group of individuals should be blamed for what they would potentially do, or have done to others.

For the justification to have done what they did - is ever so strong.

At least to them.

I'm done with the blame game.

And with the closure of this chapter, I will begin another with a new and fresh outlook.

I'm the lizard in your house that refuses to die.

I shed my burden to ease moving forward.

Without my tail, I could still fight.

As long as I keep myself alive.

:)

2011-03-03T22:20:00.001+08:00

It's hard to put a message across to you with your constant interruptions of argument and denial.

It is a fact that you get moody when you're tired - and working too much or grabbing graveyard shifts make you become the person I hate most to be with.

I know it's tough to be the breadwinner and having to be the one to pay all the bills in the house; I never once doubted the tremendously stressful task.

All I ask is to live realistically and leave everything else to God.

We're not overspending.

We simply have extra mouths to feed and raise.

You told me you won't be tired or grouchy even though you would be working your ass off - it's not true.

And every time I try to point this out to you, I get snubbed.

I'm sick of being snubbed.

I'm just gonna ignore that this is happening and stay within my own boundary.

But I thought you should know - that this would push me farther away from you.

I can already feel the distancing effect coming on.

I'm slowly withdrawing.

Lest I allow myself to get hurt.

If only you would just listen to me talk for once, and not refute every single one of my expressed thoughts to you.

I feel like a total waste of my breath every time it happens.

In case you were wondering - why I never finished most of my sentences these days... I supposed you were too glad I got 'shut upped' by your rebuttals to even notice, right?

I feel so lonely these days. I've to resort to talking to myself to release the pressure building inside of me.

You said you were not tired.

But when you were truly 'not tired', I actually felt you presence. At least more so than now.

Then you get sick.

And I had to struggle between feeling awful for you and feeling that you deserve it.

In the end, I simply got worried.

And more frustrations build up.

I wonder if keeping Isabelle had been a good decision.

I wonder if I should've just listened to you and made her go to heaven before her small little limbs were formed.

I really don't need a lot of money...

I just need a happy, healthy you.

:(

2011-03-01T09:32:00.002+08:00

Realized it's been quite a while since I last wrote something.

It only means two things:

1) I'm in a stable mood and I need no writing therapy.

2) I'm so freaking busy I don't even have time to poop and write simultaneously anymore.

Whatever the reasons, I've many things to be thankful for - this I'm glad.

True I may be lamenting about lousy co-workers and their incompetency, then again (as Chris would have it), how many could work with my kind of standard?

So to make myself feel less shortchanged and more accommodating, I've decided that there are just some people who would never live up to standards their whole lives, and I should pity them.

Pathetic fools.

So I've got less reason to be upset with them now.

On a happier note, Isabelle is just one month plus away from her debut performance.

I wonder how she'd fare in comparison to her brothers.

Family life's great, I'm sorry I couldn't write anything for anyone to gossip about.

Nevertheless, everyone should be elated to know that I haven't contracted any STDs so far. (*_*)||

Right. Jokes asides, I'm really all stressed up about getting STDs whilst remaining monogamous on my part.

Really.

I mean, it'd be such a dampener if I really had one kind of virus or another... I didn't even use more than one man. :(

Everyone in this world should just keep to one partner and stop spreading these dirty viruses.

Especially cheapskate women who indulges their private times with married men. (Note to self - I'm not insinuating that it's anyone I know, it's really generalizing...)

I'm writing nonsense.

But it's rally darn therapeutic to be writing about nothing but nonsense.

Makes me feel relaxed for a bit.

No I'm not saying that I'm stressed.

I'm just... a little... uptight.

No uptight doesn't mean stressed.

It simply means...

That I need a break.

Sigh.

A major break.

2011-02-14T21:04:00.001+08:00

The freaking last thing I need on my plate now is a sensitive/ insensitive partner.

You know how much it sucks to have problems after problems that never get solved and then there's no end to it even after you finish work?

I wished for a haven to come home to. One where there will be proper interaction rather than people who talk to you with eyes glued to the box that projects images of sexy sirens and comedians.

One where I could have eye contact with the person who gives me a loving massage rather than looking at the back of him, imagining his eyes still glued to the freaking box.

I didn't ask you to solve my problems.

I asked for a listening ear.

Something that all women wanted and no man could give - to just listen.

But men are not born to listen, they're made for greater things like solving problems, devising solutions and taking burdens off your load.

Too bad at this moment, all I needed was just ventilation.

And too bad - I have to settle for someone who wouldn't settle for just that.

And so I decided to keep quiet. And keeping quiet leads to this - you know what.

Hey, come on, I've been sitting in the living room interacting with the baby and trying to get you involved - but obviously the box attracts you more than us - what do you mean by my eyes are on my phone?

They went focussing on my phone because they have no one's eyes to focus on - they can't find any.

Frankly speaking - does your conscience tell you that my eyes were glued to my phone first rather than yours on the box?

If so, then I sincerely apologize.

Because the phone was not an object of entertainment for me; it was purely a tool to aid my problem solving.

Networking.

You know?

I'm deeply hurt.

More so because this is not the first time I felt overwhelmed and realized I had no proper support.

The kind of support that I would prefer, not the kind that you prefer to give.

I'm demanding too much.

Maybe I should stick with solving my own problems and keeping my emotions to myself.

Back to square 1.

Because at the end of the day - a woman is the one who should play supportive roles to her man; never once did anyone mention about who is to support her.

I should presume they get self sufficient and lick their own freaking wounds like cats do.

Right.

So now I'm gonna try licking my enormously gigantic and bleeding wound till I fall asleep - only to engage in more brain cells zapping with freakish nightmares.

FML

2011-02-02T04:34:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really justified to receive everything good just because I have been let down.

No one is, anyway.

The only reason that justifies the goodness that follows you is that you've worked hard for it.

Of course working right is another important criteria.

Maybe I've been working the wrong way; maybe I haven't been working hard enough.

I reckon goodness comes and goes like the wind in the willow - unpredictable and terrifyingly uncomfortable.

When the wind depletes, I get breathless and anxious - anxious for the next wind, yet frightful of what is about to follow.

A thunderstorm?

A hurricane or typhoon?

I never know until it comes right in my face.

Oh and the scars still throb at the slightest rain.

The rain comes down on it like acid on the skin; fiercely corroding every single layer till the raw skin exposes itself to more pain.

Is this why I never heal, I wonder?

I know the rain would never cease to come; it's only a natural phenomenon - no one is guaranteed of good moods till the end of time.

Maybe it's time to armour up so the scars would never be exposed again.

Yet wouldn't it kill me of feelings and emotions?

Just as it would stop the wind in the willow from livening up tired spirits and weary souls?

Life is always about teetering on the line of grey - casting doubts upon oneself as to whether to jump over to the black or white.

Nobody could say the other is better. The only comfort in being on the grey is that there are many of us facing the same dilemma.

I only feel alone; I know for a fact I'm not.

In fact, some of us may be having it worse than I'm already getting.

I just gotta keep on working at it - extracting every ounce of goodness that is to fall in my path.

And hopefully be able to fend off the rain with a humble heart.

Sadness does follow after the rain - but who is to say that the rainbow wouldn't come?

2011-01-23T22:06:00.001+08:00

It's been a while. :)

I've been leading a hectic yet fulfilling life the past weeks.

No time to stop and watch the sky like I used to.

Even doing number 1 in the toilet demands a quickie rather than the usual 'write a blog entry as you do your business' thingy.

I realized that feeling useful really helps with depression.

Being useful - well, it's a whole new league of it's own.

Some people think they are useful; thus the feeling of usefulness. Others ARE genuinely useful; thus the physical state of being useful.

I have gone through both. And seriously, it really much better knowing that you are genuinely of use in this world than realizing that you are just creating a sense of grandeur about yourself.

A friend asked if I'm happier these days - busier but yes, happier.

Sometimes I even wonder if the sky's really the limit; or everything is actually limitless.

It only goes to show the prowess of the human mind - perseverance and sheer concentration (of course you do need a little brain or wit) do magic sometimes.

That's why when my husband tells me that time will prove that our love could withstand another 50years - I believe it will.

Because I know for a fact that he has the same kind of tenacity I have. The kind that makes you keep going until you get what you set out to achieve.

He'd been using it unknowingly - in a negative way of sorts - yet the moment he decides that the right path is the one he's gonna walk in this lifetime, I know, for sure he could do it.

He's the male version of me - only better.

He just hasn't realized it.

And when he does, I'll be there to celebrate with him - because when finally he knows himself to be useful - the sky will never be the limit.

I'm blessed.

And I refuse to be complacent.

I'm learning a new skill starting now: to be humble.

It's the only virtue that could be my saving grace right now.

2011-01-13T15:06:00.001+08:00

Haven't got a lot of energy to write lately.

Conserving the energy for my favorite and work.

Hubby's no worry. He's been almost non-existent for the past week. Night duties. Working his butt off to grab some savings before the coming of Isabelle.

My favorite's been his usual self; seemingly more empathetic and less grudging lately though.

I wonder if having peace - no one shouting and throwing angry fits at home - has anything to do with the change in him.

I've been sort of trying to encourage him to get in touch with his emotional side recently.

I realized that most times when things do not go his way he tends to flare up and blame others for his little 'misfortunes'.

So I gathered he might not really know how to communicate his emotions and feelings despite being self-aware that he is upset.

I would throw words to his little mind, encouraging him to relate those words to his current feeling.

Sad, angry, jealous, happy, tired... Simple words he understands, but couldn't attach his moods to.

It sort of worked so far... I noticed he is beginning to blame people less, and is more forward in telling me how he feels.

Like the time he was 'jealous' cos I didn't not scold Ian for upsetting isaac's cup of milk. (well, he expects everyone to NOT scold Ian and that upsets him terribly).

Or the other time when he was 'tired' and didn't wanna get out of bed.

These verbalization have greatly reduced his frequent whining and screaming; though I should say there's definitely room for improvement.

One thing I really don't understand though, is why do I not see confidence in him despite my consistent praising and acknowledging his achievements since birth?

I came across this very interesting article in a magazine and I thought this might be my answer to my question.

It's inherited.

Parental traits might have rubbed off on him without us realizing.

I am so gonna work on building his self confidence.

I mean, this is such an important attribute to succeeding in life, don't you think?

It's really difficult to believe in yourself when confidence is lacking - even the most intelligent person would have to believe he is - before he could actually solve some incomprehensible algebra question.

Isaac's gonna make it anyway. I'm sure I could bring out the confidence in him soon. I just need to spend more time with him...

Rather than indulging in my self misery of being fat and ugly.

He's my favorite afterall!

2011-01-09T03:22:00.001+08:00

Right. So I had that nightmare and I couldn't go back to sleep. Hate to be alone in this bedroom.

It makes my imaginations run wild; it gets wilder after waking up in the middle of the night.

Sometimes I simply have this nagging feeling that the trauma would stay forever.

No matter what I do, I continue to have dreams that never fail to peel the scab off of my healing wound, exposing raw, painful, bloody flesh.

Someone told me he had prayed for my health and prosperity - I'd wished he'd prayed for my sanity instead.

I pray everyday for everyone else's good life and I'd forgotten to do so for my own.

He reminded me that the most powerful prayer comes not for yourself but for others.

He reminded me that life's difficulties are but a passing phase, and that goodness would prevail eventually.

He has so much faith given his current life situation; I wonder how he does it everyday, day in and out.

And I have to worry over recurrent nightmares and crying fits.

Okay, now that I've got my emotions settled, I should try to hit the sack again.

Nightmares or not, I gotta rest somehow before it takes a toll on the growing fetus.

Before I end, I just wanna pray for the good health of his family and him, may God help them with the difficult times they are enduring now.

You have shown me life in a different light, and I thank you for it.

Fallen but loved

2011-01-07T22:27:00.002+08:00

Ripples erupted from the fallen leaf that'd touched the water surface.

He sat at the edge of the pond staring.

As she walked up to him, he noticed her reflection in the water.

Yet another wave of ripples blurred that beautiful reflection.

He turned around to face her.

She smiled.

"I wasn't expecting you."

She put a finger to his lips as if to silence him.

Gently, she held his weathered palm in hers and led him away from the pond.

He knew he was safe.

All the running had wore him down; mentally and physically.

He'd only hoped for a safe haven to settle down; away from the hatred and animosity he'd received his whole life.

He'd only hoped for one thing, and it had caused him a lifetime of ridicule.

He was the fallen leave, and the water - his haven.

No one could undermine anyone's strength; even a fallen leaf has the power to cause waves of mysterious ripples.

She knew, right from the start, that he was special - everyone is, in one way or another.

Even if it meant that that no one would give her their blessings, she would still choose to be with him.

"Where are we going?"

She smiled; her sweetest smile he'd ever seen.

"Wherever you are bringing me."

This time it was his turn to lead.

With a deep breath he took the hand that had his entwined and brought it to his lips.

Tears found her eyes. They were happy tears.

And with nothing in their name, they embarked on a journey as fallen angels - vulnerable, yet capable of love.

Clipped of wings, they neither feared nor resent - they were like the fallen leaf, making waves of ripples of their own.

Ripples that constantly reminded them of the false and unreal - and stay true to what was real.

Love has completed them.

Such... is the beauty of life.

-------------------------------------------------

You must pardon me for the sappy story.

First off, I'm extremely tired and am not really inspired (except by my wonderful husband)...

Second, the ambiguity of defining love has made me doubt my ability to pick the best form of metaphor to write on.

Angels spread the joy of love - yet they do not indulge in affairs of the heart.

I have reckoned that the story would create some irony just as much of what life has to offer are mostly ironic.

Yet writing it out proved much difficulty.

Alright. Will ponder over this issue and come up with a better metaphor.

Time to sleep!

Temptations

2011-01-04T12:56:00.004+08:00

The old man beckoned to her.

She was hesitant, yet curious what he wanted of her.

In his wrinkled hands, he held an inconspicuous bag of something she couldn't quite make out.

At that moment, she was bursting with suspense kept hanging by a rope.

"What is it, old sir? What is it that you want me to see?"

The old man smiled, gripping that bag of 'something' even tighter than it already was.

She was getting impatient; yet perplexed by the old man's act of nonchalance.

His gaze met hers; seemingly telling about what he was about to do.

Undaunted, she maintained eye contact. She grew indignant and wished to possess that bag.

She threw a glance at an imaginary object behind the old man's shoulder.

He did not take the bait. Instead, he kept such a steady composure, she was sure he had something valuable in his hands.

She grew desperate by the minute. Millions of thoughts whirled in her mind at that instance and she couldn't quite make out which one to listen to.

But one thing was for sure. She wanted it. She wanted it so bad, she'd do anything to get it.

She flashed her pocket knife she'd kept in her purse for emergencies like robbery; and held it near the old man. The irony of it all!

The knife was cutting very close to the skin shielding his carotid artery.

"Give it to me old man!"

The old man smiled even more ridiculously, and moved as if to stand up.

The young woman; startled yet ridiculed by this act of defiance, began wildly slashing his neck in a terrible turn of events.

As the old man fell to the ground in a pool of blood, the berserk woman pried his bloodied fist to get to the bag.

The bag opened to reveal nothing but a dozen of worthless stones.

Suddenly aware of what she had just done for the sake of some stones, the crazed woman let out a heart-wrenching scream.

She screamed until somebody shook her at her shoulders.

"What's wrong Elena?"

She realized she was back in the hotel room with her lover; it was all but a nasty daydream.

"Come on, you were supposed to take a bath and you fell asleep in the tub? I've been waiting for ages and I'm missing you already."

Realizing what that dream meant, she burst into tears.

"I can't do it, Max, I just can't, I'm sorry."

That said, she quickly dressed herself and ran out of the room, leaving Max behind.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alright. Second installment of my many excerpts to come. I hope you people like them.

Today's story is about temptations - the ridiculous tendency of human to succumb to such evil is getting so rampant, I fear for what is to come by the time my children grow up.

Temptations exist everywhere - and it is really up to us to decide whether or not to give in to them.

We always have a choice.

Don't believe otherwise.

Fear & Guilt

2011-01-03T13:59:00.002+08:00

Shut up! Just shut up!

Cried the fearful boy to himself, cowered into the darkest corner of his room.

It was happening again. The monster was torturing his slave yet again. He feared for his own life, yet ashamed that he could do nothing to help his mother.

The whimpering sobs turned into loud helpless wails; it caught the monster's attention.

He walked into his room, and bellowed at the wailing child.

The child tried to run; the corner he'd chosen to hide had proven to be his nemesis, there was nowhere to escape.

He watched as the monster took off his belt in one quick motion and rained whips of torture at himself.

Suddenly, he seemed to be watching as a third party.

He felt no pain; only sorrow.

He turned and tried to look for his mother.

She was in a bloodied mess herself.

He made a loud sigh. He'd forgotten if he was inside his body or out. Then it dawned on him that he'd returned to his physical body - the pain was excruciating.

He'd peed in his pants again.

Father is not going to like it.

True enough, the monster; his father, grabbed him by both arms and lifted him as if he was only a small parcel. He was thrown onto the bathtub like a rag.

"Clean yourself up you filthy little creature!"

At least the beating had stopped, he thought to himself.

The child took one final look as his mother - and closed the bathroom door to safety; shutting out the horrible shrieks from her mother that came after.

The monster had gone at her again.

He shuddered at the thought of a dead mother greeting him when he was done with the washing up.

That dreadful feeling of guilt came over him yet once more.

Then he realized he was no longer a child; he was standing at the bathroom door, with tears in his eyes.

This guilt... it's so familiar...

"I've let her down," he said as he walked to her side, embracing the crying damsel.

"I've let you down."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, I wrote this. No, I didn't plagiarize.

I mentioned I was gonna try writing in metaphors...

So I thought I'll start easy.

Fear and Guilt. In my sense. In the form of a helpless child.

Not that this ever happened (resemblance to real-life characters are totally coincidental).

I think my fear and guilt are slowly dissipating, thank God.

You do realize how terrifying it is to be suffering like this everyday now, don't you?

2011-01-03T13:18:00.001+08:00

I have three more months before two important things are gonna happen.

Isabelle is arriving.

I can finally sell the wretched house.

Chris said to me that he was sorry for making our lives such misery (the house issue), but all I could think of was - how happy I'd be when I'm finally outta here forever.

It ain't much of a misery; we need a bigger house after all.

And I hate the decor anyway.

Complete with bad memories and imaginations.

Sigh.

Three months are not too far away. Yet I wished it was now.

I hope the banker calls today.

So much anticipations and worries about financing the new house.

It's after all, dual meagre income with three young kids in toll- read: insufficient funds.

I'd better make a mental note to have less pamper-myself times at the salon.

Arrgh... The agony of middle income families.

:|

2010-12-31T20:59:00.001+08:00

Last blog entry of the year.

I wonder what it's like to be writing in the form of metaphors.

Maybe I should start trying.

Haven't been myself since i saw her yesterday.

I had refused to sleep on my bed last night, getting angry and upset for no reason except to be made to be left alone.

The trauma continued into my dreamland, where horrible things happened.

Somehow this time, however bad the above may sound, it seemed much more serene than the last few times I met her.

Afterall, it's been three years since I found out. I've gotta improve somehow!

I read somewhere, a man(or woman) wrote:

The person who has hurt inflicted upon thyself would eventually forget; the one who inflicts the hurt would remember forever.

I don't understand why.

Why is it that she seems to be leading her life as if she has never intruded mine; yet I continue to struggle?

I've thought about it last night, and I found the answer today.

She has it easy because she doesn't have a conscience.

Her morality tells her that she is not in the wrong, and that it was my husband who'd hurt her.

This kind of person; I do not call a normal being.

This kind of person; I call a "self-proclaimed-high-and-righteous-above-all-else" being.

Her sense of morality must be grossly distorted. I pity her.

While I'm working hard at grieving and forgiving, I made sure I don't fail to remember that she may have had a super sad childhood lacking in people showing her what moral values are.

She is a pitiful sight.

That pretty faced darling walking alone on the street with an evil past not worth mentioning.

I decided to feel better and leave her there on the street.

I've been walking with her the whole of last night and today... When I should've left her there alone.

:)

My last entry for the year, and it's all about her.

Maybe next year, she wouldn't be in my entries or mind any longer.

But then again, next year is only one night away...

Happy new year everyone, may you be blessed with true love and a happy, blessed life ahead!

2010-12-30T11:20:00.003+08:00

Clearing my leave today yet I'm back at my clinic - needed to attend to a patient who couldn't postpone.

Did some reading; gonna read some more after lunch, and I'm loving the solitude.

I've always enjoyed being alone. I could read, think and reflect on things people never stopped to ponder their whole lives.

Like how some people give without receiving and are contented that way.

Or how others spend their days hating their jobs and end up never really doing their jobs at all.

Then I'd wonder why aren't I giving when I know I'm going to experience more joy doing it than sulking at how little I could offer.

And how much I love doing what I do everyday because my job teaches me humility, evil, love, compassion, mercenaries, and the uselessness of power.

Then, after all that thinking... I put them to action.

I give whatever I could offer, and realized those were enough:

A lonely woman on the train station needed someone to talk to. I shared part of my life with her and hers with me. I was happy.

A colleague working hard to make ends meet for his big extended family in the month of festivities and I gave what I could offer - lunch and a full tummy.

A little girl who simply wished to ride on the buggy ride my sons were riding on and I carried her onto the ride together with my sons.

These made my days filled with joy.

I just kept giving and giving. And I realized how much I had to offer.

Likewise - life gave back to me in return. I learn that setbacks at work are not all bad.

I learn that not having the duty you requested rostered to you simply means someone else gets theirs granted.

I learn, that if you aren't performing as well in your job as you should - maybe you should just start by loving what you do.

I am thankful for the quiet moments I could reflect.

I am grateful for the wonderful pain-ridden men and women in this world who write things that inspire me.

I'm growing flowers in my sovereign garden today.

:)

2010-12-30T10:08:00.002+08:00

This morning's question really stumbled me.

It'd been at the back of my mind for eons now; I never got the guts to pursue the answer.

Real or not, I know its still gonna nag at me until evidence prove something.

The way he'd asked me... reminded me of the time when he asked what I'd do if he'd strayed.

The helpless, sinking feeling... the confused internal turmoil... feelings I've once felt so real... they all came back.

If I'd told you I'd not change what we are now even though the truth sucks; would you dare tell it in my face then?

I doubt so.

I don't know how to rid this lapse in trust.

Yet I am sure it doesn't change the fact that that was then and this is now.

But why am I feeling so hollow?

The part where I needed to know it all so I can know you... what you were... the evil heartless man.

It's not true that the past is not important.

Contrary to beliefs, I am insinuating that we all need to know the past, come to terms and make peace with it, then move on with new found courage unafraid of the uncertainty that the past would come back to haunt us.

I hid from the past; didn't help much.

I'm happier now that I can speak freely of my past hurts and that he understands that it is therapeutic this way.

In fact, this way, the wall between us further erodes with the effect of honesty and openness.

I wonder when his side of the wall would crumple and embrace what's beyond.

I'm doing all I can.

He's the greatest - his childhood, his past, his evil misdeeds, his desire to be a good man, his efforts in our marriage, his dedication to his work...

No one sees it more clearly than I do.

I meant what I said that night.

If I had to do it all over again - I'd still choose you, Chris.

I am what I am because of you and the experiences you gave me.

I'd never have it another way.

:)

2010-12-28T10:58:00.002+08:00

As I was contemplating about my life last night, I came to realize one stark reason for the sufferings bestowed upon me.

People do not get inspired to be better in good times; in fact, they deteriorate.

In good times, people fail to appreciate kindness, inculcate empathy, cherish love.

In good times, people expect to be infallible, invincible, powerful.

I feel that God has planted pain and sufferings to us with a good cause. To remind us of all the goodness waiting to be picked from the sovereign's garden.

Growth is then possible.

Some people may see these as tests of faith; others abhor them to the bones.

For me, I am slowly learning to appreciate the good pain does to me rather than resenting it.

We only hear of the success of prominent figures in this world. But who is to say that they've not been through sufferings to get to where they are?

No one likes to talk about failures. Even if it happened in the past and they are now successful.

No baker talks about the millions of burnt macarons; they'd rather show you the dozen wonderfully baked ones.

Somehow... somebody has got to stand out and show everyone that they are not alone.

You are not a lousy baker just because you've burnt twelve cupcakes; burning them means you've learnt ways not to repeat the same mistakes and grow wiser in your bakery skills.

Who is to say that that lady who is crying her heart out in a dark corner at that popular Irish Pub is never going to find love again?

She'd only realized that she should never pick a man who frequents pubs and dumps women in pubs for a prospective husband.

That said, I wonder what else I have to learn before I stand before God and tell Him that I've lived and learned.

That I've experienced joy in my lifetime as Samantha Teo and would gladly do it again just to touch more lives I didn't manage to.

Change is inevitable. The only choice we could make is to change for the better; or worse.

How many of us already know that love is about giving and not asking for anything in return?

But how many of us really practice what is preached all over?

I have made choices many times over in my (almost 30 years of) life - yet now, as the universe continues to evolve without stopping for a breather, the choice I'm consciously making is the clearest and most positive of all...

I have to put to practice what I've already known all my freaking 30 years (almost) of life.

They are certainly true and I believe them with my heart and soul.

The more I give, the more abundant it is in me.

The staunch believers say that God lives in you. God is you.

I say - forget about where God resides.

Believe, and He simply is.

The pilgrimages to find Him are in fact journeys made to discover ourselves - He is, but all over.

Do I have to actually make a religious trip somewhere to the other side of the world to find out what I truly am?

Or are our lives already one of the many journeys embarked to discover the true selves?

Dish out the bad, and goodness would follow.

Purge the poison, and fresh warm blood would regenerate.

Isn't life all about discovery?

My pilgrimage has not ended. In fact, it'd only end when I've discover all there is in me - and effect necessary changes to welcome goodness.

There is so much to ponder over - but I'm all good.

I have a good guide. He would be yours too, if you let Him.

2010-12-26T22:47:00.001+08:00

Sometimes... It just hurts.

It hurts no matter what.

The same kind of heartache I had felt as a kid... When I was left alone to nothingness... With no one to share my thoughts and misery... Misunderstood and unwanted.

I never realized how much the kind of life I'd led as a kid would affect what I do now.

It simply hurts to be alone.

And now... Finally, I have him to share the hurt.

It doesn't matter who caused it... Because whoever did, has given me the opportunity not to be alone anymore.

Days like Christmas, new year and birthdays would continue to remind me of the times when I have spent them alone while he galavanted..

Yet it's days like these he tries so hard to create new memories with me in them.

And I so appreciate his efforts.

I've always wanted to step into a church to ask God why He'd allowed such pain to penetrate me...

Yet today, for the first time when I had the opportunity to speak with Him...

I did not question Him.

Instead... I thanked Him for all that has happened and I decided to put my faith in what has to come.

It was automatic. Pure magical.

Perhaps more hurt and pain would be waiting... Perhaps... The time would come when all would be bygones and we'd be free of the past.

I won't wanna think anymore.

Because right this moment... I have the best gift anyone could give me...

And I intend to be the best gift he deserves since he was a kid.

I wanna take away his pain too... Just like he's slowly taking away mine.

:)

2010-12-20T20:45:00.002+08:00

Another walk down memory lane.

It was exceptionally painful today; the dawning moment of bidding farewell to the long-suffering woman I once call me.

He was right beside me.

At first, I could hardly look him in the eye. My hurt was too overwhelming.

Then I convinced myself that this is a different man. This man is different from the man who'd left me struggling with pain and sorrow.

This is the man who'd be walking with me, resurrecting my deadened heart as I release the poison bit by bit.

Why do I not have fond memories of us; I wonder.

I can't remember anything sweet about my marriage prior to what killed me.

Everything is a mess of pain and betrayal. I was blinded before I was killed; a stake right through the centre of my crippled heart.

The place where the wooden stick pierced... It still throbs with pain.

Pain is good. Proves I'm alive.

He says he feels sad that I have to be hurt by such a person. A person we once know as him.

I feel comforted, yet I seem to be hoping for more...

More of what exactly... I'm not sure.

Perhaps a verbal promise of eternal faithfulness... A pact of monogamy till new love comes a knocking? I'd want nothing like before... I'd hope for a clean break before a new relationship with another begins... Not like before... Please let it not happen to me again.

Am I afraid? Definitely.

After all, it's once bitten, twice shy.

How could I not know fear?

I thank God for this fear.

Because it made me aware that I'm not infallible.

It made me humble and put me in my place.

The place where I should've been when we first started.

To be a good wife, supportive and endearing.

What's a super woman without her love?

She is no real woman; she is but a mere figment of our egoistic alter ego.

A woman is no servant to her spouse; she is the guardian angel, the one who holds her man when he's too tired to stand straight.

The one who thinks the greatest of him and makes him feel he is the greatest, when the world forgets his existence.

The one who celebrates his success and eggs him on when he fails; just so he can stand tall again.

Am I such a woman?

I want to be so.

Because this woman, this guardian angel, is all there is that stands overshadowing my fear.

Becoming this woman would've made me immune to my fear.

Because should my fear actualizes, I'd have the strength to carry on knowing that I'll be the best he'd ever known.

Walking down memory lane is hard.

Releasing the aged pain is even harder.

But it soothes me anyhow.

As I know... That once I'm done with everything, I'd be free of fear.

I'd be free to love and trust completely; once more.

2010-12-18T15:14:00.001+08:00

Was supposed to shop for groceries with hubs.. In the end I got a little weak-kneed and had to sit and eat a $4.10 frozen yogurt.

I'm so wishing this is a bed instead.

And now I digress.

Used to walk down memory lane and feel all the pain emerging like choke-loads of sewer smell. Causing a momentary loss of consciousness due to lack of oxygen.

Nowadays it's much easier when it comes.

Cos I talk about it.

I no longer fear the dark roads where I walked alone.

The pain is equally intense... Yet I feel comforted that he knows when it strikes.

The pregnancy is wearing me down as usual...

Only because I seem to be pretending that I wasn't pregnant and continue to do all sorts of stunts that a non-preggie does.

Four more freaking months to go before I am free of this bulge.

I'm so going back to my 44kg weight and sexy dresses.

And I'm going to make crazy love.

Not that I don't now *grins*; it's just that I feel less adventurous.

Why am I talking about frivolous things... Okay, my mind is wandering.

Hubs is done with the grocery... Gotta go!

:)

2010-12-13T13:48:00.002+08:00

Looking forward to the day Isabelle would be born.

Then I could be skinny once more.

I wish all three kids would grow up fast so I could spend the rest of my life living a romantic life with Chris.

They'd be great kids; not because I'd stress them to be, but because in my heart, they'd be great irregardless of the way they turn out...

It's a mother's perception.

No pressure on them... they just need to grow up to be THEMSELVES.

I dream and dream so hard of the day when Chris and I would be able to holiday together without having to worry about diapers and breast milk.

Can you imagine he didn't throw any major temper for the past two weeks?

He was trying THIS hard to make our annual leave relaxed and happy.

Kudos to my beloved for the effort.

Sometimes his tenacity to change marvels me.

Even though I secretly know that most of it would revert once the work week starts.

This I have to take with a pinch of salt.

He wasn't really taught how to express his emotions well enough as a child. Anger seems to be the only emotion that wouldn't reflect vulnerability.

He hates to show others vulnerability.

Stress, sadness, frustrations, fear, etc are all signs of vulnerability - which explains the frequent bouts of angry episodes.

Anger covers up vulnerability.

This, I've learned from a book.

Books give people such great knowledge.

Sometimes I wished he'd read more often.

My Isaac is like me.

He loves to read.

He has such love for words and books that he amazes me with his vocabulary capacity at this tender age.

And Ian, I love his courage and never-fear little heart.

His capacity to empathize at 15 months marvels me extremely.

I wonder what Isabelle would be like.

Chris says she'd be like me... lovely, yet live like a man.

In other words a TOMBOY.

That's fine too. As long as she has big eyes. Oh please have big eyes!

19 more weeks to go before I see her!

This definitely brings a smile to my weary heart.

I need all the perks to get through fighting pain in a daily regime.

I'm glad at this point in time... I'm on a roller coaster high.

Wondering when the low rides are coming...

Sigh.

It's like standing on a rug constantly fearing that someone would pull it and make me fall...

Always kept on tenterhooks.

Such painful anticipation.

Sigh.

2010-12-08T23:45:00.003+08:00

I know that I was advised never to talk about IT to him.

Experts and lay people alike say bringing that subject up would only push him away.

I tried to keep to that rule for two years.

And realized it made me more insane and obsessed.

Maybe what these people are trying to tell me that we don't talk about it in a resentful way.

Maybe... its both healing and therapeutic to talk like adults do and bring closure like lovers do.

I made him realize what it was that scared and obsessed me all this time.

And he made me realize how silly I was to think that.

He showed me his heart.

Like a real man.

I'm glad I chose to do things another way rather than stick to what hadn't been working.

Well... if the way you chose keeps the road bumpy... it really doesn't make any sense not to change path when a filter lane emerges, right?

2010-11-28T21:48:00.001+08:00

Took Prozac last night cos I couldn't take the rain no more.

I was high all morning thereafter.

Couldn't wipe that silly grin off of my face.

The reason why I hate taking medication for my antenatal thingy.

Makes me numb and slow.

But I do get some mental rest.

Too slow to think about the bad stuff.

That explains the grin.

I took another tablet just now.

I guess it's too serious for me to control.

The constant mental distress I keep feeding my mind was killing me.

Couldn't wipe the trigger off my mind.

The trigger that caused the rain to start.

Writing this makes me sad again.

But that's all there is.

Sadness.

Too slow to process more devastating thoughts.

I wonder how long I'd be on Prozac this time.

I feel like hiding forever.

Away from the glaring crowd.

Away from all the memory lanes.

I wished I could.

I wish I could.

2010-11-27T11:36:00.002+08:00

I don't know how other people do it.

Pretending that nothing happened and its all good.

Walking down memory lane hurts.

And it still pricks me like it was yesterday.

Suddenly I have this feeling that it'll never go away.

That she'll be forever haunting me.

And he'll never react the way I wished he would.

Please. Don't treat it as if it was no big deal.

On the contrary, it was helluva BIG deal for me.

It had crushed me. And it continues to crush me to this day.

This is not something you can joke about or laugh it off like it was a comedy.

Knowing how to get home when you got lost because you knew where she lives is a BIG deal.

Yes, I don't wanna elaborate.

Because I know that when I read this ten, twenty years down the road, I'll still remember what I meant by that sentence I wrote.

I don't have to elaborate.

It burns deep and painful.

It would leave another scar.

To my already scar-filled heart.

Yes, telling the truth or lying to me both leave me sad and devastated.

There is no way you could've protected me from the pain.

You'd lost that right years ago.

Now everything done to recover it just means more pain for me.

More so because she is so near me.

She's like a shadow that I cannot shake off.

A phantom determined to ruin whatever pride that's left of me.

All these, because I chose to lose to her.

I'm certain I've lost once and would lose forever to her.

Please don't pretend that it doesn't matter.

One walk down memory lane can leave me devastated for days.

This is how affected I was, and still is.

Sometimes I really wished someone would erase this part of my life out of my memory.

That way, I'd be able to stand tall once again and not live in the shadow of shame.

She'd shamed me. He'd shamed me. And I can never get out of that deep well of shame I've fallen so deep into.

I'm such an ugly loser.

2010-11-23T15:47:00.001+08:00

Okay, I get it.

It's just this antenatal thingy I'm suffering from.

I just have to hold out for another five months, and hopefully after I pop, the postnatal thingy wouldn't come a-knocking.

So a year down the road, when I revisit my journal, all I'll be reading would become nonsense to me.

This is definitive.

And no I don't and can't expect help from anyone.

Because everyone has his/her own issues; even him.

With no expectation comes no disappointment.

So there! I've said it.

Feel better already, Sam.

You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Your life is not a mess. It's just the antenatal thingy.

Really.

Mind over matter, Sam.

Mind over matter.

2010-11-23T09:56:00.002+08:00

I must not put myself above all else.

I must not.

Even if everyone else place themselves above me.

Does writing give me a better perspective than others?

I think so.

Yet I cannot help but bring myself to think that I seem to be the only one who keeps adapting and changing to suit others.

I try to convince myself of this motto of mine almost everyday: Be afraid not, what others think of you. It's what you think of yourself that sets your esteem.

Yet my esteem is such an all time low.

What is holding me up; is exactly what I force myself not to believe...

that people actually think better of me than what I think of myself!

Pathetic.

Drawn into a past that I cannot get rid of.

People move on.

They stop feeling sorry for you.

They stop giving you chances because of pity.

They forget. They get interested in other juicier news.

Yet my time stays frozen at the point I broke.

It's really just me.

I'm convinced.

And I am forcing everyone I know to remain where I stood.

It's impossible.

I think this is why I'm miserable.

And will forever be.

I can't get back the things I've lost.

But I've gained new objects that seem more important.

Still the scar etches deep in my heart.

The occasional twinge that I feel at the slightest pull of memory.

Do you get that sometimes?

That is... provided you've been there before like I did.

Hell.

I need to gather my thoughts before I carry on writing; lest I regret what I write.

This is; after all, a public journal. Not my private garden of solace.

Sigh.

2010-11-18T08:51:00.002+08:00

Getting more tired by the day.

And I'm only mid-way towards delivery date.

The family isn't faring as well as I wanted it to be...

Everyone seems to be down with something.

On top of work, disciplining children, managing my fainting spells and loose stools, I seriously think I've neglected someone important.

He's getting quite weak these days.

And easily agitated.

I try very hard to push myself to do something for him...

Then I realized thereafter that it may not be the kind of loving he desires... or I'm just wasting my time.

I get so tired even without doing anything.

Imagine pushing myself to ignore unpleasant mood swings and catering to physical needs (not really frequently)...

I'm near boiling point.

Becoming vapour.

I know that I'm just thinking too much about myself rather than focusing on his needs.

That's why I feel the heat.

But sometimes I really wished he'd do the same for me...

... reflect on what he's been doing and whether it helps or otherwise.

Some people would simply presume the kind of method they render love to people are normal and would be accepted.

Yet, not all people receive love the same way.

You may be signaling love by doing sweet stuff on the secret to someone... but that someone may not feel the same way.

Sigh.

Human interaction is a difficult chore.

Especially when you have to deal with it day in and out.

Time to do some reflection and improve on my skills...

Sigh.

2010-11-16T13:44:00.003+08:00

I'm becoming quite a procrastinator.

Chris suggests that I should be a part time writer - I guess specifically to garner more income in a way.

It'd be nice to have a column all to myself somewhere in a magazine or the papers...

Yet where do I find energy to do it?

My own book is stuck in a thick marshy rut - and has been this way for weeks.

Whoever invented PROCRASTINATION is seriously a sinner.

I'm the kind who never leave my 'in-tray' full of stuff.

I'm the kind who maintains an empty 'in-tray'; not because I've got nothing to do, but because I've finished all that I needed to.

Writing a book is SO NOT ME.

I should abandon the idea.

It constantly eats up the space I have on my empty 'in-tray' - all because this is not some work you can complete immediately - it takes time.

Nevertheless, I'm just gonna write on and see if this works.

Gosh.

And baby Ian is sick.

After few months of coughing we decided its time to see a paediatrician - and guess what - the cough has evolved into BRONCHITIS.

This is bad parenting I'm super guilty of.

Thinking that seeing a doctor for coughs would only means getting redundant medication that gives only symptomatic treatment - coughs would go away anyway with/without medications... I've allowed the poor baby to suffer nights of limited oxygen in his little lungs, and crying his heart out cos he couldn't sleep without air.

I'm glad Chris suggested a visit to the PAEDI today.

And the 'garang' baby is still running about, playing catch with his elder brother.

On a different note, we had a wonderful class gathering last weekend.

It's nice to see everyone happily married with kids/kids on the way - and doing well in their careers too.

I still remember the days we spent trying to hide from preceptors/clinical tutors during our field visits to various OTs...

And the pleasant lunch breaks we have together as a class whilst within the school campus.

Now we're all parents of children/foetuses (ok, this sounds weird but what else you want me to call the unborn?)

Congrats to Chin&Ken for carrying a girl, congrats to (the almost exploding)Ling&Sam for the impending boy, congrats to KW&Lily for the new 'atas' abode, congrats to myself for having three when I couldn't afford it!

We are missing some friends here... but... there is still Christmas and many more years to come!

Surprisingly, this is the first group of friends I managed to maintain decent contact with.

I'm super famous for breaking contact once I moved on from whichever stage of life I was in.

I hate contact.

It makes me all human.

And I hate being human.

Although I do know that living a secluded life doesn't mean I'm not human.

It's just... well... you know... I've got to use my heart more when interacting with people.

And I've got a really weary heart.

I'm beginning to lose my train of thoughts... I'm writing all things jumbled up again.

Oh, I miss my husband.

He'd always set things straight for me.

Puts me back into perspective (the one where life is nothing else but a misery)...

Okay. I'm really writing nonsense now.

That's all for now I guess.

Happy holidays people!

2010-11-11T22:41:00.001+08:00

Sometimes... I wonder if I'm ever going to get over the fact that I once lost to her.

Even till today... I'd remember that angelic face of her and think of how much evil she had bestowed on me.

She'd made me doubt myself as a woman, as a living person capable of being loved.

Is this why I refuse to allow myself to be loved? Because I feel that I don't deserve it?

Everyone is born to do and excel at different things... I shouldn't compare.

But when she'd crossed my path and showed me she was capable of excelling in what I thought I had excelled at...

I broke. I remain broken till this day.

How does one heal?

How can you look at the person who gave you hell and think nice things about her?

I hope I don't see her...

Yet I would always glance around looking for her presence.

For fear of bumping into her?

Or plainly wanting to make her remember too?

Ridiculous.

I know.

Yet often I'd ask myself if I'd ever stop doing this to torture my battered soul.

I look at the person sitting next to me right now and I know the answer.

It won't be an easy task... Yet one day, I'd succeed.

Not today... Maybe not even tomorrow or the year after that.

But I have faith... That as long as the man I fought for is still holding my hands tight...

I'd succeed eventually.

Everyone is born to excel in different things.

I was born to excel in adversities.

2010-11-10T12:37:00.001+08:00

Haven't been thinking about that nice positive picture for quite some time...

And it's taking a toll on me.

Okay, so I'm not concentrating hard enough.

Maybe I don't want to.

I'll start tomorrow.

Promise.

Sigh.

2010-11-07T15:01:00.001+08:00

Knocks me down right back to where I started.

Everytime.

I'm so sick of it.

When would my life be a 'game over'?

2010-11-02T11:12:00.003+08:00

Ah...

Breath of fresh air.

I wonder how long this nausea is going to last.

Well at least the puking stopped.

I realized I'm so used to finishing things up the moment I start, its very difficult to write in bits and pieces like what I've been doing.

Sometimes, in the bus, I'd feel like writing an excerpt and in the end I thought that excerpt didn't quite fit any part of the chapter at all.

Other times, my mood simply doesn't quite link that often. And it appears that two different authors are penning their thoughts into the same space.

Awww... this is getting quite frustrating.

Now I really wish I could just spend one whole week doing nothing but write. Then, I could finish it in a smooth transition instead of trying to fit everything in.

I wonder how other people do it.

Write a few days, travel, then write some more.

He's been feeling tired, he told me yesterday.

When I feel tired, its when I have lost the drive to move ahead.

Is it the same for him?

If so, I need to concentrate on helping him find that drive back.

He looked horrible.

Tiredness only leads to more moody episodes.

And the family suffers.

I hope he gets through this soon; I only have this little bit of sanity to stand by.

Oh, but I'm coping.

Thin thread, but coping.

So much randomness to talk about today.

Then there's Isaac. And his issue with sharing.

Sibling rivalry is really quite a hard nut to crack aye?

Isaac is the sensitive one, thus I keep showing my preference to him rather than the toddler.

Yet it is really hard at times when he acts really selfish.

I think its best left to the kids to fight it out and stay out of the rivalry.

Otherwise sides are bound to be taken.

I never remembered not sharing my things with my brother.

In fact, he was the one who thought I had everything and he had none.

I guess as we grew older, he'd realized that he also had everything. Just not the same kind of things I have.

Really, in life, if we could just look at what we have instead of what others have, we'd have realized right from the start that we have all that we need.

And be contented.

Evil engulfs you in the form of thoughts when you look at what others have and want them for yourself.

What's good for others may not necessarily be good for you.

This is what I learned today.

I learn something new everyday.

And when I die, I hope I die a wise man.

One who spreads good and shuns the evil.

I wonder why I'm so unreceptive to religion.

Yet, I think more good comes out of me genuinely then if I had one(a religion).

I'd bet I'd hate this entry when I read it few months down my life.

It's so... cluttered with thoughts.

I need to reorganize my mind.

2010-11-01T11:23:00.001+08:00

Ok. So I still can't let go of writing my thoughts down.

You know how the brain keeps self taking until you come to a conclusion that is 90% untrue?

I know it is.

It was just a bad day, lack of sleep, visit to the place that he hates, sick body, bad weather. The likes.

My self talk led the whole episode to a whole new level.

You get sleepy only when you're out with family.

It's only once in a blue moon that I'd ask you for the favor of letting the family visit and you even had the privilege of resting in the room in privacy. I don't understand why you still got grouchy.

You didn't say, how the freaking hell would I know you're hungry? Same goes for the freaking drama on the way to dinner...

Silence, grouchy face, refusal to look at me, rejected my peck on the lips.

Would you think it's something you did wrong if you were in my shoes???

Why would it be wrong for me to break at this freaking point?

I think it's absolutely marveling that I had managed to endure the day till that point.

Oh and I forgot to mention how he stared so hard at me when I put a toy into a half-clean bowl for Ian to play with.

Level of respect for a spouse: zilch.

Oh yes, I should've been grateful that you agreed to that visit. I should have been elated that you didn't flip when we found out that they weren't home.

I was grateful for many things. But does that mean you have the liberty to throw that sour face at me the whole time?

All I wanted was a nice weekend with you and the kids.

Why can't I enjoy this like normal families do without the grouch?

I'm so darn sick of it.

Sometimes even painting a positive picture is tedious if the waves of negativity keep hitting you.

Especially when I'm already standing on rocky grounds.

Sometimes I even suspect that he's secretly trying to push me to the edge so that I'd break.

This is my self talk.

Look at how ridiculous the whole thing turned out to be in my head.

Now you understand how dangerous it is for a woman to be left to her thoughts.

Understanding it, doesn't mean you have to do anything. I get it.

Doing nothing; is, after all, your prerogative.

2010-10-30T14:32:00.001+08:00

I sent this complain to them. Because they failed to do service recovery stat:

To whom it may concern

My husband and I went to one of your Sake Sushi outlet at Novena Square 2 this afternoon at around 1300hr.

We ordered a few red plates and some colored plates. Two colored plates of unagi sushi first came, and to my husband's horror, he tasted a bad sourish taste the moment the sushi was put in his mouth!

We immediately smelt sour smell when we put the rest of the sushi near our noses to check for bad food.

We called for help; twice but no one came. One waitress came only because she had wanted to serve us some more sushi we'd ordered.

My husband complained to her about the soured unagi sushi and she took them away, both the untouched ones and the ones that my husband spat out. I have to mention that the rest of the time spent at the restaurant was excruciating!

Firstly we kept wondering if our sashimi was fresh and germ-free. I am currently pregnant and fornyour information: bad food means diarrhea and threatened miscarriage! Then my husband didn't enjoy his food because of the bad sour taste in his mouth that wouldn't go away even after he spat the soured sushi out. Thirdly, we asked for a replacement unagi sushi three times! It didn't come.

Quite frustrated, we asked to settle the bill without waiting further. I'd assume your branch manager to be customer-savvy and settle our terrible experience with tact, instead, when asked what email address to send to complain about food quality, she happily pointed out that the address could be found in the membership card brochure. Is she very happy to receive a complaint? Or is she just glad we didn't kick up a big fuss right in front of all other customers?

I presume all customers would be appalled by the type of food you serve there and refuse to patronize it anymore if they'd knew you serve expired, sour, smelly, unfresh food. And to think you pride yourself in maintaining standards and hygiene in your advertisements all over!

I'm very disappointed to have encouraged my husband to recently sign up for membership at Sake Sushi, because unless you give us a proper explanation as to why expired food was served to us, I'll make sure we will never patronize your restaurants ever again. And we will also make certain the public knows about it. This is for their safety.

Thank you for your time.

Samantha Teo
Horrified and disgruntled customer

Sent from my iPhone

See. If you had only be humble enough to apologize and recover our lost faith, I'd never had done this to you.

2010-10-29T11:08:00.002+08:00

I'm writing a book.

I've started.

I'm surprised at how easy it came to me.

No need for hours of pondering over what topic would interest people.

No need to worry about not having time to write.

Time is managed by human.

And I make sure I spend every possible time writing a short paragraph at least.

Even in the toilet.

Think I'm gonna spend less time blogging here...

This book is so going to be awesome.

I realised I can do so many things after I left my previous employer.

What I meant was that anything is possible.

I always worried about getting sponsors and publishers to launch my book.

Now I think these are all possible.

I just have to meet the right person.

Coming out; striking it big on my own without strong institution backing - well, it opened a whole new world of possibilities.

Things I had to struggle to learn, adapt, improve.

Skills I never knew I had.

Yet this pregnancy is really tiring me.

That book I'm reading now...

It really inspired me.

I can't believe how accurate and amazing the writer is.

I wonder if I could amaze and inspire people likewise.

If I hadn't had that terrible bout of flu on the day of my interview...

I would've become a very successful journalist or writer already.

It had been my dream. Somehow stupidity led me into nursing.

That I of course; also love.

It's just... different.

I would have led a different life if I had ventured towards my first goal.

I would've met different people, married a different man.

Still, these are all my what ifs'.

I've accepted what is given to me, and decided to make full use of what I can do.

No procrastination, no regrets allowed.

At least I can proudly say that I've tried.

I'm writing a book...

and I'm proud of myself.

2010-10-26T09:22:00.002+08:00

Been painting this nice picture in my mind:

Our three beautiful children playing together in the spacious living room of our beautiful new house... lots of sunshine and laughter in the background... Chris and I sitting comfortably on the sofa, holding hands and laughing at a joke that he just made.

Positive vibes.

It made me happy for two days. And its still doing its magic.

I've been reading this book about THOUGHTS.

How thinking about things alone could make miracles - or rather; stuffs that you wish about, happen.

Of course you need concentration. Full concentration. No careless mistakes allowed.

I've been thinking good thoughts.

Thoughts that would make me happy.

It seems to be working really well.

Better than Prozac.

I told you I could help myself.

I'm not gonna sit and wait for my sanity to rot.

Really.

If anyone out there reading this is facing similar issues...

I urge you to do the same. Help yourself. No one else could.

On a darker note...

I had a weird dream last night.

I dreamt that some other guy was in love with me... and I seem to be reciprocating his feelings.

To sum up the long, romantic dream...

I had this very vivid and real emotion that made me wake up with tears in my eyes.

That of GUILT.

The terrible feeling of falling in love with someone you shouldn't, and yet refusing to let go of the other one you are bound to.

I told Chris about the dream.

He says I never tell him about my dreams; why this?

I told him... that for that fraction of my life... I got to feel exactly how he felt when he was with you-know-who.

Oh gosh the feeling was terrible.

So in love; yet so sad. I couldn't be truly happy with the other man... because the guilt was eating me up.

I didn't tell Chris (most likely it's my ego at work), but I'm darn sure I'll never let this happen in reality.

The guilt alone would be enough to put a stop to silly mistakes like such.

Though I had to admit - it was a nice dream. That guy was really nice... handsome, self-sacrificing, romantic, protective... I could go on forever.

I already have a man like this. I just had to help bring out the best in him.

I'm thinking about that picture of a happy family again.

I'm glad I bought that book.

:)

2010-10-23T08:52:00.002+08:00

As dark as the world may look, light would eventually break through.

We may fall victim to many things; we should not look back.

Ahead of us, there are so many more challenges awaiting us, mountains to climb, love to conquer.

From history, we learn not to repeat the same silly mistakes.

From tragedies, we learn that scars are indeed bearable if you acknowledge they're permanent.

From love lost, we learn that sometimes, it's better to let go than hang on to people who didn't think you mattered anymore.

Infidelity is more rampant than we all think it is.

So many people fall victim, fall prey, and fall head over heels to it.

Just a mental note; that I'm not alone. And girls, you are not too.

The bitches WILL die of cervical cancers, the penises WILL shrivel to bits eventually.

YOUR life is what matters most.

Get out if there is no more hope; hang on if he still cares.

I'm not just lucky. He worked hard.

If yours didn't, so what?

Life goes on, there are plenty of other love waiting for you to embrace them.

You know there are, you just have to believe yourself.

I'm not the only strong one. You are too, you just haven't realized it.

Good luck, and may you eventually find love, rekindled or new - doesn't really matter.

:)

2010-10-21T10:12:00.002+08:00

Spent most of last night staring at the darkened ceiling.

I'm surprised my eyes aren't swollen this morning.

It's times like this that I feel exceptionally vulnerable, lonely and useless.

Yet it's also times like this that everyone seems to back away.

I need a break.

Otherwise I'll be the one to break.

Walking round the neighborhood didn't help. It made me tired yes; but sleep didn't find me.

Instead... I found two coins on the dusty, abandoned road.

I saved them, cleaned them up and now they're reborned.

I must be out of my mind.

It's just a couple of coins.

Since I'm done with digressions... I'd better write some concrete stuff.

I've got some major antenatal depression going on; self diagnosed.

I knew I'm never gonna have it easy for life the day sanity left me.

Pregnancy - it's the killer.

It's just amazing how I'm still able to perform at work.

It's like I have a split personality or something.

All else is a mess.

I should really consider ligation after Isabelle is born.

No more accidents.

I can't afford it.

Or rather... my sanity couldn't.

Sometimes I wonder if people really need medication to treat the ill mind.

I had somehow reckoned that its really all about control.

And time.

Certain times are simply out of control, and others... they managed.

Am I writing sense?

Sometimes when I get these bouts of insanity I write nonsense; I know because I review my past entries. Frequently.

Reviewing them helps me learn from past mistakes and I grow wiser.

Thus I KNOW for a fact that, this will all come to pass.

And I'll be happily in love once again.

Nope, didn't have high hopes that he would cope better this time round.

He can never cope with bad stuffs; especially with my mental state.

I'm just glad he's still holding my hand.

Others would've left long ago.

So this is once again, my own battle.

Me and me alone.

Gosh, it is dark in here.

2010-10-19T09:58:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry I'm starting to get paranoid again.

It's definitely the antenatal blues.

All the images I'd conjured up in my mind. I know they're all fake.

I know for a fact that you are as devoted to me as Mr LKY is to his wife.

I know.

It doesn't mean the menace doesn't get to me.

I don't wanna say... because I don't wanna bring old memories back.

And I feel bad.

Because it's terribly unfair.

And there is really a limit as to how much TLC you can give.

You do have a limit you know that right?

I'm just glad that whatever you lacked... Isaac gave it to me.

He's the one who constantly looks at me be it whether he's playing with his toys or watching the Korean drama with me.

He knows when I'm feeling sad and teary-eyed.

He gently massages my back when I'm feeling sick and he strokes my hand when I tell him I'm sad.

But I think its all too much for a four-year-old.

He is taking too much emotions in his own hand.

He's my favorite.

Darling... other than the constant chattering... he really beats you hands down.

2010-10-16T23:27:00.001+08:00

My heart is aching so bad...

I just realized something... Something that dawned on me after almost ten years...

Something I must keep to myself no matter what.

I'm so devastated.

To allow myself to continue in disillusionment.

For so so long.

Damn, my heart is really ACHING badly.

The last I felt this way was...

Never mind.

I'm fine with what I have despite the ache.

I'm telling myself that it all may not be worth it in the end, but I've led a life answerable to God.

I try so hard at everything I do. I make sure I deliver the best if not the most excellent.

I dabble not in betrayal, deceit, revenge nor all other morality vices.

My moral values are the ones I treasure the most.

Yet I've indulged in hitting myself with all these vices.

I must be a fool.

Yes. A fool.

Right now, lying alone on this dreaded bed in the dark, I face the demon alone.

The aching heart doesn't help the situation at all.

But I'm comforted.

That all these would come to pass, as I begin my life without disillusions.

Reality sucks; I know. But at least it's real.

To have and to hold someone by my side is real.

Everything else...

Is history.

I always deliver what I promise.

And I promise myself that I'll do everything I can...

To get myself out of this mental mess.

Time for bed. I need a dreamless night. Please. Dreamless.

2010-10-14T20:22:00.001+08:00

I'm deteriorating. I know it.

I'm receding into the dark side... And watching heartlessly as my sanity vanish into the darkness.

It's the same old story every time. I regress, he cannot cope, I react, he backs away.

This time, there's something new.

I don't react anymore.

At least not in visual mode.

I can feel all the agony filling up within like a helium balloon.

And I'm on the verge of explosion.

I'm so tired.

Does anyone even wanna try understanding what I'm going through?

Guess not. No point anyway.

I'm so sick of life.

Sick of living.

The facade I'm portraying...

I'm sick of it.

I should just show everyone who I truly am...

A pathetic weakling.

No longer wish to please anyone.

I'm just gonna mind my own business and wait for death to overcome life.

This is really getting nowhere.

I don't even wanna write about how I feel anymore, let alone tell anyone.

I just wish the nightmares had never returned.

I hate not being able to sleep in peace.

I'm so tired.

So weary.

So alone.

So...

...

2010-10-10T11:51:00.001+08:00

Have I given up?

I'm so messed up.

There is no way I can close one eye and think that everything that I have now is a bed of roses.

I feel lost. Empty. Devoid of something I can't remember what.

Something I think is so essential for my sanity and sense of self worth.

Something I'd forgotten...

Something important.

Something... precious.

:(

2010-10-06T21:33:00.001+08:00

Watching Bangyong trembling and crrying while begging her husband to tell her everything is alright... makes me shudder.

I'm talking about the 7pm Korean tv serial on channel U.

I shudder because I was her. I had been her.

It was so painful to watch, yet I felt a wee bit consoled that my time was over.

It was so painful... I started having multiple flashbacks; some real, some imagined.

I can never avoid such shows. They are every where. In every tv show.

But as the years go by... I cope better.

I'm ashamed to say that I haven't really let go. Because I've yet to learn to forgive that woman.

One girl once told me, she doesn't hate her marriage-crasher, but she couldn't forgive her either.

I suppose I couldn't do both. Negative.

With the coming of our third child... I reckon we'd move on to greater heights in our marriage.

With this new height, I really hope I'd be enlightened to learn forgiveness.

Together with him, I hope we can both learn to be better spouses, better parents, better persons.

P/s: this entry is totally different from what had been accidentally deleted. But well, it's a different perspective of a different situation at a different time. Cheers anyway!

2010-10-03T18:41:00.001+08:00

I'm asking for too much. That's why.

It's not all that bad and hopeless.

Just less than the ideal in my dream.

What's in a dream anyway?

It's all nothing but castles in the air.

I've no energy to make love happen.

He doesn't make the first move ever.

It's just gonna fade away. Like the withered roses on my vase.

No sunlight, no water to nourish and make it bloom. Unresurrected, it's bound to break apart one day.

I'm too tired to make magic. I can't even sleep enough. Perhaps to him, it's just laziness.

When would he ever pick up a book to read about what I'm going through?

Guess he'd rather be at his mafia war games.

Or the camera.

I see no hope.

Maybe it's clouded by my blues.

Blues that no one is willing to lift for me.

2010-10-01T08:41:00.001+08:00

I have no idea why...

Why people do the things they do.

I've always assumed it's pregnant women's prerogative to request for the most absurd and yet manage to get them.

I don't ask for the most absurd.

Just some ridiculous pining for certain food and super tender loving care without questions asked.

Maybe the characters on television are too fake for real life. How those self sacrificial spouses who go all the way to give and provide.

Are your husbands like that when you were pregnant?

Or you have partners who sigh out loud and make faces when you ask to eat some weird food day in and out?

Do you have partners who think you are the most ridiculous pregnant woman in the world; one who cries almost every day?

I doubt my self worth everyday.

So much so that I've forgotten how important I had been once in the life of my own. The grandeur I've felt about myself seems like something that happened in my past life.

I know that happiness is a choice. And so are many things in life.

We make the wrong move; mourn over it a little while, and move on.

The only reason why I'm always stuck in the rut... I could never understand why.

Sometimes I really wished I could start over.

On a clean slate.

This time I'll never have let my mental state get this bad.

I'd have created a different history altogether.

One where I'd still feel important in my own way; if not a special someone.

One where I'd never hear snide remarks almost every other day... And yet being told that I'm too sensitive and imagining things.

Maybe I really am.

Imagining things.

Maybe I just have to wake up from my imagination and smell the dead rats.

There's no coffee.

There's just a stack of shit waiting.

2010-09-28T17:35:00.003+08:00

Gosh, the weekend wasn't really the most fantastic one.

In fact. It was the worst.

And we were supposed to have a nice cool celebration.

No details, so tired to keep repeating myself, even if it were to myself. Duh.

Expect and you disappoint.

That's all in a gist I guess.

I am definitely the one to be majorly blamed... blame it on the hormones, the fatigue, the constant giddiness and nauseous feeling.

I just wished I had more empathy.

I hate being pregnant.

2010-09-24T08:26:00.001+08:00

I told him about the plans. Even right up to the secret birthday gift. I'm such a loser.

You see, I can never, ever manage to keep any secrets from him. That is exactly why all the years of painstakingly planned surprises always ended up as no-surprises.

This year, I thought I'd do the planning late. So I only had to keep my big mouth shut for a shorter period of time. Alas! I had to do it again.

The good thing was... He was still happy anyway.

Just no woah! kinda surprise.

There is just one more though. One more I didn't let him in on. This one, I'm so going to keep.

Fingers crossed!

2010-09-23T11:29:00.002+08:00

This time it really sucks big time.

My one and only craving is for the ultimate kind of food that'll burn a hole in his pocket.

And the only probable solution to my all-day morning sickness is sleep. Beauty sleep 24-7 if possible.

I don't feel like talking, eating, dressing up. In fact, I feel like dying half the time I'm awake.

Then there is my favourite who wishes to talk to only 'mommy' and addresses 'mommy' to his every speech, with no break in between. I've gotten so used to casually 'mmm-ing' and 'ah-ing' to his self-conversations that he actually commented one day that "Mummy I wasn't talking to you, you don't have to answer me you know".

And the little fat baby who gets sick every other two days and insists that I carry him each time he catches me in sight.

I'm just. So. Tired.

Yet its imperative that I please everybody.

I hope he understands. Yet I know for a fact that he has his needs to be fulfilled too. Having a pregnant wife doesn't justifies the fact that his needs have to be forfeited.

So what am I to do?

I don't even wanna go to the part where external gratification may solve the problem.

That thought just makes me even more depressed.

I'm just gonna think positive; act that way. Otherwise I'm just going to sink deeper into recess. And regress into the dark side.

Sigh. All the lamenting and ramblings are not really helping.

I'm just going to stop writing now.

2010-09-22T10:37:00.002+08:00

Tired. Of having to battle this everyday.

I wonder when I'm really going to walk out of this shadow.

Sometimes I really feel like giving up. Because I have no resolution not to.

Its been almost three years yet I feel as if it was yesterday.

I wished and wished it didn't happen to me.

I wished and wished I didn't have to deal with this.

But look at what good came out of it... still... is it really worth it?

I know. Its the pregnancy-induced depressive state I'm in right now.

Eight months down the road, I'll be good as new, thinking that life couldn't be better if God has not planned this for us to endure.

I'm still stuck between two time zones... the other half reluctant to move beyond forgiveness.

Forgiveness that'll release me. Not her. Me.

I'm so silly to hang myself up to torture.

Matt's wife died four years ago; he's still writing about her, mines' not even three. I should have some reason not to stop right?

Love and hate are really just one line that delineates. I guess its all the same.

I'm so going to throw up right now.

2010-09-16T07:50:00.003+08:00

Sigh. Finally dropped my favorite off at the childcare. Head spinning and stomach flipping as usual.

Today is our PUBLIC TRANSPORT day. Because our head of the household needs to be in camp by 7.30am. I know, you don't wanna hear the details.

I'm on another vomit inducing, head smashing journey to work.

I hate being pregnant.

And I hate all the idiots in this world.

2010-09-15T18:11:00.002+08:00

It's really a big difference between private institutions and restructured ones.

I wanted to send a patient to emergency department earlier on and the staff told me the patient had to wait. She had many patients and admission to attend to.

Well that alone made me empathize with them so I thought I'd go down personally to see that my VVIP patient doesn't wait too LONG.

When I went down... There were like... Three patients waiting. THREE! And the staff nurse was nowhere attending to anyone of them. She was hidden behind the counter doing NOTHING!

But she still insisted that my VVIP had to wait despite me showing her the documents that it is NOT CLEVER to make them wait.

In the end... I offered to take blood for the ED staff nurse who was SO busy.

The VVIP saw everything in his eyes and told me personally that he really appreciated what I did because he expected the staff to make his wife wait forever.

The ED staff really got eyes dunno how to see Tarzan... Die die!

2010-09-15T08:47:00.001+08:00

We've got a seven-seater as a loan vehicle whilst the damaged one is being repaired.

Isaac wants this current one to stay permanently. Oh he loves the extra seats. Ian too.

Yeah, will need to get one soon. When the third kid arrives.

Everyday still sucks. Mainly because I keep retching and get giddy all the time. Yet work and kids are constantly on my mind. Thus my poor husband ended up bearing the brunt of it... I'm so hot tempered and impatient these days.

And the nicest things he does still seem insufficient despite myself.

I know it's the hormones. And I'm super apologetic about being the nasty bitxh.

I hope he's holding up good. It appears that he may just explode anytime too.

Well, nevertheless, life's been pretty awesome and challenging. And I absolutely love my husband!

2010-09-10T16:23:00.001+08:00

So sleepy....

Sitting at Subway waiting for his photography session to end. It's the Gundam exhibition.

I didn't join him because I was feeling tired. And nauseated. And giddy. And bloated. And....

I need a bed.

The breastmilk cooler bag cost half a hundred bucks. (we bought one to replace a torn one I've been using and refusing to throw)

This bag could hold like eight bottles of expressed breastmilk (EBM).

At least that's what he said.

I reckon at most six.

Good thing is that I don't need to store a pump. I use manual technique. You know, like milking a cow? Yeah. Literally.

Have given numerous teaching sessions to friends and colleagues. Somehow it may not be as efficient as an automated twin pump, nevertheless it's definitely more nipple-friendly. Less traumatic (if you're thinking of pumping for at least three years).

Does he realize that it's been almost an hour since he's been gone?!

I can't even think of witty things to write anymore.

Now I'm resorting to writing about expressing milk?!

My eyelids are shutting as I'm writing.

Freaking engrossed man.

I've even finished all the drinks on the table.

Oh I desperately need a bed.

Did I write about that already?

^#~_€¥€=##%\|•

2010-09-09T08:27:00.001+08:00

Sad so sad.

Hurts so painful.

Didn't know it'd be so until it is so.

Anytime, anytime at all, I'll still feel the pain. Yeah. Pain.

2010-09-08T21:40:00.001+08:00

So I write whenever I have the time. And the ease of it makes it all the more enjoyable.

This blogger app is really spoiling me.

Spent a wonderful evening with my favorite.

Had dinner with him at Kopitiam, he played some games, watched a few "penguins" climb up the stairs... Then I took the long route drive home with him by my side.

It dawned on me ages ago that I get especially short tempered with him when his daddy is around... Mainly because I wanted everything to go smoothly and not spoil his daddy's mood... It never did; not with this dilly-dallier son of mine.

Without his daddy, I'm able to tolerate his slow pace of life, incessant talking, even his ladylike walk.

He is such a darling. Wanting to sit close to me cos he loves me, waits for red light before telling me he wanna pee (well, he pees into a plastic bag in the car).

I love my favorite.

:)

2010-09-08T11:13:00.001+08:00

Rather than lamenting about my current state of life right now... I've decided to write something positive today.

Isaac is putting on weight despite being sick half the time... Ian is still smiley faced despite losing sleep due to some nagging pain (that I'm clueless about) and a high fever (yes, AGAIN!) since yesterday.

I'm taking things easy despite the weird outburst last night and this morning, and surprisingly, when I try to accommodate my spouse's temperament, the nausea and giddiness and FATIGUE seems less of an irritant.

My man is his usual self, angry at nothing and thereafter angry at himself getting angry at NOTHING.

It's cute. I just find him weird to be triggered by the most negligible thing. Like the baby's endless crying (cos the poor chap was sooo tired but couldn't sleep due to unexplained discomfort)...

I try not to attribute it to my worthlessness last night, and this morning. I tried; instead, to think of all the times when I felt weepy and he was there holding my hands; no questions asked.

I have my weaknesses, he has his. I just have to make do with them and not nit-pick too much.

Besides, he's not feeling well himself... And he has the children and ME to look after.

See. I'm thinking positive today.

I'm just darn hoping that I can sleep forever until the baby arrives. Not that I feel depressed or anything...

It's just extreme tiredness.

It's tired being a cow and a sow all at the same time.

Mooink!

2010-09-06T11:16:00.001+08:00

Bad, bad day. Many more such bad days ahead. I hate being pregnant.

I hate the giddy, nauseated feeling I have 24-7.

I think I'm anemic.

Then again, I think even if I am, I won't take my iron tablets.

I hate swallowing medication. I hate medication.

My only saving grace is that I still have a very tolerant husband who caters to every bit of my whims and complaints.

The children are still sick. Forever having chesty coughs and runny noses. I'm getting quite weak in physical state to really entertain them like I used to. Age is really catching up on me. Either that, or breastfeeding whilst pregnant is really not my cup of tea.

Feel bad for he whose name means laughter (Isaac). With the third one coming, I wonder if he'd ever have enough of love from his parents. I must clarify that we do try. Maybe occasionally we tend to give less... Only because he simply put our patience to test too many times!

This time I should get my unborn baby to buy him a nice-to-meet-you-big-brother gift instead. Previously isaac bought one for Ian.

Perhaps this time, Isaac would have more interest in sharing his toys with this baby.

Sibling rivalry.

Shucks my migraine is coming on again.

Sigh.

2010-09-03T20:34:00.002+08:00

The pain is not excruciating, but it's still a pain.

Seriously doubt I'd miscarry. But the thought fleetingly passed through my mind.

I know for a fact that prolonged walking and standing wouldn't harm the fetus in any way. That's why I didn't complain.

I know feeling giddy and nauseated and in need of peeing yet thirsty are part and parcel of breastfeeding in pregnancy; I see no need in complaining either.

I did not expect him to read my mind and facial expression at all.

All I ask... Is at the first sight of me squatting down - he'd think I'm in terrible pain rather than I'm disgracing him.

I remembered years back when I had a terrible bout of diarrhea; so bad that I had to go every five minutes, I squatted down because I was super giddy and weak in the knees. He gave me that SAME angry look and told me to get up immediately.

I did not get to hear him just now. But I remembered that LOOK.

You would ask me why squat when you know he'd feel disgraced?

Erm... Because I was really gonna faint stat if I don't?

If I were gonna faint immediately, would I have the time to tell him and wait for him to find me a place to rest? My sense of logic would have already assessed the area and common sense would've told me that no way in ten seconds would I have been rested before a fainting spell.

I know I disgrace him all the time.

This is one. Then there's this constant trying of free food. And talking too loudly. And dressing weird. And eating in the most unladylike manner. And looking ugly. And....

There's just too many to list.

I'm totally devastated now.

Maybe it's my pregnancy increasing my sensitivity to the situation. But I'm crying myself silly in front of everyone in the train.

Writing managed to stop my crying.

Phew.

Tomorrow, I'll just have to wake up thinking it's my fault and how I've overreacted and mishandled the situation.

I wished I'd knew better how to react.

Because right there and then...

I really felt like dirt in his eyes, birdshit on his car, ear wax in his ears.

2010-09-02T19:00:00.001+08:00

I'm starting to freak out. Period.

Breastfeeding and carrying a child in my womb is not the most exciting event. E.V.E.R.

I have to make sure I take enough nutrients for both kids. And not to mention yours truly.

I know the reason why I'm hungry all the time, yet I can't help thinking how ugly I'd become. Again.

I thought I'd be done with looking like a potato forever. But alas!

I hate looking like a potato.

I hate my swollen big face and thick extremities.

I hate passing urine all the time.

I hate tiredness.

I wish the baby would grow inside Chris instead of me.

Please let me lament. I'm so resigned to fate now; I just need reality to sink in before I start pulling my socks up and work hard to look just as good as a fat potato.

The next thing I know... I'll be on my way to skinnyhood again.

On hindsight... It sure feels good to be eating again.

I know.

I'm such a prick.

2010-09-01T23:28:00.001+08:00

Yes. I'm pregnant again.

No. I didn't plan for this. Again.

You know you are darn lucky when your menstruation does not return after your delivery of your second child; but somehow managed to create the embryo.

For all who are any wiser... Well... The first ovulated ovum (after giving birth) of my very well maintained female reproductive organ, has managed to meet up with some sneakily strong swimmer and fused to form what you call an embryo. Yes. An embryo. Not yet a fetus.

I'm very darn sure it'll BECOME a fetus. And it'll grow pretty well in my (as my helper would call it) "mattress".

Despite all my jumping, running, heavy lifting, climbing... I knew that this kid is going to thrive.

All my kids do. This one will not make the difference.

How does one couple handle three children and a budding romance?

I think we should do just fine... Provided I keep all stressors away from my husband.

How to? When the natural instinct of the male since evolution, is to feed and provide for the women and children?

He is taking it SO in his stride... Like if all else fails there is still him around to hold my hand... I'm touched. Deeply. And most determined that he is the best man most suited for my cynicism.

Yes, I know I hate menses. But I didn't say I don't want it for four straight years!

OMG. This is so unbelievable. I'm still in denial.

And no, I'm not the superstitious kind. If I should tell the world that I'm pregnant before the first trimester is up, and I lose the baby, I'm not going to blame my big heart for that. Good news are meant to be shared.

And I wanna share it with YOU. Yes, you.

In case you have some spare cash... I wouldn't really mind some.

I need A LOT. I mean really.

Tell me again... How do you raise three kids in Singapore?

Shucks, my migraine is starting again. All the numbers are killing me. (@@)||

And I haven't got to the part where I need to kill myself if I have three SONS to raise. *faints*

Believe me. You won't wanna hear it.

Oh. My. God.

2010-08-27T21:53:00.001+08:00

Today is the happiest day of my life. I wasn't even this happy when he first proposed to me up in mount Faber many years ago.

Because this time, I knew he meant it. The look in his eyes, the smile he carried, the glister of blessedness in his face triggered by my goofy glee at the sight of THE ring.

I didn't know he was going to do it. Propose again I mean.

I thought it was just buy-a-ring-and-that-was-it affair.

And he went through so much effort to do it... Now that made me truly feel his love for me. Never in our lives together had he done the amount of things he'd done the past week. I feel like his one and only; his world and universe.

He knows that he's my world and universe; now I know I am his too.

I thank God for giving me him, and I thank Him for showing us that true love is not about sharing joy; it's about enduring hardships and difficult times yet emerging as ONE.

The rings, I fell in love with the design at first sight; I have to write the reason why....

It's a blend of rose and white gold, bound together by a solitary rock. I feel that it symbolizes the two of us; two totally different personalities - poles apart even, yet our lives are so perfectly intertwined... Bound by our love for each other.

Rock solid love.

And growing stronger with every test God put us through.

The rings are perfect for us, perfect symbols of what and who we are now, and forever.

The proposal simply made it even more perfect. Atop the highest point of the gigantic ferris wheel... He made me felt so so sure, that I was worth it; that I deserve to be happy.

I do not have to compete with anyone for his love anymore; he has proven that I fill his whole heart and soul... Well, maybe half, the other half is his male ego

Nevertheless... I'm contented to have this space in his heart. I'm grateful to him for letting me in once again.

The sunset view was beautiful... Just like how our love is gonna look in the prime of our days... Golden, with a dash of red.

Precious, with a dash of passion.

I love you, Chris. I really do.

Thank you for loving me.

2010-08-25T07:33:00.002+08:00

He said, "Get dressed, we're going somewhere."

We walked quite silently to the car park. The silence insinuated by an occasional cordial conversation. Very awkward.

As we stepped into the car park lift... he told me to keep my eyes closed when the lift door opened.

I got excited. But tried to remain indignant. (What could ever go right for this day?)

As the lift door opened... I looked at the bright light for one last time before I shut the windows to my soul.

He took my hand, "Follow me."

I was apprehensive. Frightened of tripping and falling... after all, the car park was full of cars... parked or moving.

Realizing that this is the man I'm supposed to trust for life... I wondered why I didn't.

I decided to just listen to his voice as he guided me forward, up a flight of stairs, and stood still.

He told me to wait. A while.

I waited. Got tired; this has not been a very comfortable day.

"Okay, done. Why are you squatting? Come, keep your eyes closed and follow me," he said gently.

"Now open them," he continued.

At the trunk of the car, was a lit candle on top of a gorgeously white cake, a bouquet of flowers lying beside the circular dessert, and two glasses of drinks.

"Water," he said.

I smiled.

And started tearing.

He opened his arms wide out as if to initiate a hug. I fell into his embrace; crying like a baby.

"What is a birthday without a cake?" he said in zest.

"And flowers."

We sang us a birthday song, made a birthday wish and blew the candle. All the while he was busy wiping the salty liquid off of my face.

"We are going to break the curse of August 24th, today is the start of many wonderful August 24ths to come!" he said softly. "Trust me."

And there and then... I truly believed.

2010-08-24T18:51:00.001+08:00

Never a fan of August 24th.

Not since I decided that I'm better off celebrating national day than my own birthday.

Somehow I really thought I would enjoy it this year. Did I foretell my own fate? Or was it another self fulfilling prophecy?

I'm not really interested. Just adamant not to be so naive in the future many years till I pass on.

Thanks all, for the wonderful well wishes and birthday gifts. Thank you Chris, for trying so hard. Thank you dear Lord, for getting me back on ground zero, because getting high on adrenaline is not a good thing. Shortlived even.

Every minute I should be focussing on what I should be thinking... And not be dazzled by the fanciful. I was and regretted it now. Keep focussing, Sam... Because one day you will see light. I know it. I so so know it for a fact.

How not to feel low... I'm not really sure... But what I do know, is I still have many more August 24ths to come... And I have gotta find a way to make people forget that I was ever born.

Oh I really feel like bursting into tears now. My weak mind at work again. The only solace...

Is that I know I am somehow, still much more blessed than I credit myself for. How is it that I pulled through months and months of low without a high? It's miraculous. The only casualty being my weight; I binged a bit. Well, okay... A lot.

No more for now. No more lows, no more binging.

Next year, when my August 24th comes, I'll be ready.

This is my last 20's birthday; and my last miserable one. Because next year, I'll skip August 24th altogether. I'll hide and pretend to be missing for a day....

Just so that misery would not come a knocking on my door... And tell me that it came because of August 24th.

I hate birthdays.

Okay. Only mine.

2010-08-23T20:09:00.001+08:00

We all have to make decisions one day. Big or small, we can't avoid it forever. It's just traumatizing to have to learn it the hard way...

Very affected by some event that a friend is going through... It's one of those BIG issues that we'd wish we needn't have to go through with. The magnitude akin to what I've been through... I'm sure the pain of it all would be just as great.

Sometimes I wished that all their burdens would be unloaded onto my shoulder... Because I hate to see people having to deal with issues as bad as this... Because I feel I'd have nothing to lose ever since I came back from the undead. You know? Undead - not alive yet not dead...

But the reality is... All of us have to deal with the frailties of life and the cruel nature of it. No one could take your place to do so... Each one of us would have different paths to walk, different choices to make... That's why God made us soul mates, friends and family to help us pull through.

I hope this friend pulls through. I hope all of you pull through... Whatever difficulty you are experiencing... I hope that with my story, I have proven that there is indeed, a light at the end of the tunnel, a pot of gold at the foot of the rainbow, the rainbow that appears after the thunder storm...

... even if sometimes, the light fizzles out to moonlight, the pot of gold no longer belongs to you, and the occasional rainstorm visits.

2010-08-22T06:47:00.001+08:00

This app is so cool. I can blog thru it and won't have to wait long time for the uploads to complete when I don't get good Internet access!

Digressions aside, I watched a wonderful story last night. I can't imagine how much it has affected my train of thoughts. It has triggered some emotions I never thought possible... The possibility of prematurely ending my hatred for another person.

Yes, I know that God forgives without a ledger; any repentant son of His is forgiven no matter how great the sin. Yet we as human; we lack the divine power to do so... We are bound by our earthly emotions; so great are our humanly ego - we cling on to cancerous emotions until God calls us home.

And when that happens - we let go. All of us do; in the end. Enemies make peace, family reconcile, shitload of money donated away... It depends on what you cling on to... Ultimately... We still have to let go... Because we bring nothing after death, no hatred, no love, no money... Only an empty shell to start all over; as His child, his disciple in life, and to learn all over again what it means to be free.

Intriguing thought... Can't believe a movie could provoke such intense revelation of the truth.

Maybe just one day... I would be able to put a stop to my misery... Kill the hatred prematurely... Stop my foolish persistence of hating that fella... because I won't wanna wait till I'm near death... it's too silly to hold on to something that wouldn't last forever. Nothing does anyway.

Then again, how do I separate my earthly emotions from divine forgiveness? Does she even need my forgiveness? Maybe she didn't even bother one single bit... Maybe she thinks she was never wrong to start with. Maybe. But when it comes to the end, dear filthy lass, you'd want to reconcile with your guilt, and when that time comes, you'd wish you had done it when you could've.

I'm going to start now, lest I miss my boat. First off; I thank you for making me realize that nobody is infallible. Especially myself.

Then I thank you for stirring up feelings I have for my husband which I never knew existed.

I thank you for making my husband realize that the only person who'd stand by him is me.

And I thank you, for giving us the many wonderful, loving years ahead of us that I've yet to experience... Because without your intrusion, we'd never have found each other the way we had... Without your trespassing, we'd never have experienced this love so deep and strong.

Thanking you is a start of my letting go; I'm not going to wait till the end. I learn from other people's mistakes.

And I will live better.

2010-08-18T08:06:00.002+08:00

I am starting to believe that I was right all along. That there is no way of getting there... Where I wish to be.

Pardon me for my pessimism, but given the kind of circumstances; anyone would think likewise.

I have just gotta make do with my pathetic offer of a good life and trudge on. Alone or not.

I shall be happy when there are good days, and pretend that I live alone on bad ones. Bear no grudges; God would not want that of me. How I'm being treated is the result of my own doings. Ask for nothing. No favors no love no air to breathe. Be happy if there is; sulk not when there isn't. The worst that could happen?

Death.

And it'll only bring me closer to the One I really seek.

I'm not going to let other people's mood affect mine.

Yes, our lives may be intertwined, but I deserve to feel positive.

This is not despair. It's not really giving up.

It's putting my life in the hands of the One I know will never intentionally cause mr trauma. The One I believe is trying to teach me life's lessons of the vice, the pain and sufferings.

I think no more. No reason to ask if anyone is upset with me. Because if they are, it's their problem and their problem alone. Because like it or not, God has made me this way... The only person I want to please this very moment is You. Because only You appreciate my life as it is, flaws and all.

Why do I have a feeling that this year's birthday would be as sad and lousy as the previous ones?

It's simply a constant reminder that the day I was born marked the day I was destined to suffer. But I really feel otherwise.

I know somehow, somewhere, I've fulfilled part of my purpose in life... Somehow, somewhere, I've inspired and taught some people what true strength means.

True strength doesn't mean brute force or mental battles...

True strength is the ability to surrender.

The white flag is up.

Can you see that?

2010-08-17T23:36:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if people genuinely like me... Or that they pretend to like me only because they feel threatened.

I know I'm not an easy person to get along with. My standards are sometimes so high... Most humanly possible people fall short of my expectations. Are these good signs? Signs that prove my capabilities? I'm afraid not.

It only goes to show how impossible I am with human beings. How difficult it is to be my friend.

I read somewhere that our thoughts illustrates what would eventually actualize; only because we willed them to happen. Thoughts are powerful tools of magic... Tools that even people don't realize exist.

I am beginning to fully understand the way 'thoughts' work.

It's something like the "self-fulfilling prophecy" that sociologists speak of.

That you create or adopt a behavior by reference to the thought you have... And in turn 'entice' and entrap others to behave as you wanted them to... Thereby fulfilling your 'thought'.

Yes. It's confusing. I know... But makes helluva lot of sense to me.

Since young, I'm skeptical about 'friend's' and what 'friendship' does to sane people. It makes them all girly and mushy and whiney about life, relationship and body weight.

I've no friends. I think that they'll all betray me one day, be it snatching away my lover, cheating me of my money, or telling my enemies my weakest point... I made myself to believe so... And they happened so. Somehow... People around me do that and made me feel all the more justified by my own beliefs.

Scary, but true.

And I don't know how to think otherwise.

Over the years, I'm slowly but surely coming out of that skeptic shell... And am starting to create a new thought within... That making good friends are possible... And that I deserve them. All the goodness of friendship. (not just the bitching...)

Am I seeing results? Maybe... I've earned myself some and lost a lot more.... Who should be the one to judge? I'm not sure. But I know one thing's for sure...

Successful people are not simply intelligent. They succeed because they knew they have the single most powerful tool on earth... And that everyone was born with it; your mind.

If you are still not a convert with regards to this issue at hand; try this simple test (which I've done for at least 20 times for the past 29 years of my freaking life):

Think (aloud/ in your heart) that you will wake up at __am the next day (pls freaking fill in the blank). Tell yourself that you will wake up and repeat this sentence for at least three times - 'i, (name) will wake up at (appointed time) tomorrow.'

Look at the clock and imagine it to be fixed at the time you wanna wake up as you repeat the hypnotic chant.

Believe me, unless your mind is so freaking weak... It will definitely work. Works like a clock, no punts intended.

I did it when I didn't have an alarm clock with me when I was an adolescent. I did it out of curiosity (to see the frequency of it actually working) again when I was older... Many many times... And it works all the time!

The power of the mind... Is amazing.

Then I forgot what I wanna lament about now... Zzzz...

2010-08-17T07:48:00.002+08:00

Dear God

Maybe I'm not praying hard enough... maybe I'm not strong enough... maybe...

he REALLY isn't the one for me.

Am I not trying hard enough?

The past week I had been diligently focused on my giving... on being sacrificial and abiding. Is there any capped limit as to how much a lay person could bear?

I knew it was working... he was fantastically elated I had been cleansed... but all the more I feel that he took this for granted.

Still... as the days go by... I'm feeling more sick in the stomach... more sure that I have been made use of again.

Like yesterday... I only wanted him to focus on me... so I asked him nicely to help me charge my phone... like he normally would... and only because I interrupted his online game-playing... I was given a shelling... not that big a shelling, but sufficient enough to tell me how 'important' I was.

Did I not tell you about the morning before this particular shelling?

We were rushing. He was frustrated with all the road users. Ian was crying and screaming in the car. He got mad. So mad. I thought the way he treated me was as if I had SOMETHING to do with all that had happened... like I could have done something.

I did not return the anger or madness, dear God. Instead, I reciprocated the feelings with a positive one. I insisted on SUPPORTING his feeble state of mind.

The apology came. Late in the afternoon. And I was sure I got over it. Because I was training myself not to bear grudges if I decided not to pursue injustice.

This morning... he did not care about my pride again. I was made to feel ridiculous and belittled. He reciprocated my reactions with that of anger. And silence. Do I not get any love at all?

I was so close, so so close to giving up. Yet I'd always bounce back and try again; at least I should be rewarded with some if not a wee bit of love right?

Wrong. It is wrong of me to ask for anything in return. I shouldn't. I should be giving willingly. If a favour or reward has to be returned... then it is not true giving.

Dear Sam

Now that you have answered your own questions, would you please pull your socks up and go apologise to your husband? If you are destined to lead a life as such, bear no grudge and harbour no more negative intentions.

Your ego is NOTHING.

It only makes you evil.

Let go of the evil and trudge on positively.

Life will be better. Life will be happy. Life is contentment.

2010-08-03T19:44:00.002+08:00

Fine. Indulge in the vicious cycle. Am I subconsciously demanding too much or we are just not compatible enough?

I was told we were made perfect for each other. But I'm quite sure we are made differently. I can never understand the instructions he gives me... The instructions he thinks are simple enough; yet I 'catch no ball'.

People... Really, don't assume your loved ones can read your mind. Don't expect to say a monosyllabus 'sentence' and expect your partner to understand. Don't... ever fall into the trap of assumption and soulmates... They can't both co-exist. Soulmates are not for you to make assumptions about. Likewise, assumptions cannot be made about your soulmates.

Be polite. Always. Because if you cannot get your message across, rephrase and try again, because your partner is worth the effort and patience.

If the message is not conveyed properly, don't assume that your partner is stupid and flare up. Because believe it or not, your partner may be trying very very hard to listen for hidden messages within that monosyllabus.

I'm so ashamed of myself. Even without staring at the mirror, I know for a fact that my facial expression is mostly in a constant state of fear and uncertainty. I look down instinctively when he begins to stare, I look lost when being shouted at.

He says he doesn't shout.

Maybe I should really tape my life down for all to judge.

I'm tired.

I need my therapy.

I need to be invisible.

I need some courage.

2010-07-31T13:55:00.002+08:00

Somehow I don't see anything in front anymore.

I don't even think anymore.

I may seem to be brooding... But it's really empty inside the bird brain.

Tired. Why do I even try. Whether the day is good or not always depends on whether he is happy, frustrated, sad, happy, stressed, pissed. Then I have to react accordingly. I don't even have the freedom to question the type of treatment rendered to me.

Selfish. You ask what then happens to how he feels. Oh, I get it. It's back to the self sacrificial theory (that makes me lose myself) of putting his needs above my own. Right.

Try to keep up with a man who feels frustrated all the time. And one who feels disgraced by his wife wanting to eat free chips at food trials.

All in good humor really. I'm challenged and am feeling the heat right now. I have absolutely no wish to be disgracing anyone by my own behavior and I definitely need no one to show me contempt even in the slightest remark or behavior.

Again I feel this desperate need to be invisible.

And blind.

So I can never, ever see the face that makes me feel less worthy day after day.

A single sigh, a reproaching burrowed brow... Sigh. I can't believe I'm always at the mercy of the random drivers on the road. Yes. Even that! If all of you are not stupidly driving like you own the road... I wouldn't have to handle a disgruntled man who seems never to fail cussing and swearing.

And at the end, I am the one who has to see all these. And endure rude replies and irritated conversations. All because the traffic agitated him.

So I didn't know what I did at the restaurant just now.

Really no clue. So I asked him. To clarify the "frustrated" sigh he accidentally let out.

"nothing". Nothing?

Then with "nothing", I shouldn't be getting any bad vibes isn't it?

I'm tired. If you are disgraced by my eating habits, angered by my efforts to have nice photos taken( all in good faith), negative feedbacks of the photos... Tell me. Because I'm willing to stop disgracing and stifling you. But don't say "nothing". Be cause nothing always mean something.

Always.